My child is afraid
The most important information
Fears in children are completely normal. Whether it's a dark room or a monster under the bed, the development of a child's brain is one of the factors responsible for fear. Children need to be close to their parents or other carers and to be reassured that they will learn how to deal with the situation themselves.
Sometimes, however, a child also suffers from anxiety that is transmitted by the parents. Children are extremely sensitive when it comes to the feelings of family members.
Read on to find out how you can help your child in an anxiety situation and create a basis of trust, and why you should definitely take your child's statements seriously. You can also read about the different types of parents. Which type are you?
Most children suffer from anxiety to a greater or lesser extent at times. This anxiety often has little or nothing to do with the parents' mental state. But sometimes the conscious or unconscious internal and external behaviour of the parents does play a major role. At pre-school age in particular, children often have a 24-hour «hotline» to their parents' feelings and moods. It is natural for children to become anxious when their parents have many destructive conflicts, shout loudly at each other and when verbal or physical violence is part of everyday life.
At the same time, however, anxiety in children can also be an expression of a hidden anxiety in the parents, for example the father's performance anxiety, which he has learnt to hide, or the mother's perfectionism, which is also a kind of performance anxiety. It can also be a mother who has developed a permanently anxious attitude in her relationship with her children. Or it could be the parents' insecurity in their role as parents and their fear of doing something wrong. This insecurity arises, for example, when the child frequently suffers from anxiety - and thus a vicious circle is initiated.
In general, however, children's anxiety is linked to their lack of knowledge and experience. Very young children are afraid of unfamiliar people, faces and situations. Later, fear of separation, darkness, falling asleep and new situations with strangers and the like develops. These fears are related to the development of the brain.
The infrastructure of the brain
In simple terms, the brain can be compared to an infrastructure - a complex network of connections that are developed with a speed and complexity that we cannot even imagine. Some of these connections develop on their own, while others are a consequence of actions, behaviour patterns, habits and experiences.
If, for example, many children are afraid of what might happen if they close their eyes to sleep, this can be compared to how an inexperienced cross-country skier would react if they had previously only skied on groomed trails and were suddenly sent into a dark forest without a trail. In this situation, the physical proximity of the parents and a bit of light by the bed can often help. This allows the child to slowly get used to the situation and find their own safe trail.
Children's fears are linked to the development of the brain.
In this phase, the parents' willingness to be present and the quality of the relationship with the child are crucial to how the child's patterns develop. A calm adult who trusts that the child will find the right path on its own is the ideal guide. A nervous, stressed, frustrated or mentally absent adult, on the other hand, is not a good companion. The lack of inner calm and the parents' mistrust of the learning process hinder a child's development.
What parents can do
It is precisely this aspect, which sheds light on the condition of adults, that was not considered in the past. Parents have been advised for generations to create safe, manageable and fixed frameworks for their children so that they develop «healthy habits». This is undoubtedly an important prerequisite for learning to sleep, for example.
The combination of the body's natural need to sleep and trust in the parents' guidance helps the child to embark on the dark and unknown trail. If the child feels lost, disorientated and anxious along the way and calls out to mum or dad, it is important to get a balanced and trusting response back. Don't forget: children need to sleep for their own sake - not for their parents!
The child's ability to cope with their fears depends on how the adults around them feel.
In truth, many parents need the same training; namely the development of a healthy behavioural pattern in the role of «sleep coach». Adults also often have an overly rational approach: consider the time you spend with your child as a privilege. Half an hour or a whole hour in which you are very close to your child and also feel how important you are to each other. Consciously relax in this situation, even if it is difficult after a long day.
The same basic rules for dealing with anxiety also apply to toddlers. Take it seriously, but not personally. If a three-year-old talks about monsters under the bed, it's not a good idea to deny their existence. It is better to ask the child to draw the monsters or to talk to them about them. Drawing is a form of expression in which people can sometimes communicate better than through words. The answer to the question of what we as parents can do to help our children when they get scared is to show empathy and recognition. There are three typical different styles of parenting:
- Die überbeschützenden und überbesorgten Eltern, die in Wirklichkeit sich selbst zu beruhigen versuchen oder nicht vertragen, dass ihre Kinder ganz normale Gefühle haben.
- Die verständnisvollen Eltern, welche die Erlebnisse des Kindes von ihren eigenen Erlebnissen unter scheiden können.
- Die pragmatischintellektualisierenden Eltern, die nicht viel Nähe bieten.
Example: A two-year-old wakes up in the middle of the night because of a thunderstorm, cries and calls for mum and dad. The first type of parent takes the child to them, but is so upset that it takes a long time for the child to calm down. The second type of parent takes the child, strokes it and says: «Yes, I know. You can get really scared when it's thundering and lightning outside, but nothing happens here with us.» The third type of parent holds the child in front of them and explains the physics of the thunderstorm in the unrealistic expectation that the child's rational ego can absorb this information.
When a child experiences fear, we are confronted with our urge to protect the child as best we can - to the extreme, we want to keep the fear and its cause away from the child.
This is a nice thought, but unfortunately not possible. The early episodes in childhood are a good exercise for parents to detach themselves from the symbiosis with their child and to learn that the most important role of parents is to make themselves available with all their life experience and their overview. This enables the child to develop its own way of coping with life.
