How do we prepare our daughter for her first menses?

Imagine, dear mum, that you were really looking forward to your first menstruation. With a laughing heart and a warm feeling in your tummy. You would have been full of pride at your first period and your mother, grandmother, aunts and godmother, your father and your brothers would have warmly welcomed you into your new phase of life as a young woman.

You've probably never experienced it like this. Women's minds harbour completely different, often shameful images of the first bleeding.

Menstruation is the most natural thing in the world. Without menstruation, no human being. We all exist because our mothers had a cycle. You now have a daughter yourself and, as a mum and dad, you wish that things were somehow more open and that any brothers could also experience their sister's first menses as something festive. But how?

How and when is the best time to talk about it? How do we realise that it could start soon? Which hygiene products are particularly suitable for young women and does my daughter need to see a gynaecologist after her first period?

Parents as guides

Imagine, dear father, the following scene: Your partner is on her period, lying cosily on the sofa with a hot water bottle on her stomach, wrapped in a fluffy blanket. Her five-year-old daughter cuddles up to her. Her eight-year-old son brings her a hot cup of tea.

You're in the kitchen cooking for your loved ones. You know that your partner likes it quiet these days and is slowing down the family's everyday pace. You really appreciate that. After all, breaks in hectic family life are good for everyone.

Does this sound like science fiction to you, but you like this vision? Then discuss it with your partner and talk to other fathers too ! Your openness and curiosity will set an important course for your daughter and your son.

«It's worthwhile for the whole family if the mother reflects on her own menstruation, involves her partner and both look together for solutions on how to organise everyday family life during these days. In this way, they give their children a positive perception of menstruation,» says Josianne Hosner, 41.

The cycle mentor and author has already helped over 900 women in her courses to develop a better and more mindful understanding of their cycle.

Education starts with the very young

There is a time in life when toddlers accompany us everywhere. Even in the bathroom. It goes without saying that the child will see you doing small or big business.

So why not change your pad, tampon or menstrual cup in front of curious children's eyes? You are showing that this is a completely natural process that is part of a woman's life.

If your toddler wants to know what exactly is happening, Josianne Hosner says that an age-appropriate explanation could look like this: «There is a little cave in my tummy, the womb. That was also your cave when you were growing inside me. It's all cosy and soft and red. Once a month, the cave cleans itself so that it's cosy again.»

Many small conversations are more sustainable

Menarche, as the first menstruation is technically known, usually occurs between the ages of 10 and 16. The average age is around 13 years.

Josianne Hosner's experience shows that many small conversations spread over the years are more sustainable than a single long conversation shortly before the first bleeding. She finds that girls between the ages of seven and ten are usually very open. «They're curious and pretty light-hearted about the topic.»

In her menstruation courses for girls, she utilises this light-heartedness and lets the participants place a tampon in water and watch it soak in, for example. Or they create a vulva out of modelling clay. «They find both of these things totally exciting and they ask their questions completely uninhibitedly.»

One of the cycle mentor's main concerns is that parents use the words menstruation, uterus, vagina or vulva in their children's vocabulary from a very early age. «This helps them to develop self-confidence and a good relationship with their body.»

A big change for parents too

As a mother, do you still remember the great metamorphosis of your little girl's body before the onset of her first period? As a father, are you amazed and perhaps a little wistful at how your little girl is gradually changing?

Do you find these changes easy as a parent or do you struggle with them? Understanding and a lot of patience with the fickle teenager and also with yourself can defuse a lot of things.

How the menarche announces itself

Let's visualise what's happening: Suddenly the sweat smells. The delicate down of intimate and underarm hair becomes thicker and frizzier.

It is part of the process of cutting the cord that girls now withdraw when showering, close the bathroom door and develop a certain shyness. They no longer want to show themselves naked for a while.

The breast buds are pimple-hard at the beginning and can really hurt. Fat accumulates on the hips, thighs, bum and stomach. The whole body becomes rounder and the mood fluctuates between elation and depression.

«Menstruation begins when a girl's body is ready and has enough fat for a possible pregnancy,» says Birgit Link. The 47-year-old gynaecologist has been working in a group practice in Zurich for many years.

An important indication is the preceding discharge. This starts at least six months before the first menstruation, but can also occur several years before. «The discharge is white and transparent and should not smell. If it is greenish or smells really bad, it should be checked by a specialist,» explains Birgit Link.

Another rule of thumb can be derived from the development of the breasts: «The first menstruation usually occurs one and a half to three years after breast bud formation. However, this varies from girl to girl,» says the gynaecologist.

