Mr Ramming, what values did you feel it was essential to pass on to your children?
Respect and appreciation are particularly important to me, and I have passed this on. Quite simply, this means treating others as you would like to be treated yourself – whether we're talking about people, animals or our environment. Values play a major role in this, because they provide us with guidance and help us to act consciously and fairly, even in difficult moments.
What exactly are values?
Values form the foundation on which we organise our lives together. They are very specific behaviours that underpin our coexistence. Through these behaviours, I show others: I see you. They manifest themselves in small gestures: when we say «please» and «thank you», when we don't push in at the checkout, or when we hold the door open for others.
And how can parents convey what matters to them when living together?
Children are very observant and notice whether we practise what we preach. If I demand honesty but am not honest myself, they will notice. What really matters is communicated non-verbally – through our daily actions, the way we treat one another, how we set boundaries or resolve conflicts. And in the way we show our children that we value them.
So is the way we behave in everyday life more important than giving long explanations?
That's right. Our behaviour reflects our respect for and recognition of others as part of the community. Everyday life is shaped by many small moments: waiting at the dinner table until everyone is seated; not starting until everyone has something on their plate; getting up together. Such rituals show children that living together requires consideration, self-restraint and compromise.
These are quite traditional customs. Is it still possible to uphold such table manners?
Of course, the ways in which we live together are changing, and with them, our daily routines at the table. Rather than rigidly enforcing individual rules, it is more important that children understand why certain manners make sense – for example, because they demonstrate consideration and a sense of community.
Mum or Dad have gone to a lot of trouble to cook this, so I'm not just going to wolf it down and then run off straight away.
Exactly. When parents lead by example and demonstrate these values in their daily lives, children usually learn more from this than they do from strict instructions. So it's less about perfection and more about conveying an attitude that strengthens relationships and provides guidance.
We often underestimate just how deeply rooted we still are in our social roles.
Daughters and sons often view their parents in very different ways. How does what they learn from their mother and father shape their own understanding of gender roles?
Children look to both parents for guidance. They pick up very clearly on what makes them tick. A daughter pays particular attention to her mother – how she presents herself as a woman, how she handles closeness and distance, resolves conflicts, or copes with the social pressure to be «beautiful» and perfect in every way. And how she interacts with her father and with other men. At the same time, she also observes her father: how does he treat her mother, how does he treat her as a daughter, and how does he treat other women? But also: how does he set boundaries, and how does he take responsibility?
And what about sons?
It's similar, but the perspective is different. Sons observe closely how their father uses his strength, how he interacts with other men and conducts himself in society. They also watch how he treats their mother, their sister and other women. From their mother, they learn how women want to be seen and respected, how communication works, and that sensitivity and emotions are just as much a part of being a man as strength.
Aren't those stereotypes that no longer exist at all these days?
We often underestimate just how deeply rooted we still are in our social roles. What matters is not so much whether stereotypes still exist, but what children actually observe in everyday life. They notice very clearly how adults share responsibility, how they argue and make up again – and how they demonstrate respect, appreciation and closeness.
From this, children develop their own understanding of how to live together harmoniously; how conflicts are resolved, how compromises are reached, and how relationships based on mutual respect are possible.
After all, parenting often happens in everyday life. This is exactly where parents can demonstrate their values.
That certainly depends on a child's age and stage of development.
Yes, with an eight-year-old, for example, it's still very much about providing concrete guidance: showing, explaining, setting expectations, and establishing boundaries. Children of that age need clear guidance. They watch us adults closely: How do I interact with others? Am I honest? Do I show respect? Do I stick to what I have promised or threatened? Everything I model has a direct impact, because children still discover the world primarily through their family. Empathy is a key factor here.
What exactly?
Even babies can «read» their mother's emotions and see how she deals with them. However, they do not yet distinguish between themselves and others. They only learn this over time. Then they also begin to understand how their mother and father are feeling, for example, and what emotions they are experiencing.
This process is crucial because empathy is not something we are born with, but develops through many small experiences of relationships. When parents name their emotions and show how they deal with them, children are given a kind of map to guide them. In this way, they gradually develop the ability to empathise with others without losing themselves in the process.
How can respect and appreciation for children be made tangible and experienced?
Teaching always takes place through dialogue. With young children, the main focus is on setting an example by following your own principles and making use of specific everyday situations – whether they're playing, tidying up or interacting with others.
What matters most is that children feel they are taken seriously as individuals.
Parenting often takes place in everyday life, during moments of stress, conflict or frustration. It is precisely in these situations that parents can demonstrate values such as respect and fairness. It is in these small situations that children observe how to deal with anger, disappointment or differing opinions. By remaining calm themselves, listening and setting clear boundaries, mums and dads help children learn, step by step, to put these values into practice in their own behaviour. And when parents do lose their temper, the children understand that this can happen too and is part of life.
But how can one take a firm stance without coming across as authoritarian?
That really is quite a challenge. When an adult – who is taller, has more life experience and weighs more – explains something to a six-year-old, a power imbalance automatically arises. Children are very keenly aware of this, whereas adults tend to overlook it.
It is crucial that children feel they are taken seriously as individuals: «I can see that this situation is stressing you out. Yes, I'd find it challenging too.» At the same time, parents must set clear boundaries: frustration must not lead to verbal escalation or inconsiderate behaviour.
What is it like during puberty? Does the way parents instil values in their daughters and sons change?
If this process only begins during adolescence, things become difficult. At this stage, parents are no longer the authority figures who dictate everything, but rather companions, advisors or, at times, simply observers. Young people develop a stronger sense of self, their own circles of friends, and their own opinions and values. They begin to question, alter or supplement the family's values with new ones.
Could you give an example of that?
