My daughter always has her closest friends with her. In the bathroom, for example, her smartphone is propped up against the mirror whilst she's fiddling with dry shampoo. Her best friend is watching – via video call. That said, she isn't really watching, as she's currently applying mascara in front of her own mirror. It feels as though the two 15-year-old girls are connected 24/7 via Instagram, Snapchat, WhatsApp and so on.
My son isn't really on his own either when he's sitting at his computer. The 13-year-old is playing Fortnite online and is connected to a WhatsApp group call with half his class at the same time.
A completely new way of living together
If you ask around among parents, a similar picture emerges. Between voice messages, social media and face-to-face encounters, young people today are navigating a completely new way of interacting with one another.
«Digital and analogue have long since merged. There is hardly a friendship in analogue life that isn't nourished by digital «snacks» – in the form of photos or short messages, for example, to say: «I'm thinking of you!»», says Anna Schneider. She is a professor and head of the Business Psychology programme at Trier University of Applied Sciences in Germany and conducts research into, among other things, the impact of digitalisation on our society.
What do recent studies say?
But what exactly does that mean? How are friendships changing in the digital age; how are they formed and maintained? What is the story behind the research suggesting that today's young people feel lonelier than previous generations? And what role do friendships actually play during adolescence? In this feature, we set out to find the answers.
The James Study, which examines media usage among 12- to 19-year-olds in Switzerland every two years, initially paints a reassuring picture. Whilst 95 per cent of young people use their smartphones most frequently to communicate via messaging apps, face-to-face contact remains important to them: 70 per cent meet up with friends in person several times a week.
Friends play a central role in the development of one's identity.
Moritz Daum, developmental psychologist
«The number of friends per person has remained stable over the last few years,» notes Daniel Süss. He is a professor of media psychology, heads the Institute for People, Society and Technology at the Zurich University of Applied Sciences (ZHAW) and is co-director of the James Study.
Most respondents say they have an average of seven friends – including three to five particularly close ones. Only 1 per cent have none at all. According to Daniel Süss, this figure has also remained stable in recent years. The majority of young people therefore clearly feel well supported by their circle of friends. You can read about the others who find it more difficult in the interview with developmental psychologist Susanne Bücker.
Friendship – by definition, this is a close, positive relationship between two people, based on mutuality, trust, reliability and support. It becomes increasingly important during adolescence. This is precisely when children's social circles expand, parents become less important, and young people prefer to seek social validation from their peers.
«Especially during puberty, which is a time of major changes, I need feedback from my peers,» says Moritz Daum, Professor of Developmental Psychology at the University of Zurich. «Friends are therefore absolutely crucial for the development of identity.»
The benefits of digitalisation
First of all: children and young people still mainly make friends in the real world. Daniel Süss cites a social report from Germany on this subject, which he says also applies to Switzerland and clearly shows that, when it comes to where friendships are formed, school and education still rank first, closely followed by mutual friends or leisure activities.
What used to happen at the youth club now takes place online: meeting new people in a safe space.
Anna Schneider, business psychologist
At the same time, the scope within which friendships form has expanded significantly. Group calls make it easy to invite other young people to join in, which broadens one's circle of friends. «It gives me the chance to meet new people in a safe space. What used to happen at the youth club now takes place online,» explains Anna Schneider. The opportunities to make contact and stay in touch are therefore much greater. And, above all, more accessible.
Liking a post on Instagram, leaving a comment: according to Schneider, this can be easier for young people in particular who find it difficult to make friends. Exchanging a voice message or sending a video snap also takes less courage than striking up a conversation with someone at a party. What's more, it is often easier to discuss difficult topics online.
What's more: «Given the stress of school and leisure activities that many children face, digital media offer a good opportunity to stay in touch,» says the professor of psychology. After all, most children have at least two hobbies. With all the training sessions and homework, it's sometimes not at all easy to arrange to meet up with friends. Fortunately, you can check in digitally: «How are you?», «Get in touch again!». This makes it very easy to maintain friendships, even across distances.
With the help of digital devices, I can discuss things that are on my mind with my friends straight away.
Ulla Autenrieth, social scientist
Last but not least, Ulla Autenrieth finds it handy to be able to reach friends at any time via speed dial: «I can discuss things that are on my mind straight away.» The professor conducts research at the University of Applied Sciences of the Grisons on media use and media literacy among teenagers and young adults.
The mobile phone as a means of distancing oneself from one's parents
«Having your social network with you at all times is incredibly important, especially for young people who are moving away from home.» Whether I'm on the bus or in my room, I'm never alone; ideally, I can share things straight away with my best friend when something nice or silly happens, and I feel supported. So the mobile phone is an important tool for establishing independence from parents.
