Ms Schmidt, we all talk to our children – but do we also talk to them about the really important issues?
Not usually. It's like in a marriage. We talk about everyday things – for example, that the dishwasher needs emptying. But we rarely ask, «Are you feeling okay?» or «What's bothering you?»
We should keep quiet more often and give our child enough time to answer.
What is the ideal way to communicate with our children?
Above all, we should keep our mouths shut more often.
Excuse me?
In fact, we often think that it is primarily parents who need to talk in order to have a conversation with children. But that is not true. Rather, it is a matter of give and take. As parents, we can learn to ask more and better questions and, above all, to remain silent long enough for our children to sort out their thoughts and have time to respond.
What makes a good question?
First of all, a question must be phrased in such a way that the young person engages in conversation – I call these «door-opening questions».
Do you have an example?
Let's take the classic example: your 13-year-old son comes home from school and clearly doesn't feel like talking. «How was school?» is definitely the worst way to start a conversation. If you asked me, «How has your morning been so far?», I wouldn't be able to give you a clever answer either. We often overwhelm children with questions like these.
More effective conversation starters are questions such as «What funny things happened today?» or «Did your teachers know something you didn't?» Or: «Any gossip?» This question is enough to get my 14- and 17-year-old teenagers to open up. So we try to ask different questions and avoid «door-closer questions».
What do you mean by that?
Questions that only lead to children responding with «You wouldn't understand!» and thus ending the conversation. These include, for example, «Who started it?», «Where were you yesterday?» or «Why did you do that?». Questions like these immediately make children feel pressured to justify themselves and cause them to break off the conversation. Parents should also avoid questions that can only be answered with yes or no, as these do not get a conversation going either.
And what happens next once you have successfully started the conversation?
Then we need to pay attention to how we respond to our children's answers. Even if it is sometimes difficult, we should not judge them. We are allowed to express our opinion, but we should refrain from making sweeping judgements.
As parents, we have internalised the idea that children should hear lots of words. But listening to them is just as important.
You say that the foundation for parent-child communication must be laid early on. So in infancy?
Yes. You can have wonderful conversations with babies. I can ask a baby who is just a few months old, «How was your day, sweetheart?» If I then remain silent, the baby «tells» me something by babbling. As parents, we have internalised the idea that children should hear lots of words. But it is just as important to listen to them.
That's the only way they'll learn what ingredients are needed for a good conversation. Incidentally, I can also start sex education at the changing table: while changing nappies, I can say, «This is your tummy, this is your penis...» If I start at this early age, I won't have to have awkward conversations when they're twelve.
However, it is not always easy to stay connected with children, especially during their teenage years, when their answers become increasingly monosyllabic and parents feel embarrassed because they do not understand every issue straight away or mispronounce something again.
There are indeed battles that we parents cannot win. Yesterday, I mispronounced the name of an airline, which caused great amusement among my children. We all laughed about it together, and I deliberately mispronounced the name five more times.
Here's the trick: teenagers – or rather, children from primary school age onwards – don't need parents who are all-knowing and can do everything. They need parents who listen to them and take them seriously. For example, I often ask my daughter or son, «Would you like help? Or should I just listen to you?» They often reply, «Just listen, please.» Then I know, «Okay, no comments.»
The most underestimated topic of conversation with children? Money, obviously.
Unfortunately, teenagers are often ready to talk when their parents are not in the mood for it. The classic scenario: as I'm on my way to bed, my 16-year-old starts having deep conversations.
That's exactly how it is! I recently had this experience with my son. I didn't really have any time, but I knew that if I shut him down now, I would miss the opportunity and he wouldn't tell me anything about his girlfriend. Especially with children who don't talk much, it's important for parents to pay attention to these spontaneous windows of opportunity and take advantage of them. But you can also push the issue.
Such as?
By consciously creating opportunities for conversation – without making them the focus of attention. For example, my children and I cook for the week ahead every Sunday. I think there's nothing more communicative than kneading pizza dough together and asking, «How's your girlfriend doing?»
Activities such as driving together or going for walks also provide a relaxed setting for conversation – because you are not looking each other directly in the eye, conversations are less likely to become confrontational and the risk of arguing is much lower due to the movement .
In your latest book, Ten Really Important Conversations That Help Children and Parents Grow, you describe ten topics of conversation – for example, how to tell the truth, how to practise tolerance, and how to set boundaries. Which of these do you think is the most underestimated?
The topic of money, clearly. At least in Germany, there is still a lot of catching up to do in terms of financial education, especially for girls. We may still teach our children that money doesn't grow on trees, as the saying goes, but that's about it. Yet the question of how to handle money is relevant throughout our children's lives in terms of their independence.
What is income, what is livelihood? Why is owning my own flat, where I live myself, not an investment but a burden? Or, in practical terms: how much would you have if you invested the money you spend on a kebab every Wednesday after the gym at 3.5 per cent interest for ten years?
All these conversations are usually not had – or only in a very unpleasant way: «I don't work so that you can buy a kebab every Wednesday!» Parents also don't usually actively discuss the topic of «How do I actually find friends?" Although we worry when our children can't find any, we don't teach them how. Instead, we expect children to know how to do this themselves.
How should we teach them?
There is an exciting study by the University of British Columbia in Canada and the University of California in the United States. In this study, a school class was divided into two groups. One group did nothing special, while the other was encouraged to perform random acts of kindness over the following weeks: bringing another child a small gift, letting them copy their work or doing something else to make them happy.
