«Our daughter doesn't follow any rules»

Mother: Hello, we're at our wits’ end. Our 14-year-old daughter won't follow any rules. She stays out past her curfew. She breaks promises. Nothing we say gets through to her. I'm tired of arguing and I'm wondering how I can enforce the rules without things escalating every time.

Counsellor: Many parents describe exactly that to us. Exhaustion, frustration, and even a sense of helplessness. The feeling of constantly playing catch-up yet getting nowhere. That's really taking its toll. Before we go any further, there's one key thing I'd like to know: what is it you want most right now?

Mum: I wish the rules would finally be enforced. And that we wouldn't be constantly at each other's throats.

I don't feel taken seriously and I feel I'm being treated disrespectfully. That makes me sad and angry.

Mother

Counsellor: That's perfectly understandable. The desire for reliability and harmony is entirely justified. At the same time, it's worth taking a closer look at how you feel inside. When your daughter breaks the rules, how does that make you feel?

Mother: I don't feel taken seriously. And sometimes I feel I'm being treated disrespectfully. That makes me sad and angry.

Counsellor: Many parents of teenagers share these feelings. At 14 , children are usually going through an intense phase of development in which , among other things, they are testing their independence. Rules aren't forgotten; they are being tested. The question of asserting authority is an obvious one, but it often misses the point. What do you think your daughter is really trying to achieve beyond the rules? What is she trying to express through her behaviour?

Mum: Is this about independence? It just feels like resistance. I've explained the rules. Over and over again. School. Screen time. Helping out around the house. It doesn't seem to make any difference. Consequences hardly have any effect. I feel like I'm losing my influence.

Counsellor: Many parents respond by tightening the reins and imposing clearer consequences. That's understandable. At the same time, experience shows that teenagers often react to this by withdrawing or rebelling. Not primarily against the rules, but against the feeling that they aren't really being seen.

When emotional closeness begins to fray, rules take on a substitute role – by providing a sense of stability where the relationship is lacking.

Consultant

Mum: What do you mean? We do have a relationship. We live together. We talk to each other. We argue too.

Counsellor: Living together fosters closeness, but it doesn't automatically create a relationship. Talking alone doesn't create a connection. A relationship means trust, emotional depth and a sense of security. Does your daughter feel that she can come to you with her insecurities and inner turmoil? Or does she mainly feel that you have expectations of her?

Mum: I don't know if she trusts us anymore.

Counsellor: This uncertainty is a key indicator. In many families, conflicts over rules tend to be particularly pronounced where emotional closeness has broken down. Rules then take on a substitute role. They are meant to provide a sense of security where the relationship is lacking. Young people often react to this development with resistance.

Mum: So should I relax the rules or drop them altogether?

Counsellor: No. Rules remain important, especially during puberty. They provide structure and guidance. What matters most, however, is the foundation on which they are based. Without a sense of connection, rules become a matter of power. With a sense of connection, they become a shared framework. How does your daughter feel when you set a rule?

A relationship means remaining emotionally available. Even when the child is being difficult or turns away.

Consultant

Mum: I don't know. I feel that if I ease off a bit, everything will slip through my fingers.

Counsellor: Support does not come from pressure, but from presence. Building a relationship means remaining emotionally available – even when the child is being provocative or turning away. The key here is to remain calm and steadfast, without resorting to threats. Stay clear-headed, without letting the situation escalate.

Mother: Our daughter often comes across as cold and aloof.

Counsellor: Distance often acts as a form of protection. Closeness makes us vulnerable. Young people tend to withdraw when they feel they are being judged. It may be helpful to ask yourself what your daughter is protecting herself from at the moment. And what she might need to open up again.

Mum: And how do we get back to the rules from there?

Counsellor: By agreeing on rules together. Not as a rigid system, but as an expression of mutual respect. What do you need? What do I need as a mother or father? Where can we find a framework that works for both of us? These conversations take time and need to be repeated.

Mum: That takes a lot of patience.

Counsellor: Yes. You can't rush a relationship. In my work with parents and in research, similar patterns emerge time and again. When parents and children connect on an emotional level, conflicts over rules become less intense. They don't disappear straight away, but they're less likely to escalate.

Mum: Our daughter hardly ever says a word.

Counsellor: In that case, listening is more important than giving answers. Be present without an agenda. Ask questions without expectations. Trust grows quietly. Sometimes you need to sit with the silence so that words can emerge again.

Mum: And if she keeps breaking the rules?

Counsellor: Then remain visible and reliable. Be firm in your stance, but not punitive. Be supportive rather than threatening. The new concept of authority describes this as watchful care. I see you. I stay connected. I take responsibility, even if you withdraw.

Mum: Let's give it a go, even if just thinking about it brings that feeling of helplessness back.

Children are more likely to cooperate with people around whom they feel safe.

Consultant

Counsellor: Most parents are probably familiar with feelings of powerlessness. They remind us that a relationship is not about control. A genuine connection happens when we are prepared not to try to mould the other person, but to engage with them openly.

Mother: That's true. And yet, in certain situations, it seems so difficult to live by that and follow that compass. I can now see where we've used rules instead of nurturing our relationship.

Consultant: A relationship is the foundation on which rules can take root. Children are more likely to cooperate with people with whom they feel emotionally secure. Not out of fear of consequences, but out of a sense of connection.

Mum: Thank you very much for reminding me!

Consultant: You're welcome. I wish you every success and many special moments together.

This transcript is a heavily abridged record of a longer counselling session, distilled to its essentials. Our aim is, on the one hand, to provide an insight into our work and, on the other, to offer readers food for thought on similar issues. Yvonne Müller, Co-Director of Elternnotruf