«I have to organise exclusive time for one child»

"A little jealousy is part of it. I didn't want to prevent that when I accepted the offer of counselling from our paediatrician. But I wanted to know what I could do to prevent the rivalry from escalating and whether there are ways to make it easier for Kian to start off with his brother.

Kian received a present from his brother for his birth: a great wooden excavator. Kian was very happy about this and associated it positively with Milo. From then on, I also made sure that visitors didn't just have eyes for the baby, but always greeted Kian first. I have also established that there are two different bedtimes. Even today, I always put Milo to bed first. Then I have exclusive time with Kian again.

When the children fight for my attention and are jealous, I sometimes send an SOS to the neighbour's flat.

We then tidy up together, talk about the day and cuddle a lot. That makes up for a lot of the little moments in everyday life when he sometimes has to take a back seat as the older brother. I'm alone with the two of them, I can't split myself in two. Fortunately, when I feed Milo, Kian eats on his own, there's no other way.

Visits with the father are irregular and can't be scheduled. So I've been looking for other ways to organise time slots in which I have mummy time with a child. Our neighbours are trained foster parents. They offered to support us right from the start and are now part of a kind of extended family.

Sometimes, when my two children are fighting for my attention and are jealous and angry, I send an SOS to the neighbour's flat. Together we often find a good solution for the boys. One of my oldest friends is Kian's godfather. He is there for my children once a week and also defuses the rivalry.

I have the feeling that this system works: of course there are sometimes arguments. But Kian and Milo love each other very much and are very affectionate with each other. There is no fundamental, deep-seated frustration."