«Because jealousy is not taboo for us, we quickly find undramatic solutions»
Selina Meyer, 33, and Mirco Marti, 40, live in Solothurn. The special needs teacher and the self-employed plasterer have two daughters and a son together. Between Lilly, 9, Nola, 6, and Diego, 2, there are always turf wars. The parents also admit to sometimes being jealous of the other's role.
«Shortly before Christmas, Lilly, our eldest, expressed a wish: she wanted to be an only child from now on. If her younger sister and little brother were simply "gone», we as parents would have more time for her. We parents took this with humour and laughed. Then we reminded her of what it was like when we were in quarantine as a family during Covid-19. «That's right,» she remembered, «without Nola and Diego, I wouldn't have been able to play with anyone.» But that would have been boring, so she finally came to the conclusion that she'd rather have siblings.
This development is relatively new and only came about when Diego became mobile. Immediately after his birth, his two older sisters simply adored him. Now, however, he is interested in their toys and although he is very careful, he sometimes breaks things. Then it can happen that Lilly, who is very temperamental anyway, grabs him and scolds him. We then intervene, but don't reprimand them. We help them to find solutions.
Our approach is to take into account the different needs in the family. We don't believe in levelling down.
As the youngest, Diego naturally gets more support, sometimes even at times when his sisters crave attention. Then a squeeze of fruit is enough to change the mood. Cuddling and putting him to bed are also sticking points that can lead to jealousy. Nola slept with us for a very long time. But with four of us, it just gets quite cramped in a 1.80 metre bed. We solved the problem by adding a canopy to her bed. We also have a mattress in our bedroom that she can move to at any time.
Our approach is to take into account the different needs within our family. We don't believe in egalitarianism. Sometimes one of us parents is jealous because the other gets more feedback from the children or because one of us has had more free time. Then it can help if you as a parent have some quality time with a child. Or a very short break and a hot shower in peace.
We have both realised that it is often not useful to take ad hoc measures or threaten consequences. As parents, we also need a moment to understand why a child is jealous, aggressive or offended. Why does one hit the other on the head? Or breaks a toy? We then say: «Stop. That stops now. We'll talk about it later and think about what to do.» Taking a deep breath first is a popular method for us."
