How do you stay calm in everyday family life?

Thick lumps of clay crumble from the dirty football boots onto the carpet. The eleven-year-old shuffles calmly into the living room. His mum shouts after him: «I don't think so now!» The junior under his headphones is shielded from the world and doesn't react. His mum drops onto the sofa in despair.

Of course we love our children, but that's exactly why they can really drive us up the wall. In the morning? A plea: more muesli, more milk! If the bowl is full, it remains untouched. Tidied up toys? Scattered around the flat again within milliseconds. Leave halfway on time? Bordering on a miracle.

Young children demand stress reduction: they seek physical closeness, stretch out their arms and want to be picked up.

It's like milking a mouse. To freak out. But that's exactly what you don't want. You want to be in control. But then you dawdle, moan, leave important things lying around or lose them, don't appreciate well-intentioned things, know everything better, shout angrily. The list goes on and on. How can a mum or dad keep calm?

Firstly, a fact to relieve ourselves: our uncontrolled outbursts and rants are a trick of nature. So that we don't have to think for long when the stress level rises, our brain resorts to strategies that require little mental effort. This ensures that we react quickly, not weighing up all the pros and cons first, but acting immediately. Only when the level of arousal drops is it possible to reactivate those areas that are responsible for making well-considered decisions. Remaining calm and level-headed in situations that make us furious is an ability that was not intended in evolutionary terms. There is simply a gap in the system. Of course, this is not an excuse for any fits of rage, but it does explain a lot.

The first three years of life are crucial

Even if we are not born with the ability to self-soothe, we are still able to learn the necessary tools to do so. Let's take a look back at our own history: as a child, we learned how self-soothing is exemplified in the family, how parents and other caregivers deal with stressful situations, and then tried to imitate this behaviour.

«The bonding experience in the first three years is important for successful self-soothing,» says German biologist and brain researcher Gerhard Roth, author and former director of the Institute for Brain Research in Bremen. «If the mother or another attachment figure provides support, security and comfort, children learn to calm themselves down and to trust themselves in this regard.» Young children literally demand stress reduction: they want to crawl onto your lap, seek physical closeness, stretch out their arms to be picked up. Sucking, twirling their hair, pulling at their clothes, rocking, talking to Punch and Judy are all initial behaviours that contribute to relaxation. We learn these behaviours throughout our lives. Even later on, we continue to observe exactly how friends, partners or colleagues deal with stress and learn a few things from them. We collect different mechanisms to get a grip on ourselves when things have gone wrong again.

Learn from professionals

Arguments in the family, conflicts with colleagues - there are plenty of situations in everyday life that are extremely demanding and yet require us to keep our adrenaline levels low; to ensure that they don't build up in the first place.

How do people who constantly have to deal with highly tense situations on the job deal with this? Doctors, emergency responders, firefighters? «We have learnt this specifically and have practised a precisely defined and well-trained thought and decision-making process,» says firefighter and crisis manager Christian Brauner. «First we record the problems, then we prioritise them and rank them accordingly. Then we weigh up possible solutions against each other. Finally, we communicate clearly and unambiguously who has to do what. This means: first understand, then decide, then act. We don't just go for it, but first do what is really important and urgent.»

First understand, then act

Applied to everyday family life, this would mean not immediately shouting at the sight of thick lumps of clay on the carpet. According to Brauner, the trick is to take the time to do the necessary mental work and then take appropriate action. For example: call your son back and tell him to take his shoes off. If he is old enough, ask him to pick up the lumps of dirt. If he is too young, he must at least be present and help out in an age-appropriate way. Then talk to him calmly about why it is important to you as a mum or dad to have a clean hallway and a clean home.

Self-calming coach Michaele Kundermann, who has her own practice near Frankfurt am Main, takes a similar view: «Our nervous system is in turmoil when we're stressed, and there's a great danger of shooting sparrows with a cannon and pointlessly burning up vast amounts of neuronal energy. That's no good - you wouldn't achieve a satisfactory result in complete turmoil.»

