Ms Bücker, is it true that young people in particular often feel lonely?
Yes, this is what most major surveys show. The World Health Organisation (WHO) recently conducted a global survey on loneliness. The youth age group was the most affected, at 21 per cent . This came as a surprise to many, as loneliness has long been associated with old age. However, new data shows that loneliness is also widespread among younger people.
What age are we talking about?
High levels of loneliness are found among 13- to 16-year-olds and 18- to 29-year-olds. Recent studies also show that one in five primary school children in German-speaking countries feels lonely. However, the data on this is scarce because we have long lacked a suitable measurement tool for this purpose.
Why not?
Until now, questionnaires designed for adults have been used to ask children and young people about their experiences of loneliness. However, children find it difficult to relate to phrases such as «I feel isolated from others». Our research group has therefore developed a tailored tool. This will make it easier to survey children in future.
Why do teenagers, particularly those aged between 13 and 16, often feel lonely?
Puberty reaches its peak during this period, and the search for identity really takes off – along with questions of self-definition such as: «Who am I?», «Who do I want to be?». This is also the time when teenagers begin to break away from their parents. Through interacting with their peers, teenagers discover what matters to them.
Is loneliness always the same for everyone?
No, we distinguish between different types of loneliness. Social loneliness refers to the desire for a broad network and to be part of a social support structure. People want to be part of a group and derive their identity from belonging to that group.
Emotional loneliness means feeling that you lack a close, trusted person with whom you can be yourself. This type of loneliness plays a significant role in young adulthood, i.e. between the ages of 18 and 29. During this stage of life, there is a growing desire for greater stability in romantic relationships. At the same time, this period is marked by the most upheavals – which often leads to changes in one's social circle.
What major changes come to mind?
Moving out of the family home, for example, finishing school, choosing a career path, and entering their first romantic relationship. Young adults report feeling under a great deal of pressure during this phase because they are facing demands on several fronts.
Let's stick with the 13- to 16-year-olds: studies show rising levels of loneliness in this age group. Why is that?
There isn't a single cause. But one thing is clear: young people have far less free time – because the demands of school have increased significantly. They are spending more and more time in educational settings. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but for some it limits their opportunities to make friends outside school.
Lonely teenagers feel that they never really connect with other people; their relationships remain superficial.
Media use can also increase the risk of feeling very lonely. At least if you shift all your social interactions online and lose yourself in endless scrolling on social media.
… and sees how everyone else seems to be making plans, going on exciting holidays and generally leading a better life?
Exactly. At the same time, social media can also help build bridges to greater social integration. For example, if I'm very shy, I might feel less inhibited about making contact with others online. Unfortunately, it is often precisely those who are at risk of becoming isolated who use social media inappropriately. They compare themselves with others instead of forming connections that can be integrated into the offline world.
How does loneliness manifest itself in young people?
It's about the feeling of not having enough meaningful relationships. So I can feel lonely even when I'm surrounded by people. Some compare this to an invisible wall: they feel they can never really connect with other people; relationships remain superficial. Although loneliness is discussed more openly today, many find it difficult to admit to it. This also applies to parents of affected children: it is easier to say «My daughter is struggling at school» than «My daughter has no friends».
Why is this so difficult?
This is often accompanied by feelings of self-blame – the sense of having failed as a parent because one has not managed to ensure that the child feels valued. Among teenagers, loneliness is often linked to very low self-esteem. In the sense of «I'm not worth other people spending time with me».
When children feel secure in their relationships, they feel confident enough to approach others.
What does it take for children and young people to build lasting friendships?
In surveys, young people suffering from loneliness often say that their parents do not support or understand them. «When I need someone, there's no one there» is a common comment. Research shows that a good parent-child relationship helps children to build stable friendships, as it makes them feel securely attached and gives them the confidence to reach out to others. If these children are excluded, they are more likely to confide in their parents.
Who is at risk of suffering from loneliness?
Children of single parents who face a heavy double burden and have little time. Children whose parents have no friends or lead very reclusive lives. A low socio-economic status also plays a part, as do unemployment or health problems – whether affecting the parents or the children. Personality traits also play a role – for example, if the child is very shy and finds it difficult to approach others; or if a parent is overprotective. This can sometimes rub off on the child, making them less confident in their own abilities.
As a mother, how can I tell if my child is feeling lonely?
It is important to make a distinction here: feeling lonely «now and then» is not an illness, but perfectly normal. It is part of growing up and is a typical symptom of adolescence. Just like feeling misunderstood by one's parents, or believing: «I'm completely different from everyone else.»
Chronic loneliness can lead to health problems.
As parents, you shouldn't panic. However, if this state persists for a long time, there is a risk of slipping into an anxiety disorder or depression. Or of regulating one's emotions in other ways – through nicotine and alcohol, for example. Furthermore, chronic loneliness can lead to health problems, such as cardiovascular disease.
So when should I start to take notice?
When teenagers become very withdrawn, no longer let their parents get close to them, and I, as a parent, feel that something fundamental has changed in our relationship. When the child completely shuts themselves off and stops seeing friends.
What should parents do in that case?
I would first try to talk to the child or young person, and then speak to a parent or carer, or another adult who spends time with the child on a regular basis, such as a sports coach. These people have a different perspective and can describe how the child behaves at school or at the sports club.
Or ask other parents whose children your own child used to meet up with («Have you noticed anything?»). The tricky thing is that loneliness is a subjective feeling that is almost impossible to detect from the outside unless you ask directly.
How should I bring it up if I feel my teenager is lonely?
It often helps when parents say: «I read an interesting article and wondered what you thought about it. Is there anyone in your class who feels lonely? What about you?» A conversation like this, which operates on a meta-level – not probing directly but drawing on the teenager's own insights – can greatly strengthen the parent-child relationship. Because it conveys to the child: «I'm interested in your perspective on this!»
We need to raise greater awareness of the importance of social relationships and skills.
And what if the child admits that they really are lonely?
First of all, just listen. Many young people don't need to be urged into action («Right, let's sign you up for a sports club!»); often, it's simply a matter of being there for them. And, with a loving persistence, keep offering to talk («I'm here if you want to talk»). Sometimes it also helps to open up and talk about yourself («I felt the same way when I was your age»). This makes it easier for young people to talk about their experiences. Overall, I would like to see much more education on this subject.
What are you thinking about?
Teachers often know little about loneliness. Yet it is vital that they know who in the class is socialising with whom – not least to prevent bullying. We therefore need to raise awareness of just how important social relationships and skills are. A school's core objective is not only the acquisition of knowledge, but also personal development. So why not incorporate the topic of «making and keeping friends» into lessons? That would be so helpful!
