«Being unhappy is a precious feeling»

Mr Koch, you say that unhappy or sad children are not a bad thing. What do you mean by that?

It is interesting that we now have to justify this statement. Happiness is hugely important in our Western society today. You could also say that we live under a happiness dictate. Countless marketing and advertising strategies follow the imperative «Just be happy!»: there are happy jams, happy holidays, choosing a partner is supposed to make you happy, films and songs are all about it. And it has also crept into education: If I enter «happy children» on the internet, I am shown countless parenting guides that promise exactly that.

What do you have against happy children?

Nothing at all, on the contrary. But I find it difficult when, conversely, unhappiness is interpreted as a flaw or parents feel that their child must always be happy. But the son is angry because his father said no to the second ice-cream scoop. The daughter is sad because she wasn't invited to a birthday party, or stressed because the maths test is weighing on her mind.

Do many parents see it as a weakness if they don't succeed in making their child happy?

Yes, that's what I experience in my practice. This is based on the assumption that if I don't remove all obstacles from my child's path, I will make them unhappy - and then it's my own fault if I don't manage to relieve my daughter's anxiety about the upcoming maths test. On the other hand, it is difficult for children who grow up in such an environment to admit that they are sad or unhappy.

By overcoming unhappy moods, children and young people feel strong.

Why is unhappiness so important for a child's development?

Children should be able to communicate both positive and negative moods. Because there is no growing up without unhappy moments. Every child feels lonely, misunderstood or rejected at some point. Simply admitting this and being able to talk about it with others frees them from unhappiness. Being unhappy is therefore a sign of vitality. It is precisely by overcoming unhappy moods that children and young people feel strong. Those who do not recognise this mood because it is not allowed do not know what happiness feels like. Being unhappy is therefore a precious feeling.

At what age do children realise that they are unhappy?

Up to the age of twelve, children find it difficult to express themselves in abstract forms and name how they feel. They are more likely to communicate this through gestures or body postures. If an eight-year-old is unhappy, he doesn't ask himself: «What does this have to do with me?», but experiences things in a very situational way: his best friend moves away, his father and mother separate, the neighbour's girl doesn't want to play with him.

Suppose your ten-year-old daughter's best friend turns to another girl, which makes her very sad. How should the parents react to this?

Above all, it's important not to talk down to your daughter: «It's not so bad!» Or to transfer your own view onto the child: «I've never found Lara likeable.» Instead, it's important to treat the child sensitively, give them the freedom to speak for themselves and emphasise: «You can express your negative feelings!»

In general, the best way to help unhappy children is to take them seriously, treat them as equals and use first-person messages: «I understand you, I've been there too.» It is therefore important to make space for the daughter's unhappy moods, to recognise them and at the same time to encourage the child to find her way out on her own. Because this experience corresponds with the all-important feeling of self-efficacy that should develop in childhood; the knowledge that «I can make myself feel better again».

But what if my 14-year-old son doesn't feel like having such a conversation?

In puberty, with the detachment from parents, the whole thing is different. In this phase, young people often feel permanently unhappy - with their bodies, in their relationship with their parents. They often want to be left alone, to be completely absorbed in their unhappiness - only to come out of the room an hour later feeling happy and changed.

But teenagers often blame their parents for their current misfortune. Along the lines of: «It's your fault! Because you won't let me go to the club, I don't have any friends!» How do you deal with such emotional outbursts?

As parents, it is important to remain calm and remember your own youth. After all, you may have blamed your parents, your teachers or the whole world for your misfortune. But mums and dads shouldn't give their children the feeling that they know everything better, but rather ask: «I don't realise how you're feeling right now. Can you help me understand you better?»

This gives the initiative back to the young people - which, in my experience, works particularly well with 12 to 16-year-olds. And always signalise: «If you want, you can talk to me at any time.» Even if young people don't come back to you, it gives them the important feeling of being accepted and understood.

Children are allowed to be unhappy. However, if they suffer permanently, we have to intervene.

And what happens when children or young people can no longer find their own way out of unhappy phases?

Then I have to intervene as a mum or dad. Because giving children the right to be unhappy is quite different from watching them suffer permanently.

But how do you recognise where the dividing line is between normal unhappiness and mental health problems?

This is often a balancing act. Especially during puberty, there are phases in which children are no longer so easy to reach. One sign that my child is not doing well can be sudden changes in behaviour: If they used to be cheerful and now hide away from me, are constantly sad or have frequent stomach aches or headaches. Or if they can no longer look forward to anything. In such cases, tangible encounters are needed.

What do you mean by that?

Parents should keep a sensitive eye on their child. So don't just look at whether they are talkative, but also pay attention to how they come out of school, how they sit when eating, how their body expressions are. At best, this will tell me whether it's something serious and whether they might need therapeutic help. Or whether it is just a pubertal transit phase and the child is constantly wavering between «I want to be alone - but not», «I want to be independent - but not». Parents who are sensitive to their children are best placed to judge this. Most of them succeed in doing so.