Step by step: How exercise gives us peace of mind

So when the blood starts to boil in your veins and you feel like you're on the verge of a tantrum, then, however difficult it may be, it's time to pause. And take a deep breath first. Psychologists recommend leaving the situation briefly if possible. If your partner is there, shout «You take over». Then walk up and down in another room, slowly taking one step in front of the other. Concentrate on your breathing without deliberately influencing it. Climbing stairs usually helps, or leaving the house altogether. It is important to focus your attention on the steps. All the anger and rage have not disappeared, but they have become weaker and no longer dominate us so strongly. Experts call this walking meditation.

Firstly, we need to do everything we can to ensure that we don't lose our cool. How can we do this? Focus on sensory impressions from our surroundings.

When the acute excitement has lost some of its force, you can try to remember what has gone well recently and think of the pleasant feelings associated with it. Even if your mood doesn't suddenly improve, you can realise that self-confidence and dejection, confidence and anger can exist side by side and are possible at the same time. At the very least, this visualisation helps to alleviate the excitement.

If it is not possible to leave the «theatre of war», the challenge is to endure the situation without reproach or self-reproach.

Stop negative thoughts

It is difficult, but effective, to recognise the external chaos and inner turmoil without judging it. Push away the thoughts of «That's not possible» or «Not again» and don't visualise how things should be now. This creates additional stress. For example: Can't leave on time right now? Damn. But the consequences are drawn later. First of all, we have to do everything we can to ensure that we don't lose our cool and minimise the damage caused by the delay.

Being fully present requires so much storage space in the brain that there is no room left for stressful experiences in the moment.

How can this be achieved? Focus on sensory impressions from my surroundings: three things I can see right now. Three things I can hear right now. Three things I can feel right now. This stops our thoughts. Being fully present requires so much storage space in the brain that there is no room left for the stressful experience of the moment. What also calms you down as a result: relaxing music, short, funny videos. Even playing Tetris directs the focus of attention to other things and reduces stress levels. This applies to anything that captivates our attention.

Prevention with meditation

So much for acute conflict situations - but how can you prevent yourself from flaring up? With meditation, for example. «It takes the edge off emotional arousal so that you don't slip into automatic behavioural patterns like a stimulus-response machine,» says psychologist Ulrich Ott, who researches the effects of meditation at the Bender Institute of Neuroimaging at the University of Giessen. When a person is more at peace with themselves, they are generally able to deal with unpleasant situations and discussions more calmly and do not allow themselves to be provoked or unsettled in the first place. Mental training also sharpens attention.

Meditators learn to observe and stop thoughts before they trigger bad feelings, Ott knows: «A gap is created in which I can ask myself: What do I perceive and how do I want to react to it?» Although the challenge of a firefighter on a large-scale operation cannot be compared with the sight of a devastated child's room, it can be helpful to use strategies from experts when the air is on fire again."

Discussing instead of repressing

This also includes not going through emotional hell alone. «If a situation overwhelms me,» says firefighter Brauner, «I say so openly straight away and get support. Which is also essential: After every deployment, even the smallest one, there is a debriefing: what can we learn from the deployment? What went well?» Stressful situations should not be left unresolved or quickly suppressed, but should be resolved by talking to your partner or friends so that you are better prepared for the next time. After all, there is usually a next time - which should not be seen as a threat, but as an invitation to take precautions.

If there has once again been cause for anger and annoyance with the offspring, the family council should meet if possible. Perhaps you can gain some inner distance from the situation: Is it age-appropriate what I just asked for? Is establishing order really that important? Is it about order or is there something else behind it? Am I perhaps irritable because I have too much on my plate, so that the children are the cause of my tirades and not the reason for them?

We often have the feeling that we are missing out in our stressful everyday lives. But there are always ways to create little islands for ourselves and take better care of ourselves.

This article first appeared in Eltern family 10/2020.