How parents form a strong team

For many families, it is a challenge to reconcile caring for their children, running the household, working and their own needs. The heavy workload often leads to discussions and arguments between the parents, which makes the situation even more difficult. It is not uncommon for the relationship to falter as a result.

On closer inspection, these disputes often revolve around a lack of agreements, mutual expectations and a squaring up of who has more to do. The desire for a fair division and relief in everyday life is omnipresent.

Mothers and fathers start working together as parents with unequal prior knowledge.

In our parents' generation, responsibilities were usually still clearly defined. In today's families, where both parents often work, the areas of responsibility are mixed up, making agreements and a division of responsibilities essential. For this to succeed, the parents must work well together as a team.

Parents are on their own

In the business world, teamwork is supported and encouraged. There are team meetings, team-building measures and team events. Guidelines are drawn up on how to work together as a team, responsibilities are determined and common goals are defined.

Parents, on the other hand, are left on their own with this task. What's more, in most cases, mum and dad start this collaboration with unequal prior knowledge. Fathers in Switzerland are given two weeks after the birth to familiarise themselves with the little one, the changed rhythm and the new life.

The mother has the feeling that she is responsible for everything and the father believes that he is not important.

The mother has at least three months and becomes an «expert child» during these weeks. She is with the baby day and night, learns to read and understand it and takes over the household as best she can during this time. After all, she is at home. The mother develops a head start over the father when it comes to handling and caring for the baby, and she also gets better and better at multitasking around the house. It is difficult to make up for this head start.

The woman as «boss of the family»

After maternity leave, many mothers return to paid employment. At this point at the latest, it would be important for the father to take over some of the care and support. But this step is often more difficult than expected. Suddenly, the tasks relating to the child and the household have to be divided up. However, previous knowledge, experience and ideas differ greatly. Misunderstandings and discussions often accompany this phase. It is not uncommon for one party to feel that they are not being taken seriously or are being ignored.

It may be that the mother remains responsible for the child or children and the household and the father assists her. The mother has the various tasks in her head and gives the father orders accordingly. This can work well for a while. However, the burden on the mother is very high and it is not uncommon for mental load to occur. The woman becomes the «boss of the family», but suffers from having to think of everything - especially if she is working «on the side».

Parents need to realise that there is a team level as well as a couple level.

This division of roles is not very fulfilling for the father either. This is because the couple is not on an equal footing and the relationship becomes unbalanced. The mother rightly feels that she is responsible for everything and the father thinks that he and his opinion are not important. Perhaps he keeps hearing that he is doing it wrong and withdraws.

Initiating change

It should be emphasised at this point that the process is simplified. The various developments are more complex and multi-layered and must be looked at individually for a more specific analysis. Each person has their own perception and each relationship has its own laws. Nevertheless, these stages are recognisable in many relationships and the themes are omnipresent.

The crucial question now is how the relationship can get out of this imbalance and how functioning teamwork as a couple can be achieved. This question usually only arises when at least one of the two parties is not satisfied with the current system. It is therefore important to take the time to make a change.

To make this possible, parents need to realise that there is a team level in addition to the couple level. It forms the basis, the factual level, so to speak, on which we work together. At the couple level, however, the relationship and feelings for each other take centre stage.

If you want to tackle the issues and conflicts surrounding the division of responsibilities, it is important to first assess the current situation together. We recommend a conversation in which the couple discusses the following questions: What is our system like at the moment? How are the responsibilities distributed? How do I feel about this? Would I or would we like to change something? What would happen if we didn't change anything?

Define values and goals

In addition to the conscious team level, a functioning team needs shared values and goals. In commercial organisations, these are usually clearly visible and predetermined. But what are our values and goals as parents? This question is not so easy to answer. It involves different levels and is based on our experiences and influences. Talking about what we want to achieve as parents is meaningful and creates a common focus.

In a functioning parent team, the tasks are divided fairly. There is no template for this.

What do we want our children to learn from us? What do we want our children to think about us in ten years' time ? What is important to us? What do we value? The answers to these questions lay the foundation for successful cooperation.

A common goal is one thing, the inner attitude of being just as responsible for family work as the partner is another. If there is any uncertainty on this point, it is advisable to address this topic first.

Fair is when both are satisfied

In a functioning parent team, the tasks and responsibilities are divided fairly. There is no template for this division. They vary from family to family and should be negotiated together. It is not necessary to compare the number of tasks or the amount of work involved on a one-to-one basis. It is fair if both parties are satisfied with the division.

If you want to determine whether tasks and work need to be redistributed, you need an overview of the current distribution. To do this, all the work that needs to be done in this small company is listed and assigned to the person who is responsible for it.

It is also crucial to differentiate between who is doing something and who is thinking about it.

Please note: Work outside the home, i.e. paid employment, must also be taken into account. Whoever is at home more, can also take on more proportionately. However, even if one parent is not in paid employment, the other parent must still do their share at home. After all, family and household are more than a 100 per cent workload.

The to-do list often turns out to be longer than expected, because we don't even realise that there is a lot of work to be done. For example, repair work in the household, contact with the school, organising gifts or completing tax returns are also tasks that should be acknowledged. It is also important to differentiate between who does something and who thinks about it. Sometimes it's not the same person.

«Dossier» handed over gently

This is followed by a discussion about which items on the list are consistent and which should be changed. Different levels need to be taken into account when redistributing responsibilities. For example, if it is decided that dad will now put the children to bed twice a week, the children must be involved in the process.

It is also helpful if the «dossier» is handed over piece by piece. Perhaps dad can take over the first part of the bedtime ritual in the first week. He can also deliberately organise this ritual differently so that the children notice that it is different now. He can then expand his part bit by bit until he can eventually take over the whole process.

Familiarising yourself with new areas and taking on new tasks takes time and benevolent support.

The crux of redistribution is mutual tolerance. Familiarising yourself with new areas and taking on «dossiers» takes time and benevolent support. It is also possible that the dossier will be continued differently. Tolerance is therefore a crucial foundation.

It is also highly recommended to set up fixed time slots for teamwork, for example weekly meetings. In these meetings, you can reflect on how things have gone over the last few days and agree on how things should be next week. Questions such as «What went well?» or «Where do we still need to make adjustments?» can guide us through these meetings.

Is there enough energy available?

In order to grow together as a team, both parents need sufficient energy. It is important to realise how you are feeling and to react accordingly. If you are at the limit, you have no capacity to show understanding for others. This means that your own state of mind and energy level must be included and taken into account when working as a team.

Perhaps one or other parent needs to be relieved before the process can begin at team level. It often takes time for yourself, exercise, moments in nature or hobbies to build up energy. After all, the children and the family can only be well if the parents are well.

It may also be that the couple's relationship is not stable enough to build a functioning team relationship. In this case, this is where we need to start, because the couple relationship is the foundation on which everything else is built.

This process can be tackled in pairs. However, it is advisable to monitor the progress. If the same arguments and disagreements occur again and again, external support is needed. This can take the form of a book, a podcast or a workshop. For more complex situations, counselling or therapy is a good option.

If this help is sought at a time when both parties are (still) committed to each other and want a change, the chances of finding a common path are good.