Five questions that help families immediately

Galileo Galilei once said: «Curiosity always comes first in a problem that needs to be solved.» But how do we and our children become curious in the face of crises and difficulties instead of being paralysed by them? Sometimes all it takes is the right question. In today's article, I would like to introduce you to five of my favourite questions that we can use to awaken our resilience and face life's big and small problems with creativity.

1. how would the «best version» of myself deal with this situation?

We all know those golden moments when we feel energised, when we are able to deal with the hustle and bustle of family life with ease and manage professional tasks with ease. Moments when we feel a little stronger, wiser and more confident than usual. We can awaken this same strength in challenging moments by asking ourselves: «How would my best self deal with this situation?»

How does this me formulate the uncomfortable email to our teenager's teacher? How does he react to the children who seem to be arguing all day today? How does it deal with the seemingly endless to-do list that is breathing down its neck? We immediately get an intuitive feeling of what this better version of ourselves would think, say and do - and this is an important step towards a solution.

2 What can I rely on when everything collapses?

In bed at night at the latest, the carousel of worries starts spinning for many people: The sixth-former wonders what will happen if she gets a bad grade. The teenager broods over his last comment on Insta. As parents, we wonder what the teacher will think of us if our child hasn't done their homework. Or we ponder why we weren't invited to a friend's birthday party. A good antidote to worry is certainty.

It's good to know that the essential things in life remain untouched by most everyday worries.

The certainty that there are people you can rely on; skills that you can fall back on even when worries materialise; and values that carry us through difficult times. It is good to know that the essential things in our lives remain untouched by the vast majority of everyday worries.

For example, a child deals differently with the anxiety of an exam if they can be sure that their parents will stand by them, regardless of their grade. Teenagers worry less about the opinions of their Insta friends if they know that their best friends accept them for who they are. And we parents are no longer so bothered by subliminal accusations about our parenting style if, for example, we realise: «Yes, we support our child's anger and don't expect them to «pull themselves together» - because this is in line with our values for respectful interaction.»

3. what do you need to ...?

Shortly after the birth of our second child, the older one had a brief phase in which he suddenly no longer wanted to go to daycare. Although he still seemed to be happy there during the day and always seemed very organised when we picked him up, he just found the transition in the morning really difficult. One morning I said to him: «It's really difficult for you to go today, isn't it? What would help you?» Nothing came at first.

Then I asked again: «What do you need to say goodbye to me?» - «Sit on the yellow digger in the garden (of the daycare centre)!» and «Take a balloon» were his answers. It's always amazing what children and young people come up with in response to the above question if you give them a little time.

My colleague Fabian Grolimund 's daughter, for example, said in first grade: «Dad, the maths problems are so difficult today that I can only do them if I can sit on your lap.» And siblings often respond better to the question «What do you need to get along again?» than to an appeal to stop getting angry.

4. has anyone I know ever had a similar problem - and what was helpful?

Many people still believe they have to solve their problems alone. They see seeking advice or help as a sign of weakness. But as soon as we put out feelers and realise: «I'm not alone with my difficulties!», a huge burden falls away from us. At the same time, we can tap into a rich pool of ideas and solution strategies - regardless of whether we tell our best friend, join a self-help group or discuss solutions to current problems within the class.

We have probably all experienced that a difficulty turns out to be a real opportunity.

Perhaps a classmate has a brilliant idea on how best to motivate yourself for your favourite subject. Or a work colleague on how to talk to your son about his excessive mobile phone use.

5. how could I turn this situation into something good?

It is essential for our mental health that we are also allowed to express unpleasant feelings. That's why I'm not a fan of confronting difficulties with blue-eyed positive thinking. Nevertheless, we have probably all experienced at some point that a difficulty, an unwanted change or an unpleasant experience can turn out to be a real opportunity over time.

Perhaps the separation has created space for a fulfilling partnership. Perhaps a supposed weakness has turned out to be a strength in a different context or a termination has enabled a professional reorientation.

Sometimes we manage to get out of our problem trance more quickly and activate our resources if we think: «What could I learn from this situation? What opportunities does it open up? And how can I make use of this problem?» I experienced this effect myself in a particularly impressive way when I was so weak in hospital for the first few days after a pregnancy with many complications and a caesarean section under general anaesthetic that I could hardly stand up.

It broke my heart that I couldn't look after our newborn baby myself. Instead, the midwife disappeared with my husband into the changing room on the ward. During this time, the thought gave me strength: «This will also free up space for a very intensive father-child relationship right from the start.» And so it was.