Staying connected digitally is therefore an extension of an offline friendship. «Both worlds merge together,» says Anna Schneider. And Daniel Süss speaks of a «hybrid lifestyle». Friendships, however, are cemented in analogue life – through shared experiences, for example. Just as they always have been. Because purely online friendships are rather rare among 12- to 19-year-olds, observes Daniel Süss.
We must adhere to the code
Voice messages, videos and photos are therefore additional creative ways to stay in touch. At the same time, they strengthen the sense of connection between people: the GIFs and Reels shared, which draw on shared interests and experiences, also create a sense of closeness between those involved. «Just the fact that I post something and know that my friends can see it reinforces the sense of togetherness,» says Süss.
Ulla Autenrieth also points out that it is often not about the content itself, but about affirming the relationship. «Young people who post something on Instagram expect their closest circle of friends to like and comment on it quickly – because that signals: «You are valued!»» These implicit, and sometimes explicit, rules («If I post something, you like it!») must be adhered to. It is a form of social validation that publicly demonstrates: You are part of our group.
Jasmina Rosič, a communications researcher, is conducting research at the Catholic University of Leuven in Belgium into young people's positive digital experiences. She says: «For some teenagers, online contact can actually lead to a closer bond with friends, making them feel more connected.»
This is particularly true of teenagers who are socially anxious or shy. Rosič also notes that girls, in particular, have more positive digital experiences than boys when connecting with peers online, as they are brought up to place great importance on communication. They rely heavily on exchange, mutual validation and social interaction.
Being constantly available can lead to emotional exhaustion.
Moritz Daum, developmental psychologist
But online communication also brings boys closer together – albeit often on a different level: «Boys who play online games together often chat via group calls at the same time , » says Ulla Autenrieth. So they're also engaging in intense communication – not in the sense of «How was your day?», but rather with a focus on «Let's come up with a strategy together!» «But that's just as valuable.»
Young people under constant stress
However, there are risks involved. Constant availability comes with the pressure of expectations. Constant notifications – be it a «ping» or the phone vibrating – can cause stress. Especially as 200 new messages can easily pile up in class chats within a very short time. This leads children and teenagers to ask themselves: Do I have to reply straight away to avoid being left out?
«This social pressure can lead to emotional exhaustion,» says developmental psychologist Daum. «Or at the very least, it can be a major distraction.» For example, Pro Juventute's 2021 stress study shows that around a third of children and young people in Switzerland feel stressed. Among those aged 14 and over, the figure is already more than 45 per cent.
What is striking is that the more time children and young people spend using electronic media, the more frequently they experience stress. Furthermore, the findings of a new long-term American paediatric study point, for the first time, to causal links between smartphone use and the development of mental health problems in adolescence.
feeling of exclusion
Conversely, if nobody reacts when I write or post something, this too can quickly lead to a feeling of exclusion. «Because social recognition is visible through likes or immediate replies, the absence of such acknowledgements is tantamount to a loss of face,» explains Ulla Autenrieth.
«The moment I write or post something, I make myself vulnerable. And the closer I feel connected, the stronger the friendship, the greater the mutual pressure to live up to expectations.» Which, in turn, can lead to stress. And to the feeling that I have to check my mobile even during school hours or late at night, just so I don't miss anything.
Young people are more responsive to social feedback than adults – precisely because they are at a stage of development where peer approval is essential. «Self-concept and self-esteem are only just beginning to take shape at this stage, which is why young people are particularly receptive and vulnerable during adolescence,» says Anna Schneider.
People with low or unstable self-esteem tend to be more dependent on external feedback. According to the business psychologist, those who are highly perfectionistic or have insecure attachment styles also react more sensitively to social judgements. These young people tend to perceive feedback more negatively – meaning they are more likely to remember negative comments and less likely to remember positive ones.
Reward system promotes stress
This is, of course, something app developers are well aware of. On Snapchat, for example – which is particularly popular among teenagers – flame icons indicate whether friends have exchanged Snaps continuously for at least three days. This reward system is intended to encourage frequent interaction. In reality, however, it often creates social pressure – because the loss of the flame is perceived as the end of a «real» friendship.
Because people take a while to respond, conflicts sometimes escalate and become difficult to resolve.
Anna Schneider, business psychologist
In situations like this, maintaining friendships becomes a full-time job. For example, in my children's circle, there were instances where teenagers handed their smartphones over to their parents during a two-week mobile-free school camp – asking them to keep in touch with their friends in their absence, so as not to lose their «flame» and thus jeopardise the friendship.