A classic example is the mobile phone. Suddenly, you hear comments like: «You can see I've read the message, so why do I have to confirm it to you as well?» In other words: «Respect my signals.» Discussions like these show that young people are questioning the rules and looking for their own solutions.
What does this mean for everyday family life?
During this phase, young people are very much preoccupied with themselves. This has a significant impact on their daily lives. The term «Hotel Mama» captures this well – the tension between being part of the family unit, with values such as punctuality and tidiness, and at the same time looking outwards towards their own peer group. Nevertheless, the family remains the most important training ground.
What does that mean in practical terms?
At home, young people mainly practise taking responsibility, weighing up decisions and assessing the consequences of their actions. They learn to cope with conflict, show consideration and make compromises – even if they often hide this well from the outside world. And they discover that relationships do not thrive on everything always running smoothly, but on how you reconnect after an argument. This is exhausting, and sometimes parents get the impression that the impact of their own behaviour is felt everywhere – except at home.
Parental values remain important to teenagers, even if they don't always admit it.
Mum and Dad don't always see eye to eye – is that a problem?
No. Parents bring their own experiences and beliefs to the table – and children sense this immediately. What matters is how you deal with it. This is particularly challenging for mixed-nationality couples, as different cultural influences and values come into play.
This can also be an opportunity for children. They learn that there are different ways of taking responsibility and building relationships. However, this should not turn into a «battle of values». The question of who comes out on top is not a helpful model.
It is important to adopt a united approach that the child can understand. This might involve both parents being open about their views, listening to one another, and choosing a solution that the child can understand – even if they initially held different positions.
That's easier said than done.
That's right! It becomes particularly difficult when fundamental views drift far apart and the focus shifts from finding solutions to proving who is right. It is important not to pit differences against one another. It is first and foremost up to the parents to find workable compromises with one another, because this is precisely how children learn how respectful communication works.
It is toxic for family harmony when children feel they have to choose whose side to take.
When it comes to negotiable issues – such as curfews, clothing or helping out around the house – it's a good idea to involve children and work together to find solutions that everyone can live with. And sometimes it also helps to make a clear distinction: in this area, it's more the «mum's world» that applies, and in that one, more the «dad's world» – as long as this remains understandable and consistent for the child.
Why is that so important?
It is detrimental to family harmony if children feel they have to choose sides. It is helpful if adults speak to one another respectfully, explain why there are different points of view, and show the child that mum and dad treat each other with respect despite their differences . Children then realise that compromises are possible and that rules can be clearly communicated, even when their parents disagree.
And what happens when parents split up?
This becomes particularly apparent after a break-up: children make very careful comparisons between what is allowed at Mum's and what is allowed at Dad's. Such differences can make living together difficult, yet physical separation often provides a clearer sense of direction.
Do teenagers still accept their parents’ beliefs once they reach a certain age?
Even though teenagers are exploring their identities, asserting their independence and questioning many things, their parents’ beliefs remain just as important. The values instilled in them from an early age and modelled by their parents continue to provide a stable foundation and offer guidance, even if teenagers don't always admit it.
Parents can only be credible if they themselves use media responsibly.
But how do parents maintain their influence as their children become increasingly independent?
The most important factor is surprisingly simple: parents need to remain present. Children must be allowed to go their own way and see things differently. However, those who have built trust early on and created a reliable framework retain their influence during this phase too, precisely through guidance, setting an example, and reassuring the child: «I'm here, I'm listening, I'm supporting you.» The key is to keep the lines of communication open, to check in regularly, to listen and to be visible. Contradiction at this stage is usually a developmental strategy, not a challenge to parental authority.
A major point of contention between parents and teenagers is digital media, particularly mobile phones.
Especially during puberty, teenagers often perceive much of what their parents say as patronising, particularly when it comes to digital media. Nevertheless, it is important to make it clear that, as a father, I do care about the content my child is exposed to.
What constitutes good and respectful support?
Conscious guidance means looking at things together: What are the children consuming? What interests them? What content are they absorbing? And keeping the conversation going. Open-ended questions are helpful, such as: What do you think about that? How do you see it? Why do you find that interesting? In this way, children learn to reflect on media content and form their own judgements, without parents having to dictate every detail.
But that only works if mum and dad aren't glued to the screen themselves, is it?
Parents can only be credible if they themselves engage with the media in a conscious and informed way. This involves explaining why they use certain sources and scrutinising information critically. They can make it clear that truth, objectivity and respect are fundamental to living together harmoniously. In this way, children learn to say for themselves: «I don't like that; it doesn't fit with what I've learnt.» Protecting children therefore does not mean shielding them, but empowering them through education, guidance and clear values as benchmarks.
And what if children or teenagers develop their own views that differ significantly from those of their parents?
This happens frequently and is completely normal. As they grow up, children and teenagers develop their own values and beliefs. This is simply part of becoming independent and developing their personalities. But that doesn't mean our values are suddenly useless. On the contrary: they often continue to form the foundation on which our children build, even if they see things differently or question them.
How should parents react if their child suddenly starts expressing views they disagree with?
I like the attitude of «freedom to disagree». After all, new ideas often emerge from differences of opinion. Parents can start by really listening and trying to understand why their children hold these views.
And then?
Engage in an open dialogue with your teenager: explain why certain values are important, give examples from everyday life, be open about your own reasons – whilst at the same time allowing your teenager to disagree, ask questions or put forward their own views.
At the same time, we must respect the fact that children and young people have their own experiences and draw their own conclusions. Discussions can certainly be heated. But if they are conducted respectfully, they foster development on both sides. And the child realises: I'm allowed to express my opinion and try things out, but there are fundamental principles that still apply. Having no one to engage with, no one who takes a stand, is more harmful than parents who sometimes get on your nerves.