The menstrual cycle stabilises individually

The path to regular menstruation is just as varied. «There are girls who have a regular cycle right from the start. Others need two years,» says Birgit Link.

Irregular menstruation can be caused by stress, a lot of sport or a very slim physique.

Severe pain requires a specialist

The first menstruation is no reason to see a gynaecologist. «A consultation makes sense if the girl is experiencing severe pain or has not yet started menstruating at the age of 16,» says Birgit Link.

Most young women go to her when it comes to contraception. «It is important that girls know that they are fertile immediately before their first period, as this is preceded by ovulation. So always use a condom during sex to avoid getting pregnant, even if she hasn't had her period yet. And, of course, to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases.»

Her experience shows that the majority of young women experience pain-free menstruation. «Around a third feel pain. In three to five per cent, the pain is so severe that some girls faint. It's essential to look at this and treat it.»

Book tips:

Blog & podcast tips

• The vision of www.erdbeerwoche.com is to enable all girls and women to deal with their cycle/body in a self-determined and respectful way and to anchor menstruation in our society as something natural.
• Do you have heavy periods? You can find numerous blog posts about this here: www.starke-regelblutung.ch
• Podcast by Lena Lange on Spotify: Wild femininity, episode 1: Why your menstrual cycle is a gift. Listen to the podcast here.

Gift ideas for menarche

With the exception of confirmation in the Reformed Church, we have no rituals in our society that visualise and celebrate the transition from childhood to adulthood. A menarche celebration would be a wonderful opportunity to change this.

However, as we are entering new cultural territory here, this requires a lot of sensitivity from parents. You and, above all, your daughter must be comfortable with it and it will only work if your child wants it.

The age of the first menstruation also plays a role: girls aged ten have different needs and desires than a 15-year-old.

A menarche celebration can take place on a very small scale with the closest family members, a few friends or as a big party. With or without a party, you can always give something as a gift.

How about, for example, an announced treasure chest that you fill with small gifts over the years and present to your daughter on the day of her menarche? Here are a few ideas from Josianne Hosner's book «Back to the roots».

It is also a nice gesture if the father gives his daughter something, for example a bouquet of flowers, a bracelet, a letter or simply a father-daughter trip to the countryside or to a concert.

By not simply ignoring your daughter's menarche, but appreciating it, you as parents are helping to remove the taboos surrounding menstruation at a family and social level, making it acceptable and, yes, celebrating it. Wouldn't that be great? Let's get started!

Mens hygiene articles at a glance:

Ecological disposable pads and tampons

Unlike conventional products, they do not contain any harmful ingredients, plasticisers or synthetic perfumes. It is worth taking a close look here, as pads, like tampons, come into direct contact with the mucous membrane. Ecological disposable pads and tampons are now offered by many manufacturers, are available in supermarkets and cost between three and seven francs per pack.

Cotton bandages

Made of washable organic cotton, in various colours and sizes. The pads do not need to be washed by hand. Simply leave to air dry and add to the next 60 degree wash. Good to know: Blood only smells bad in the context of synthetic underwear or plasticised pads. Otherwise not! Cotton pads are available in various online shops and cost between 10 and 20 francs.

Menstrual underwear

A great alternative for young girls! They look like normal pants and hold the blood volume of one to three tampons. They are available in different models and with different absorbencies. They are ideal as a back-up if you don't yet know exactly whether your pads will be enough or if you are worried about leaking. Menstrual pants are available in various online shops and cost between 30 and 40 francs.

Menstrual cup

It is inserted vaginally, attaches directly to the cervix and collects the blood. When the cup is full, the blood simply runs out. It can also be inserted overnight without any problems. Over time, you will develop a feeling for the full cup. They are available in different models and sizes. It's worth getting good advice, because not every cup suits every woman! The men's cup takes some practice and is not suitable for girls to start with. But it's good to know that they are available for later! In the long term, along with the menstrual sponge, it is the most cost-effective and environmentally friendly menstrual product. The menstrual cup is now also available in supermarkets. It costs between 15 and 70 francs in Switzerland (tip: expensive does not automatically mean better) and lasts for several years.

Menstrual sponges

The sponge is wetted with lukewarm water and inserted vaginally. Lukewarm vinegar water is suitable for cleaning. It takes some practice and the use of the pelvic floor muscles to get the sponge out of the body again. A tear-proof string can be attached to it to help. Unlike the plastic menstrual cup, this is a purely natural product. The sponge is an animal and therefore not suitable for vegans. Menstrual sponges are now available in supermarkets, cost around three francs and last for several years.