Mr Juul, how do I deal with fits of rage?
The most important information
How can parents convey to their child that they are valuable and loved, even when they throw tantrums?
In the text, the experienced family therapist Jesper Juul gives a clear example of how a conversation with the child could take place in order to find a constructive and effective solution. In the full text, he explains why the boy is behaving in this way and that the outburst of anger is primarily a signal that the child does not seem to be happy with the family situation.
A reader writes to Jesper Juul:
I follow your column in Fritz+Fränzi magazine with great interest. I always look forward to your answer and think in advance about what I would do. Now I'm also in a situation where I don't know how to help myself any more, so I've come to you.
We have two boys aged just under 8 and 4. Both are usually nice to each other and get on quite well despite the age difference. At the moment, however, the younger one is throwing extreme tantrums whenever something doesn't go his way. Typical defiance at this age. Unfortunately, things like metal cars and Lego bricks fly in our direction (our heads have already been hit) when he's still in the living room, otherwise he slams his door and throws his things against the wall there too. This is quite exhausting. I am of the opinion that he needs to go to his room in this situation, only then he gets much angrier. Do you have a «better» suggestion on how we can get this anger under control? Above all, I don't want him to throw objects at us.
Another problem is his strong language. How should we react when he tells us we're stupid, for example, or tells his brother he's a double A...? For six months now, we simply can't get this away from him. Although his big brother very rarely uses such words, the little one has no inhibitions about using them. I am looking forward to your answer!
Jesper Juul answers:
Behaviours like the ones you describe for your two sons are rarely linked to a specific age. They are merely what we call «signals» in modern developmental psychology. In this case, you call it a problem that requires a solution. However, if we call it a signal, it requires understanding.
Let me start with your youngest son. His frustrated or angry behaviour is a signal that shows you that he is not comfortable with the way you are trying to raise him. When a child loses his sense of worth and reacts with aggression - whether it is destructive or self-destructive - it is always due to the conscious or unconscious message from adults who are telling the child that he is more of a burden than a pleasure. Frustration/aggression (in children as well as adults) can be a sign that your son does not like what you are asking him to do or not to do. However, it is also a sign that the way you are treating him is not pleasant for your son, and may even be hurtful. In a conflict like this, it is often much more about the how than the what.
If a family member is repeatedly angry and frustrated, this is a message to the parents that it makes sense to find new and more constructive ways of working together.
Signals always arise as a result of how we live together in the community (as a family). If a family member is repeatedly angry and frustrated, this is a message to the parents that it makes sense to find new and more constructive ways of living together. (I have described this in my book «Aggression»).
Aggression and anger are generally not welcome in many families from a moral point of view. The traditional way to extinguish these feelings in children is to use power: for example, sending the child to his or her room, spanking the child, calling the child names, shouting at the child, punishing the child. Society often approves of these educational measures as such.
Here's an alternative: sit down with your son at a non-confrontational time, look him kindly in the eye and tell him: «Listen, sweetheart, I don't like the way we argue when we disagree, and I know it's my responsibility to change that. I need your help. Please tell me what I can do differently if things get this destructive between us again. I don't want you throwing things around and damaging things.»
This way, he will feel loved and valuable to your life and family, and I promise you that he will give you one or more clues to guide you to more constructive and effective parenting.
Him hitting with his tongue (expletives they mention) is just another form of aggression and another signal that shows you he is uncomfortable as a family member. A four-year-old can't come and say, «I want to tell you all something: I've been uncomfortable with my life in our family for a long time, and I need your help to figure out what's wrong. Would you please help me?»
The message should be: You don't always have to be happy for me to love and support you!
Most adults can't do that either. Adults often also need a time when they are grumpy, irritable, critical or depressed - none of which is "nice" for those around them. It can be any family member who is scolding and in a bad mood. They can take the same approach: "I've noticed that you haven't been feeling well with us recently and if you can tell me, I'd like to know why. I love you just as much, even if you feel bad."
The only thing you need to do as a parent or partner is this: Let the other family members know that you don't expect them to be happy all the time , and that they can count on your love and support even when they aren't or are unable to find the right words to express their unhappiness. Children need a whole childhood - around ten years - to realise their impulses constructively and creatively. In order for them to succeed, they need adults who understand their frustration/aggression.
