«I can do one thing: recognise the good guys»
For HR coach Marissa, 44, from Zurich, resilience is not a magic power that we draw from ourselves alone. It's more important to be able to count on the right people, says the wife of industrial designer Lionel, 44, and mum to Rian, 8, and Julian, 6.
I don't see myself as extremely resilient. If I have to juggle more than two appointments a day, I'm out of steam. Or the conflicts of conscience at the weekend: Should I go to my mum's nursing home or spend time with Lionel and the boys? Things don't pass me by without a trace. Perseverance is also not my strong point: I was always quick in everything I did - often too quickly. I wanted to solve problems immediately.
That changed when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was 37 and pregnant. That was the first time in my life that I slowed down and said: stop, now is the time for prudence. For me, this meant getting as much information as possible. With the pace set by the hospital, there was no time for that.
My mum gave me something important: the knowledge of my strengths.
Marissa
But I knew that in order for me to get better, I needed people who would look after me. I turned to our midwife and paediatrician. They put me in touch with people who helped me to continue my treatment elsewhere. Once a doctor took me aside, whose words I never forgot: she said that I alone was the captain of this ship - and not simply at the mercy of things.
I used this ability to act and travelled around to get opinions. My doctor listened to everything openly and gave me time to make decisions that I could stand behind. Without her, I wouldn't have got through everything - the operations, the chemotherapy - so well. Nor without Lionel and his unshakeable confidence.
Important confidants strengthen resilience
I have often been asked where I get the strength to be so positive. I owe all the stages that were crucial to my recovery to trusted people who showed me the way. I got to the right people. That has always been the case. One thing I can do is recognise the good ones. And I've had some practice in dealing with adversity. As a child, I was severely asthmatic and allergic and had two life-threatening anaphylactic shocks.
Things didn't run smoothly at home either. Our father, basically a nice person, had outbursts when he drank. Then my parents would get into heated arguments. Sometimes my mum would take us to grandma's in the middle of the night. My father never got violent until the day that led to my sister, my mother and I living in a women's refuge for a while. Nevertheless, I had a happy childhood. There was so much joie de vivre! I drew it from my friendships, countless free afternoons with other children, the constant, loving relationship with my mum.
My mum gave me something important: the knowledge of my strengths. She knew us well and made sure that we got to know ourselves well. For example, by encouraging us to be honest with ourselves. After an argument with others, she comforted us, but also showed us alternative perspectives. My mum was always there. She knew about my flighty nature, my tendency to have spontaneous ideas, which sometimes prevented me from being consistent. She said: When it comes down to it, you are strong. I always had this message in my ear.
Giving our sons the basic confidence that they are good and that things will turn out well - that is the most important thing for Lionel and me.
