«You're going out now until you've calmed down»

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Time and again, parents and teachers experience situations in which children and young people, from the point of view of adults, «blow up and freak out over little things» and «can't deal with frustration at all». And time and again, a simple educational tool is propagated in such situations: time-out. But do children learn to deal with their feelings if we leave them alone or deliberately ignore them?

Stefanie Rietzler, psychologist and author of the article, has the following tip:

• More helpful than a time-out for children is a person who helps them to regulate their emotions. This takes time, is exhausting and difficult to implement, especially at school - but it's worth it!

Read the full article to find out how parents and teachers can help children and young people deal better with their negative feelings in everyday family and school life.

The girl's eyes narrow to slits. «If you give me such a difficult task again ... then ... then!» She smashes her glass of water on the tabletop with a bang. The third-grader is with me for a diagnostic session. Fifteen minutes ago, we were happily playing Uno, now the air seems to be crackling. «Everything is just getting too much for you,» I say. Tears well up in her eyes. «I. HATE. TASKS. SOLVE,» she screams. The girl jumps up in one movement, wipes the material off the table and rushes into the doll's corner.

Time and again, parents and teachers tell me about similar situations, about children and young people who «blow up and go berserk» over supposedly «little things» and «can't deal with frustration at all».

And time and again, a simple educational tool is propagated in such situations: time-out.

The child should learn to calm themselves down

The method originates from behavioural therapy: by no longer turning towards the child, systematically ignoring it or sending it to another room, the child should realise, among other things, that its outburst of anger «doesn't help».

Over time, children should learn to calm themselves down and behave more «appropriately».

Do children learn to deal with their feelings when we leave them alone or deliberately ignore them? Wendy Middlemiss, a psychologist at the University of North Texas, wanted to find out exactly. In a study, she had mothers put their babies to bed at night.

Anger shows us and those around us that someone is overstepping our personal boundaries or preventing us from achieving a goal that is important to us.

The crying was ignored. The babies were taught to calm themselves down and fall asleep on their own. By the third day, the babies had already stopped crying and found their own way to sleep.

However, the researchers also measured the stress hormone cortisol in the children's saliva. This showed that the infants only appeared calm on the outside, but were very stressed on the inside. The cortisol level was not only elevated before falling asleep, but also during sleep.

This result underlines the thesis of many attachment researchers: infants do not learn to calm themselves. They learn that no one will come to their aid in times of need anyway and that they cannot fully rely on their caregiver.

Time-outs follow a similar logic: the child's «undesirable behaviour» should be «deleted». Such programmes always harbour the danger that we adults fail to look for the good reason for the children's feelings and behaviour.

And that although they seem to work on the outside, the child merely learns to stop showing its feelings.

If we are taught to suppress certain feelings in childhood, it becomes difficult. Anger, for example, indicates to us and those around us that someone is overstepping our personal boundaries or preventing us from achieving a goal that is important to us.

If we forget to listen to what our feelings are trying to tell us, then:

• verharren wir eher in Situationen, die uns langfristig nicht guttun,
• verlieren wir die Energie, eigene Grenzen zu setzen und für diese einzustehen,
• entwickeln wir keine Wege, um konstruktiv mit diesen Empfindungen umzugehen.

Anger often finds its own way as a result, affecting the body (heart problems, circulatory problems, tension) or discharging itself on people who are not responsible for it.

A time-out as a breather, not as a punishment

While babies and toddlers cannot be left alone with their feelings, older children and adolescents are sometimes happy to be allowed to withdraw from a situation that is overstimulating or overwhelming them.

Then a breather can do them good - but only if it is not a punishment, but a support.

More helpful than a time-out for children is a person who helps them to regulate their emotions.

I remember a teacher talking to a 13-year-old about the reasons for his aggression and making the following suggestion: «I have the feeling that sometimes everything goes over your head ...» «Yes.»

«Sometimes it helps me if I can take a moment for myself: go out, take a deep breath, move around a bit. Would that be something for you too?» From then on, both the teacher and the young person were free to signal with a hand signal that a short «cool-down phase» would now be useful for the pupil.

However, it is much more helpful for children to have someone to help them regulate their emotions than a time-out. We can put the child's feelings into words, perhaps simply be there and endure the frustration together with them.

Once the child has calmed down a little, we can talk about what was going on, what the child needs, what options are available - and what we would like them to do.

This takes time, is exhausting and difficult to implement, especially at school - but it's worth it!

Whether you accompany a child in their frustration or allow them to withdraw: The important thing is the attitude behind it: Your feelings are okay - it's important to me that you find good ways to deal with them. Even if you get angry, I'm on your side and there for you.

Seeing the little person in his need

That morning, as I sit down next to the third-grader who has buried her head in her arms and is refusing to move, a colleague's advice echoes in my head: "You have to see this little person who is raging in his distress.

If you think: He's trying to annoy me, he's testing my limits, you feel manipulated and get angry yourself. It's better to say to yourself: This child is overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do."

So I take a deep breath and whisper to the girl: «You're really angry right now, aren't you?» No response. «I can understand why you'd like to stop. The tasks are really tricky ...» «Then why are you giving them to me?» she hisses from behind her hair curtain. «Because I'm interested in what you can already do - and because I trust you to do them.» Silence.

A little later, the girl lifts her head. «Do you think we can carry on?» She shrugs her shoulders. «What would help you get back on?» Her hand grabs a small cuddly mouse. «Would you like it to join us?» The girl nods - and goes back to her seat.