In fact, this quickly led to the children in this group having more friends than the others. This shows that establishing positive contact, from which a friendship can grow, is quite simple. At the same time, however, children also need to learn how to hold conversations. Primary school pupils are often quite egotistical and put themselves at the centre of attention, talking about their wonderful dad or their new basketball, but showing no interest in others.
So what do they need to learn – how to ask questions?
Exactly! They need to learn to ask others questions such as, «What do you like?» Children who are unable to ask questions may have «friends» because they own a PlayStation or something else that makes them attractive to their peers. But they don't form emotional bonds. However, as the scenario with the school class shows, this is quite easy to learn.
Parents often accept too quickly when their son or daughter does not have many social contacts, saying, «My child just isn't the friend type.» But making friends is something that can be learned.
What is the most uncomfortable topic of conversation for parents?
For many, the famous explanatory conversation remains an awkward and stressful experience. The good news, however, is that we don't have to have it all at once. Instead, we can have several shorter conversations whenever the opportunity arises. But I also often have parents coming to me who shy away from the subject of death.
I recently counselled the parents of a four-year-old girl who had not been told that her grandfather had died weeks earlier – and the funeral was slowly approaching. Even if we want to protect our children from feelings of grief, it is better to talk to them about these things, to mourn together and to cry together. This gives them a strategy for dealing with such situations.
Do children find these conversations as uncomfortable as their parents do?
Yes, because as soon as we start beating around the bush, our children realise: «Oh, this seems to be a difficult topic.» Topics that are repeatedly argued about are also prejudiced.
How should parents begin an awkward conversation?
The best way is to ask a question: «What do you actually know about money?» Or: «Come on, let's put together what we can think of.» Sometimes I also ask: «Do you want to know something about this?» Then my kids know: « Mum will talk for ten minutes, and then that's it.» This way, I can give them information in small chunks. It's much better than giving a long lecture.
And when it comes to something abstract, such as difficult friendships?
Even then, I don't give a lengthy monologue about toxic relationships, as that doesn't work at any age. Instead, I ask: «How do you feel with this person – when they are there, when they have left? What does a secure friendship feel like? What would need to change for it to feel that way?»
Consciously planned family time changes a lot. Conversations come naturally.
However, in the hectic everyday life, it is often not easy for parents to make time for such topics. How and when is the best time to do this?
The most important thing is not to take on too much. In other words, don't try to cover a particular topic in its entirety. If I say, «I'll explain this to you in three minutes,» it's easier for everyone involved than announcing, «Now we're going to talk about friendships.» In fact, the topic can be covered in three minutes.
For example: «There are pleasant and unpleasant people. I look forward to seeing the pleasant ones, but when I see the unpleasant ones, I think, «Oh no, I have to tidy up.» What kind of person is your girlfriend?» But deliberately planning family time is also a game changer.
What do you mean by that?
Fixed time slots when the family gets together. For example, we don't invite anyone over on Sunday afternoons and we don't make any plans. Instead, we all stay at home, lounge around in bed and brush the cats. Of course, there are exceptions, such as birthday parties. But in most cases, Sunday afternoons belong to us as a family. And we need that! You have to consciously make time for things like this, fight for it and schedule it into your diary like a doctor's appointment.
You mean just like time spent together as a couple, which ideally should also be firmly planned in advance?
Exactly. We keep noticing how much that can change things. During this time, we don't use the telephone; our mobile phones are in the kitchen and set to silent. We cook, clean, defrost the freezer, listen to music – and the conversations just happen naturally. It's crazy what happens. I call it «having joint projects».
In your book, you mention that your mother was also very good at conversation and that your friends always gathered around her when you were young. That was quite unusual for your parents' generation, wasn't it?
Yes, she made each of us feel that what was troubling us was important. Here and now, she was there just for us. You never had to worry about getting unsolicited advice. She just listened, asked questions – but never in a way that made you feel like you were being cross-examined. Above all, she understood.
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I think it's less a question of generation and more a question of personality. My children, for example, had a great-grandfather who was also a very good listener. But as I said, it's a skill that can be learned. There's something to be learned here for both parents and children.
Children also need to learn to express their own wishes and needs. To help them with this developmental task, you used code words in your family. How exactly did that work?
As a family, we are a team and can use code words to set ourselves apart from the rest of the world. So if a child called from a friend's house and said, «Mum, I wanted to ask if I could stay over at XY's,» and then added, «Are the cats okay?», I knew that the child would rather come home and wanted me to say no. And that's perfectly fine.
It's difficult to tell a friend to their face that you'd rather sleep at home. Primary school-aged children often lack the social courage to say what they really want. They'll learn that eventually – but not today. Today, the child is tired and just wants to go home. That's why I'm happy to help out, play the strict mum and drive over to pick them up.
You say that communication with our children also determines our lifelong relationship with them.
Yes, that's true. But the good news is that we can change this at any time; after all, children are incredibly forgiving. If we haven't paid attention to asking the right questions and listening until now, we don't need to feel guilty, we just need to do things differently from now on. And always remember: less is more.
It's not the number of questions that matters, but rather waiting for the answers from the younger generation and giving them space. I sometimes ask my children, «Am I talking too much?» – «A little, Mum,» is often the reply. Then I know that I'd better take a back seat for the rest of the evening.
