«Is someone sharing their concern with me?»

Ms Liussi, why is it not so easy to educate children in a needs-oriented way?

Parents who want to raise their children in a needs-oriented way face challenges in many ways. First, there is resistance from outside. Things that people in their immediate environment say to them, such as, «You're spoiling your child!» Then there is their own upbringing. If I experienced things differently as a child, I fall back into old patterns when I feel overwhelmed, shouting or sending the child to their room.

Or the partner may not be on board because they don't understand or reject the parenting style. After all , it is often mothers who read up on the subject and then pass on their knowledge to their partners in small doses. This means that mothers are also responsible for «educating» their partners.

In your book Selbstbewusst bedürfnisorientiert (Self-confident and needs-oriented), you give tips on how parents can respond to criticism. What is the best response to statements such as «You spoil your child»?

My first piece of advice is: choose your battles wisely. Is it worth getting into an argument with this person right now? Is it your uncle, whom you only see once a year at Christmas? Or is it someone who interacts with you and your child on a daily basis and who you really want to understand your parenting style? You need to weigh these things up.

A needs-oriented attitude is one that asks: What does the individual need? What does the family system need? What do the people around us need?

My second piece of advice is to look empathetically behind the misunderstanding or accusation and ask yourself: Is this perhaps someone who is expressing their concern to me? If, for example, my grandmother questions my family bed – i.e. the fact that we sleep together with our children in one large bed – then she may be concerned about my marriage . If I assume that she does not mean any harm, I can engage in conversation with her.

But what exactly can parents say?

I can say: «Are you worried? Can I tell you what I think about it and why you don't need to worry?» That's better than direct confrontation. After all, many traditional parenting methods are still deeply ingrained in the collective consciousness. We can therefore assume that most of these statements are not meant maliciously.

You could also say, for example: «We know a lot about child development today , which is why we have decided to do things differently. Just like you fasten your seatbelt in the car today to be better protected in the event of an accident. Because science has advanced and we want to follow that and choose the best path for our child.» This allows you to defuse the attack and reinforce your own position.

The topic of needs-based education is generally fraught with misconceptions. How can we get a clearer picture of what needs-based actually means?

First, it is important to define the term: needs orientation is an attitude that respects the most important needs of individual family members as a system. This attitude is essentially rooted in two fundamental needs: the need for growth and development and the need for guidance. If, on the one hand, my child experiences autonomy and is allowed to develop, and on the other hand, receives guidance from me on how to interact with others, then everything will run smoothly.

If my child is allowed to discover their own boundaries and, through me, learn to understand the boundaries of other people as well as the needs of society, then we are on the right track. For me, structure and guidance are also a social necessity that I must pass on to my child. In a needs-oriented approach, I always see myself as a translator, either of my own needs or those of the people around me.

So the needs-oriented attitude extends beyond the family?

Exactly. Needs-based care is basically an attitude that stays with us into adulthood, but it also goes beyond the family. Not everyone likes the term «needs-oriented,» but I like it precisely because it includes the needs of everyone, including the family, society and its groups. Then I can always ask myself: What does the individual need? What does the family system need? What do the people around us need?

Our children want to be part of society. At the moment, however, their needs are almost invisible.

In society, children's needs are often overlooked.

Children definitely need more visibility in society; their needs must also be taken into account at this level. For example, I think they should have a say in the construction of a new playground, not just the landscape architect. But adultism, i.e. discriminatory attitudes towards children, is deeply rooted in society. Often this is not done intentionally, but children are simply not considered.

I think it's really important to start at the societal level, because our children want to be part of society. And that's actually a need, a social need. At the moment, however, the needs of children in society are almost invisible.

How could this visibility be improved?

Let's take children's toilets as an example. Children are incredibly happy when they are seen and can participate without needing help from adults. Or when they have a say in the design of a playground, when there are child-friendly tables at town festivals, when they can participate in kindergarten, and so on.

It is often the little things that make a big difference. And that naturally also applies to family friendliness, i.e. the needs of families. Focusing on needs works on many levels and is actually a political issue, because as a society we simply have to take human needs into account. And that naturally includes the needs of children and families.