Let go of stress!

Honeymoon: our first trip together outside Europe. We have landed in paradise! Snow-white sand sparkles in the light of the setting sun, the sea is turquoise blue, palm trees sway gently in the sea breeze. Hand in hand, we stroll down to the beach on the first evening, where tables have been set up for a candlelit dinner. We sit down and smile.

«What are you doing?» I ask as my husband rolls up the sleeves of his shirt and slips out of his shoes under the table. «I'm warm, and look how cosy, everyone's barefoot.»

«Did you know that there are hookworms in the sand in this country? Nasty parasites, I've read that they bore through the sole of your foot and then everything gets infected,» I mumble as I rummage in my bag for the insect repellent. I'm warm even with my long sleeves and light-coloured scarf, as described in the travel advice. After all, the malaria mosquitoes are particularly active at dusk! And then the question that I would have done better not to ask: «Erm, darling, would you like to spray your arms as well? Because the malaria mosquitoes ...» Silence. «You're not serious, are you?»

We are all constantly confronted with uncertainties or potential threats: whether it's possible dangers when travelling, a newly diagnosed illness, media reports about crime or a new virus in our area, articles about «parenting mistakes that will cost us dearly in 20 years' time» or a recommendation from school to have your child checked out.

«Now let it come to you»

How do we deal with potential threats? Psychological research has been investigating this question for decades, with two tendencies emerging time and again: Some people are information seekers. They want to know more about the potential danger, do extensive research on the internet, buy guides, want to discuss it with others and thereby gain security.

On the other hand, there are people who tend to avoid information. In tense or potentially threatening situations, they prefer to block out the topic, distract themselves and relax.

Many conflicts in the family or in friendships are fuelled by these opposing tendencies. How is it with you? The following «example accusations» will make it easy for you to judge.

Are you an information seeker or an information avoider? Take the test.

If you are more of an information seeker and your counterpart is an information avoider, you will be annoyed by their supposed passivity and composure:

• «Das scheint dich überhaupt nicht zu interessieren – das kann ja wohl nicht wahr sein!»
• «Man kommt gar nicht zu ihm durch. Er ist total verstockt.»
• «Immer machst du alles mit dir alleine aus.»
• «Nur weil du so tust, als wäre das Problem nicht da, geht es auch nicht weg.»
• «Du lässt mich total allein damit. Ich will doch auch nur vorbereitet sein und keine bösen Überraschungen!»

Conversely, you are annoyed by your counterpart's apparently endless problem-solving:

• «Jetzt kommst du schon wieder mit diesem Thema. Darf man sich auch einfach mal entspannen?»
• «Lass es doch einfach auf dich zukommen!»
• «Jetzt entspann dich mal und beschäftige dich nicht dauernd damit.»
• «Muss man alles zerreden? Das bringt doch jetzt auch nichts, sich darüber Gedanken zu machen, es kommt, wie es kommt.»
• «Das hatten wir doch besprochen, was ist denn jetzt schon wieder?»

If only the partner was a little different

The more pronounced the differences described above are, the more frequently fundamental discussions develop over time about which approach to uncertainties and problems is morally superior - and who should change. The fact that people with an information-avoiding tendency often appear to the outside world as if they don't care about problems also provides fuel for the fire. This is a fallacy, as several studies have shown: For example, people who claim to feel the least negative emotions in the face of threatening information show the highest levels of physical arousal. And: the less able a person's stress system is to recover from threatening information, the more likely they are to become information avoiders. To a certain extent, this therefore appears to be a form of protection to avoid excessive physical tension.

Basically, both tendencies are problematic in the extreme version. While excessive searching for information and wanting to talk about things harbours the risk of brooding too much, jumping from one worry to the next and developing depression and anxiety over time, people who systematically ignore threats and insecurities often go to the doctor too late, do not protect themselves sufficiently or only recognise relationship problems once their partner has moved out.

We are different - how do we deal with that?

If our counterpart is stressed, we often instinctively give them «our own medicine»: as an information seeker, we ask them questions about the situation and their feelings, encourage them to find out more about the situation, pass on articles, tell them about examples from our own circle of acquaintances. As an avoider, you tend to advise calmness, waiting and offer distraction. Depending on the fit, both may end up frustrated.

Instead of trying to «re-educate» your partner, it would often be more helpful to allow and recognise differences. It is liberating to be able to say: We function differently in this respect - and that's okay!

Many things become easier if we get to know each other better in this aspect and develop more tolerance. Perhaps with the help of questions like the following: What helps you when you are stressed? What do you want from me then? When do you feel most supported by me? When do you feel that you are not being taken seriously or left alone? Where does my reaction become an additional burden for you?

It takes effort to give the other person what helps them and not what you yourself find helpful.

It usually involves a certain amount of effort to give the other person what helps them, rather than what we ourselves find helpful. If we are prepared to go that extra mile for our loved ones from time to time, we protect our relationships from unnecessary blame and devaluation.
And so my husband rubs the smelly insect repellent on his arms while smirking about his «overprepared girlfriend». The next day, I decide to withhold the results of my recently completed research into the spread of the Zika virus from him, switch off my mobile phone and finally enjoy paradise.