«I'm scared of staying overnight at other children's houses»

«Why don't you ask Sarah?»

Staying overnight at other people's houses is a nightmare for me! My friends keep inviting me to pyjama parties. I really do want to go along, but I just can't manage it. The very thought of it makes me shudder. When I tried it last year, my parents had to come and pick me up late in the evening. How can I learn to sleep away from home?
Philomena, 11

Dear Philomena
Oh, that sounds brilliant:a pyjama party! – but for you, it's just awful. Luckily, that can change.

Lots of children don't mind staying over at their grandparents’ house, or at neighbours’ or friends’ houses. School camps and two-day school trips are a real treat for them. It's different for you and everyone else who hasn't managed to do that yet. I can assure you: you're not the only one with this problem.    

Being triggered by past experiences

I don't know if you've ever had a bad experience when you've stayed away from home. Sometimes, as a young child, you experience something that really frightens or frightens you . Although the event is long forgotten and over, that awful feeling from back then is stored in your brain. It resurfaces when you hear, smell, see, feel or sense something that reminds you of what happened back then. People say that you've been «triggered» by something.

It's quite possible that you get anxious every time you have to fall asleep in a new place. Is it perhaps the unfamiliar bed? Or the fact that your parents aren't there? Whatever the case, to ensure you have a positive experience next time, I'd recommend a proper training programme.    

When staying overnight for training, it's important to always feel reassured that your parents could pick you up at any time.

It might sound like a lot of effort at first, but it's worth it! Just imagine how happy you'll be when you can enjoy the pyjama party to the full.

Staying overnight away from home: A five-step guide

The sleepover training consists of five steps. Before you start, the easiest step would be to invite your girlfriend over for a sleepover. That way, you'll get to know each other better in this new situation. She'll already be familiar with your family and your bedtime routine, and you'll still be in your own familiar surroundings. After that, you can start the sleepover training. Here's how it works:

1. Someone you really like (such as a grandparentor godmother) is coming to stay at your house and will look after you whilst your parents go out. It's important that your parents don't come home until you're already asleep. 
2. The person who looked after you is coming back to your home and will sleep there whilst your parents are away all night.
3. You're going to stay overnight at this friend's house. Your parents are at home and could pick you up at any time if necessary.

Only once these three steps are going well should you continue with your training.  

4. Now you can go and stay the night at a good friend's house. I'd recommend that no other friends are there as well. Your parents are at home and could come and pick you up at any time.

If this works well – and you've managed it several times – then you can move on to step 5:  

5. You're staying over at a pyjama party and agree that your parents can come and collect you at any time.

As you can see, it's important to always feel reassured that your parents could come and pick you up at any time, should it turn out to be too difficult for you to spend the whole night there after all. This reassurance should help you avoid getting too stressed in the first place.

If you don't get the hang of it straight away, be patient and kind to yourself. There's an old saying: «No one is born a master.» It means you don't have to be able to do everything right from the start. Take your time and just keep trying – until you get it right.  

Don't wait too long to pack your first-aid kit – just use it.    

This belongs in the first-aid kit

To make sure these sleep sessions go smoothly, you should definitely bring an «emergency kit» with you. This kit is actually more like a small bag in which you pack the things that are important to you. They're there to help you if you feel anxious or uncomfortable before or whilst falling asleep.    

• Your favourite cuddly toy 
• A lavender sachet – the scent of lavender is soothing
• Fidget toys: to keep your fingers busy and relieve tension
• Mandalas and pencils: Colouring mandalas is relaxing
• A little book of jokes: your friends probably don't fall asleep straight away either, and they'll love these funny jokes
• Sweets (sugar-free)

I think it's perfectly normal that you'll feel a bit stressed at the start. So try to tackle any stress that arises straight away using the emergency kit. Don't wait too long – just use it.

And please don't think for a moment that any of this should make you feel embarrassed. No! If your friends are really good friends, they'll understand you and support you. After all, they'd want you to join them at their pyjama parties too.  

Right then, let's get started: organise the first training sessions as soon as possible.

Good luck – and here's to a lovely first sleepover with your besties!