Back to the children who are only unhappy in phases. You are in favour of leaving more room for unhappiness in childhood and therefore advocate more fairy tales in the nursery. Why exactly?

Fairy tales are an important antithesis to the ideal world stories. This is because they express inner processes and conflicts that children often sense in themselves but are not yet able to express verbally. Almost all fairy tales begin with a misfortune: the ugly duckling has to leave home because his siblings throw him out. Cinderella is tormented by her half-siblings.

Children experience this in this way: Others are unhappy too, but everything turns out well in the end. In addition, boys and girls love fairy tales because they describe feelings that they are not allowed to show in their surroundings, such as hatred: in «Hansel and Gretel», for example, the witch ends up in the oven to everyone's satisfaction. And older children are also fascinated by the contrast between good and evil - it's not for nothing that «Harry Potter» is so successful.

However, while «Harry Potter» is indispensable, many parents shy away from reading fairy tales to their children.

That is true. Many people are probably afraid that children will identify with the cruel punishments. In fact, a five-year-old is delighted when the evil stepmother in the fairy tale is banished or dies - because children of this age have an archaic sense of justice. However, parents can use this as a hook to start a conversation («What other solutions would there be?»).

The heroes in fairy tales are strong. They can overcome the misfortune that befalls them.

Overall, fairy tales are very good examples of self-efficacy because their heroes are strong: Hansel and Gretel defeat the witch all by themselves. In this way, misfortune is portrayed in fairy tales as something that can be overcome.

In your book you write: «If parents take their child's unhappiness seriously, this is a sign of their own strength.» What do you mean by that?

Parents have to learn to a certain extent that children behave differently from themselves and thus set themselves apart from mum and dad. Only when children learn that their parents allow them to become independent do they really become independent. If this is not the case, children are much more likely to rebel. Strong parents are therefore parents who allow their children to break away from them and let them go their own way.

At the same time, they don't say: «That's it for parenting now!», but remain present. Who communicate to their offspring: «You can turn to us at any time», but without controlling them. For example, if my 17-year-old leaves the house at 10 p.m., I have to trust that he will take responsibility himself. Young people who don't feel controlled or watched also accept it when parents ask them the next day: «How was yesterday?»

In fact, parental happiness is very dependent on the child. Nothing makes us happier than when our own child is happy. Are we putting a burden on children?

Yes, if we make happiness absolute and do not allow unhappiness. In fact, children are very loyal to their parents and want them to be happy. If children experience that mum and dad take it to heart when they are unhappy, they respond to questions with «Everything is fine» - even if this is not true.

Children therefore start to pretend so as not to cause their parents any grief. However, the unhappiness then takes a diversion: the children hide inside themselves, don't let things out and find it difficult to communicate their emotions. They are often ill and sometimes develop depressive tenden cies. Later, in adult life, this behavioural structure often continues. This is why it is so important for children to be able to show their unhappiness.

Was it easier to be unhappy as a child and teenager in the past?

As mentioned at the beginning, we now live in a world in which being sad or unhappy is less of an issue than ever before. What's more, parents have also changed.

In what way? Were our parents better able to deal with unhappy children?

30 years ago, parents gave their children much more freedom. Children were outside all afternoon without mum or dad giving it a second thought. People didn't think much about happy or unhappy children. I don't want to glorify this time, there were also many downsides to parenting back then. But children definitely had more freedom. Above all, parents back then felt less guilty if their child wasn't doing so well. Because they took the attitude: «That's just the way it is in childhood.»

What is today's generation of parents afraid of?

Doing something wrong. Today, parents watch their child extremely closely. Even the slightest deviation from development unsettles them, whereupon mum and dad blame themselves and seek help. As a result, the five or six-year-old may be much more clingy again before starting school. However, no one needs to see a therapist because of this - it's completely normal. It helps to trust in the child's development.

How do parents overcome this fear?

Parents often react differently: the father, who is very worried and constantly worrying; the mother, who tends to be more reassuring, or vice versa. In the end, the two balance each other out again. It is good for children to feel different moods and to experience different ways of dealing with unhappiness.

However, if I as a mother or father experienced in my own childhood that I am not allowed to express my moods to my parents, I probably find it more difficult to accept the unhappiness of my own offspring.

Exactly. These parents must learn to trust their child and accept that different moods and crises are part of development. In turn, parental calmness also gives children strength: if they feel unhappy but sense that their parents are not taking it to heart, this is also transferred to the child.

It learns through this: «If mum and dad stay so relaxed, maybe I don't have to take it so seriously.» Conversely, if children experience that their unhappiness brings their parents down massively, their offspring's feeling of not being okay increases.

Can I raise my child to become a happy person?

I can at least create the conditions for this. In other words, I can make sure that children experience in their earliest childhood that their existential needs are taken into account - such as safety, security, recognition and resonance. If these stable foundations are created in early childhood, the child is securely attached and has confidence in itself and the world. This in turn is a good basis for experiencing happiness later on.