«I wanted to take the pressure off my wife and totally overstretched myself»
Urs von Känel, 37, and his wife Salome, 35, live in Steffisburg BE with their three-year-old daughter Ela. Urs works as a physiotherapist and Salome is a special needs teacher. However, she has been unable to work since suffering from cancer and a stroke. These strokes of fate pushed the parents to their limits.
Salome: "When Ela was 15 months old, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Fortunately, my treatment was successful and the doctors were unable to find any more cancer cells a year later. A little later, however, I suffered a stroke, so the hospital visits, examinations and treatments continued.
I was in a terrible state, but I started to think about how I could relieve Urs.
Salome von Känel
It has to be said that this stress phase actually began during my pregnancy. I suffered from extreme nausea and vomiting and therefore had to be hospitalised. After the birth, Urs tried to relieve me so that I could get back on my feet. When I was diagnosed with cancer, he was already at his limit. I therefore put my needs on the back burner and sometimes didn't have the courage to ask for more help. The feeling of being a burden on others was very unpleasant. I was physically unwell, horribly so, but mentally I was thinking about how I could relieve Urs.
At some point, we talked to my psycho-oncologist about our situation. She then advised us that Urs should also seek therapeutic help. That helped us both a lot and changed the way we deal with each other as a couple and with ourselves. We are now much better at recognising and communicating our boundaries and needs. Thanks to this openness, we also know what the other person needs and can support each other. I have now discovered how good it is for me to sing and have been taking singing lessons for some time. Urs often plays the guitar in the evenings. We also often sing together with our daughter Ela. It brings incredible peace and joy to our everyday lives."
Urs: "A few days before we got Salome's cancer diagnosis, I had started my own business. That also demanded a lot from me. We couldn't change the fact that our situation was really challenging. But dealing with it proved to be an additional burden. I had to deal with many mindsets and patterns that came from male socialisation in our society. For example, I thought that it was my role as a man to be my wife's rock. I wanted to have her back. As a result, I had trouble falling asleep and sleeping through the night and was constantly exhausted.
I have learnt to accept feelings of weakness instead of reacting passively and aggressively.
Urs von Känel, physiotherapist
But I didn't admit to myself that I was overextending myself. At first I felt guilty and ashamed and then a hidden anger came up. What else can I do, I thought. It's just not enough! In my therapy, I started to recognise and allow my feelings. I learnt to accept feelings of weakness instead of reacting passively and aggressively. Together, we learnt to take care of ourselves. This also includes giving ourselves space where we can each do what we want to do on our own."
