«I often feel torn between children and my career»

Jaël, your new album is called Midlife. What does it mean for you to be in the middle of life?

I feel calmer and have been able to make peace with a lot of things in recent years. I actually feel something like happiness. I didn't know that for a long time, I even resisted it.

Why?

Between 20 and 30, I suffered from severe depression. Love was associated with a lot of heartache and drama. I found happy people rather boring or even boring (laughs).

The mental load consumes an enormous amount of energy.

I thought that depth only comes from suffering. However, I am increasingly moving away from the image of the suffering artist. Nevertheless, I remain a melancholic.

What do you mean?

I've never been a Hans Juppidu. Even as a child, I was fascinated by books like «The Brothers Lionheart», which are about dying. I've always been drawn to the dark, to a certain melancholy.

In «Only human» you sing about the challenges of working mums. What triggers you the most?

The mental load of having to think about everything at the same time takes up an enormous amount of energy. Advancing a career with children is an organisational tour de force. I admire single mums. I couldn't do that! Without my husband, my family and, since the beginning of the year, a nanny, I would never be able to juggle everything.

You also criticise the image of the perfect mother who masters everything seemingly effortlessly.

I have to take a good look at myself first. As with everything I do, I want to get it 100 per cent right. So I really threw myself into «Project Mum», read endless guides and followed x amount of advice. I thought I was perfectly prepared.

And then five years ago your son Eliah, a cry baby, was born ...

... and took me completely by surprise. My husband and I are rather quiet types. I myself was a dreamy and introverted child and then a cry baby comes to you. I was shocked and immediately asked myself: What am I doing wrong?

Have you compared yourself to other mums?

Yes, of course. For example, I attended a yoga class for mums with babies. All the other children were blissfully asleep, only mine was screaming like a baby. Then you go home. Again it screams for hours. You try to calm your child down, but it just doesn't work.

A vicious circle.

At some point, yes. The more stressed you are, the less your child calms down. You get into a downward spiral and have feelings and thoughts that scare you.

For example?

The stress hormones and exhaustion in your body scream: «Escape, you're in danger!» and then you suddenly feel the impulse to throw this screaming bundle far away.

I thought only mothers who fled a war zone with five children had the right to be overburdened.

What prompted you to go public with it?

I waited far too long to get help. At some point I was just sick, had two slipped discs and was completely at the end of my tether. That doesn't have to be the case!

I would like to encourage affected mothers and fathers to talk openly about it and get help at an early stage. Feelings of guilt and a strong inner judge are counterproductive. A cry baby is not the parents' fault.

It takes courage to say that you are overwhelmed as a mother.

But it is the prerequisite for getting out of the quagmire. I thought for a long time that I just had to accept it. Images of mothers who had fled a war zone with five children were stuck in my head. Only they had the right to be overwhelmed. But not Jaël Malli with a great job, a helpful environment and a single child!

Have you lowered your high standards of perfection as a mum in the meantime?

I often feel torn between my children and my career. I love my work and want to do it well, but on the other hand I love my children and want to spend as much time with them as possible. It's a constant struggle. But I'm on it and I know that it would be enough to be a «good enough mum», i.e. a good enough mum and not a perfect one. It would be more relaxed for everyone.

When does it become difficult? Do you have an example of this?

I don't really want to be one of those mums who have a competition at their child's birthday party. But then Eliah's sister was born and I didn't want him to feel like second fiddle, so I organised Papipapo again with a treasure hunt and pirate ship cake.

Maybe you're just thinking too much.

(Reflects) I've always been a very reflective person. But maybe this is also where my high sensitivity kicks in.

How does this manifest itself?

I perceive many things completely unfiltered and intensified: sounds, smells, feelings of other people. I often find it difficult to set myself apart.

A song for highly sensitive people:

In the song «Paralyzed» you deal with a sexual assault that happened to you many years ago. Why are you talking about it now?

The exhaustion from the first few years with Eliah triggered panic attacks in me, in which old issues resurfaced. The physical feeling of being totally at the mercy of my body, of not being able to defend myself, came up again and with it the memory of this assault. Here, too, I would like to encourage other women to break their silence. Repression is not an option; it will catch up with you sooner or later.

In the current criminal law on sexual offences, rape is only said to have occurred if the victim can prove that they resisted. This will change with the revision of Article 190. Every sexual act without consent is to be recognised as rape. What does that make you feel?

Oh, I didn't know that and I think it's very important! At the time, I immediately blamed myself. When a confidante asked me why I hadn't fought back, she had done this and that, I was even more intimidated. I was completely paralysed! Then it was rape (remains silent).

It's very good when women are freed from the enormous pressure of the evidence and thus perhaps have the courage to press charges.

How important is it for parents to take care of their own legacy and clear it up?

This should not be underestimated. Otherwise, there is a great danger that you will simply carry your own burdens or ancestral issues and pass them on to your children. For example, it would have been fatal for me if I had become a mother in my twenties. It's still a big challenge now, but I've been able to deal with a lot of things in the meantime. Before that, children would have been unimaginable.

New solo album «Midlife» by Jaël

Jaël's third solo album is about taking things with you and letting go. «I like this word. "For me, «midlife» is a midlife assessment that doesn't end in a crisis, but in an analysing look back and deep gratitude,» says the musician from Bern. «IiTii», Jaël's very first dialect song, celebrates its premiere.

The new album will be released on 31 March 2023 and can be pre-ordered here. Fritz+Fränzi is also giving away three double albums with exclusive photos, personal thoughts from the songwriter and a B-side with live recordings from the last tour and alternative versions of some new songs. Click here for the prize draw.