In addition to this emotional pressure, digital communication has also been shown to lead to more arguments, says Anna Schneider. Written communication, in particular, offers plenty of scope for misunderstandings or escalations. «Because replies are delayed, conflicts sometimes become more heated and are difficult to resolve.»
Especially when a friendship is still in its early stages and the people involved don't know each other very well yet, there's a high risk of misunderstandings. Friendships also tend to end more quickly online: «I'm not in the mood» is quicker to type than to say. When in doubt, I simply stop getting in touch altogether.
Saying «OK» is seen as passive-aggressive
But it's not just how quickly someone replies that matters; it's also how much effort they put into it, as Anna Schneider knows. «That shows how much value the other person places on the relationship.» The rule here is: the more elaborate and carefully crafted the message, the more appreciative it is. At least, that's true of relationships that are just getting started.
Even an «Ok» is considered passive-aggressive. It really should be at least an «Oke» or «Okay». That said, there are exceptions here too: «With a BFF (best friends forever) whom I'm very close to and whose friendship I'm certain of, I don't take it amiss if she's a bit curt or doesn't reply for a while,» says Anna Schneider, explaining the teenage mindset. «In that case, I just assume she's under a bit of pressure.»
If I don't let my child use WhatsApp, they'll be cut off from communication.
Anna Schneider, business psychologist
Another downside of being constantly connected is the comparison trap: if I see in my friends’ latest updates that they're having fun or enjoying a dream holiday without me, this can make me feel as though my own life is boring or less successful.
«This constant social comparison can fuel envy, undermine self-esteem and lead to feelings of loneliness,» says developmental psychologist Moritz Daum. Jasmina Rosič adds: «Whether I feel lonely after scrolling depends mainly on the content I see online and how long I spend on social media.»
The role of parents
Ulla Autenrieth therefore believes it is important for children and young people to develop media literacy and learn to set boundaries. Parents have a key role to play in this. It is therefore essential that mums and dads engage with their children's online behaviour, ask why a particular app is so important to them, and do not simply reject its use.
Or to put it another way: «Parents should support their children rather than harshly monitoring their mobile phone use. By doing so, they create the conditions for young people to feel confident enough to turn to their parents in a crisis,» says Autenrieth. Is it difficult? «Yes,» admits the media scientist. «But unfortunately, there is no easy solution here.»
We must not project our romanticised memories of our youth onto our children.
Moritz Daum, developmental psychologist
Anna Schneider also believes it is important for parents to understand why children use certain apps. Why is it so important to my daughter or son to respond to every «like» and every reply? What need lies behind this? And then to work out: how do you incorporate this into everyday life?
It also involves weighing things up together and asking: What do I respond to, and what do I ignore? Are the 20 memes in the class chat just as important as a message from my best friend? «Parents need to take a close look at their own behaviour here,» says Schneider. «After all, they serve as important role models.» So do I still reply to messages after 10 pm? Is that really necessary? And how do I justify it?
Young people today are different
Generally speaking, the psychologist distinguishes between the different types of content accessed on a smartphone: «If my daughter needs to chat with her best friend late at night, I set different limits than if she just wants to finish a level.» But the reality is also that we can no longer do without digital communication. «If I don't allow my teenager to use WhatsApp, they're cut off from communication.»
«This makes it all the more important for parents to change their perspective from time to time and «put themselves in their children's shoes»,» says Schneider. «After all, teenagers today face different developmental challenges than we did in the past.»
Teenagers these days often think twice about what they reveal about themselves – and in doing so sometimes act more thoughtfully than adults.
Daniel Süss, media psychologist
And Moritz Daum believes: «We parents mustn't project our often romanticised memories of what our own youth was like onto our children.» After all, young people are growing up in a completely different world. Instead, mums and dads should constantly question their own, perhaps sometimes overly entrenched, preconceptions – «which is, however, incredibly difficult».
This also involves acknowledging that young people are sometimes even more aware of how they use digital media than adults. As the examples of the 17-year-old friends in our profiles show: they switch back and forth between the analogue and digital worlds seemingly effortlessly and as a matter of course. Sometimes, mind you, each of them gets lost in their own screen whilst scrolling. Then again, they deliberately put their smartphones aside to watch a film together undisturbed.
«Recently, there has been a decline in the frequency with which young people post things on social media themselves,» notes Daniel Süss. «Teenagers now often think twice about what they reveal about themselves – and in doing so sometimes act more thoughtfully than adults.»
So friendships remain friendships. Their number doesn't drop sharply just because the way we socialise has changed. Ultimately, it's still all about spending time together.
