Stuff a few clothes under the duvet to make it look as if someone's lying there. Then slip out the window and off to the party, whilst the parents sleep, completely unaware. In countless films, teenagers take this route because their parents have forbidden them from going out. Who wants to stay at home when all their friends are allowed to party together?
Admittedly, real life isn't an American high school comedy. And most attempts to sneak out of the bedroom en masse fail simply because the bedroom isn't on the ground floor. «But this example does show what happens when you simply ban things without any discussion: then they're likely to be done in secret,» says Daniela Melone, managing director of Elternbildung CH, the national umbrella and professional association for parent education.
Children have a right to be told why they are not allowed to do this or that.
Daniela Melone, adult educator
New experiences, new arguments
Children have a mind of their own from a very young age. What they want is often not what their parents have in mind. Nevertheless, for many years, parents remain the most important source of guidance for children – whether it's a question of table manners, leisure activities or what to wear.
«But as children reach primary school age, friends become increasingly important as attachment figures,» says Kira Ammann, senior lecturer at the Institute of Education at the University of Zurich. Children who regularly have lunch or play at other children's homes realise that different rules apply there than at home. And that some things are allowed there that would be unthinkable at home.
This experience gives children a whole new set of arguments to use when arguing with their parents. «Everyone else is allowed to do it, so why can't I?» is a valid question that parents will often hear from then on.
Unlike a nursery school child's defiant retort of «But I want to», primary school pupils use the «friends comparison» to start a discussion. «And they are also entitled to a reasonable answer,» says Melone.
«But that's just how it is with us. Full stop!»
However, parenting coach Melone often observes that parents simply shut down the discussion: «That's just how it is in our house. Full stop!» While such a statement might give parents some peace of mind, the message the child picks up is: I'm not being taken seriously; nobody's listening to me. Next time, I won't even bother asking if I want to go to a party. Maybe I'll just climb out of the window.
«It's better not to simply cut the conversation short, but to listen to exactly what the child wants and why it's so important,» says Melone. She then advises parents to explain their own point of view («We're worried because you want to walk all that way to the party on your own») and to look for compromises together with the child («Perhaps you could go with a friend and she can stay over at your place afterwards»).
Children develop every day. That is why it is important to keep reviewing the rules and restrictions within the family.
«It's quite possible that you won't reach a compromise and the child will still be upset after the discussion,» says Melone. But at least they now understand their parents’ reasons.
«To keep the lines of communication open, I would suggest, to wrap things up, that the child can come back at any time to have the decision explained to them if there's anything they still don't understand,» says Melone.
Ask other parents
It's often not true that everyone else is allowed to do it. This claim is one argument in a family row – but not the only one. «As parents, it's perfectly fine to question this critically,» says educational psychologist Ammann. Anyone who asks other parents often finds that this idea of «being allowed» isn't true at all. Or perhaps it was only permitted as a one-off exception.
When that famous phrase is uttered, however, it's a good opportunity to rethink the rules and restrictions within the family. Especially when it's often said by children, perhaps even accompanied by the accusation: «You're always so strict!»
After all, children develop every day. Whereas six months ago they were still unsure swimmers who weren't allowed to go to the outdoor pool on their own, things may be quite different today.
«Children want to show that they've learnt something new. They're always keen to prove themselves and are happy to take on responsibility. When they're given the chance to do so, parents can easily see what's already going well and where a bit of extra support might be needed. They can see whether they can relax the rules, adjust boundaries or lift restrictions,» says parenting advisor Melone.
Discussion among parents
How much pocket money is appropriate? What time should the child be home by? And does a ten-year-old really need their own smartphone already ? Even parents who keep a close eye on their children and constantly encourage them to become more independent find themselves time and again in situations where they're not quite sure what the right rule is.
«The simplest and most human thing to do is to see how other parents handle it,» says Melone. She believes this exchange between parents is important for gaining inspiration. However, Melone also points out that the rules of other families cannot always be copied exactly into one's own.
«It also makes sense to take a critical look at how others behave: Where did the other families get this idea from? What's the thinking behind it? Is it generally recommended?» says Melone. After all, «everyone else» is important to parents too – but they aren't the be-all and end-all.
Daniela Melone, Managing Director of Elternbildung CH, advises parents to at least get into the habit of adding a quick sentence: «We'll talk about this again tomorrow or at the weekend when we've got time.» This way, parents aren't simply cutting the discussion short, but are signalling to the child: I've heard that there's something you need to talk about.
Of course, such discussions with children can be exhausting at times. «But exchanging arguments, listening to one another and finding compromises – all of this is important later on for good communication in the adult world,» says Melone.
Children can practise these skills with their parents. It is important to remain on an equal footing – in two respects. Firstly, the topics and length of the discussion must not overwhelm children, as children and teenagers have a shorter attention span than adults.
A serious conversation with a primary school pupil should therefore last no more than 10 to 20 minutes at most, and slightly longer with teenagers. Secondly, it helps to have good conversations if parents can look the child in the eye and do not talk «from a position of superiority». For parents of younger children, this means: crouching down or sitting together on the sofa or at the table.
