«Overprotected children are blocked in their autonomy»
Mrs Gut, why do some parents find it harder to let go than others?
Several factors play a role here: As a mum or dad, how much do I know my own needs? How much am I looking forward to finally being able to fulfil them again after having held back for a long time? How do I deal with change? Have I lived my life so far in a self-determined or externally determined way? If I have lived a more self-determined life so far, I am confident that I can make further changes in this situation and feel competent in doing so. Ultimately, this also has a positive effect on the child's detachment process.
What is too much care? That is surely very individual.
That is indeed the case. Developmental psychology therefore speaks of a fit or misfit between the child and the environment that promotes or hinders their development. Development progresses optimally when the child is always picked up where it currently stands in terms of development and its needs are recognised. I like the motto «As little as possible, as much as necessary».
It requires constant openness and reorientation in order to find the right balance.
I advise parents to imagine they are looking at the situation from high above, like an eagle circling over the rooftops. This can help them to see the big picture. Questions such as «What is currently going on with my child?», «What is going well?», «Where can they still develop further?» can be very helpful. And the right balance also depends to a certain extent on the situation.
In what way?
For example, a young person who was previously very independent may need more support than expected when they are about to change schools or enter working life. It always requires openness and reorientation in order to find the right balance.
What are the consequences for children when parents overprotect them?
If children and young people are overprotected, they cannot experience their own self-competence. They have fewer experiences of success, have less confidence in themselves and are more quickly overwhelmed by obligations and everyday burdens. If children are always told by their parents that they are not yet ready for the next step or that there are dangers lurking everywhere, they may become less and less confident and anxious. Not letting go blocks children and young people in their own autonomy and self-esteem development.
And in an emergency, they tear themselves away because there's no other way?
It is quite possible that the process of detachment will be stronger and more rebellious if the parents do not let go. In extreme cases, this can result in a premature move out of the parental home or even a complete break in contact. These are necessary steps, so to speak, because they are the only way for young people to take charge of their own lives without feeling patronised or not taken seriously enough.
In some cases, young people want to prove their maturity to themselves and live out an exaggerated degree of freedom that is too much for them. For example, they throw themselves into danger and break all boundaries to prove their independence to their parents.
What should you do if you are extremely clingy and simply can't let go? When should you get help?
Firstly, it can be helpful to talk to other parents to see how they deal with the issue. This can help them to loosen up a little and open up their boundaries. If the child or young person handles these freedoms well, the parents may also feel that giving the child more responsibility is the right way to go.
Psychological counselling can also help you to analyse your own fears, behaviours and parenting styles so that you can feel freer. Letting go has a lot to do with relinquishing control and trusting that our children can master life themselves. Fear is irrational, distorts perception and is therefore an ideal breeding ground for blockages.
The reason for clinging is usually fear.
Some parents say things to their children like: «If you do that, mum or dad will be really sad.»
It is important to talk about your own feelings, as this also teaches children that it helps to talk about how you feel. However, making the child or young person feel guilty when they want to be independent is obviously not conducive to the development of autonomy and puts the child in a conflict of loyalty. This kind of behaviour can lead to young people preferring to break off contact rather than witnessing how their parents suffer because of them every time.
But why do parents say such things?
Such behaviour is honest in a way, but it shows little self-reflection. If I, as a parent, realise what I am doing to my child with such statements, then I may formulate my feelings differently. The reason for this is usually fear. Of loneliness, of being less involved in the child's life and having no influence on it. It is also possible that after years of focussing on their children, parents are now afraid of a new, uncertain phase in their lives.
Do you experience such cases in your practice?
I often have young people in therapy who want to break away from their parents but have not managed to do so in a gentle way because the parents had too much trouble letting the children go their own way. I once had a young adult with me who felt very responsible for her sick father. He asked her every time during the visit whether she would like to stay with him. This put the young person in a stressful conflict of loyalty.
On the one hand, she looked forward to visiting him, but on the other hand, she was always very sad when she said goodbye because she knew that her father was sad that she was living her own life in her own flat. This slowed her development and made her worry about him. In psychotherapy, we tried to ensure that she didn't have to feel responsible for her father's life and wellbeing and that she was able to set herself apart more.
