«You just have to believe in yourself!»

When children say things like «I can't do it» or «I'm so stupid», our inner alarm system quickly goes off as adults. After all, we want our children to be confident, develop self-confidence and a healthy sense of self-worth.

And research actually shows that it is helpful to have an optimistic outlook on the world. People who like themselves and have confidence in themselves feel better, tackle challenges with more vigour and usually also feel more relaxed when dealing with other people. But how can we give a child a more positive outlook?

Positive affirmations seem to have a particularly positive effect when someone is already rather optimistic in advance.

The solution seems simple: the child simply has to learn to think positively! The tool of choice for many parents and teachers is positive affirmations. There are plenty of beautifully designed cards, posters and much more for sale on the internet. But can we really increase our self-esteem and self-efficacy if we read cards with affirmations such as «I am brave», «I am clever», «I am beautiful» over and over again or recite them to ourselves like a mantra?

Different effects of positive affirmations

This is exactly what Joanne Wood and her colleagues from the University of Waterloo in Canada (2009) wanted to know. Theyinvestigated how people's mood and self-image are affected when they use positive affirmations.

All test subjects first had their self-esteem measured using a questionnaire. They then read affirmations such as «I am lovable». This showed that some test subjects actually felt a positive effect. They felt better in the short term after reading the affirmations.

If the affirmation does not match our self-image, it feels like we are lying to ourselves.

However, this was only the case for test subjects who already had a high level of self-confidence. The opposite occurred in people with low self-esteem: Not only did their mood deteriorate, but the feelings they had towards themselves also became more negative.

A study by Renee Engeln and Megan Imundo (2020) came to a similar conclusion. In their study, young women were asked to repeat the affirmation «I love my body» several times in their minds while writing a text. The affirmation led to the women having to think significantly more often about things that bothered them about their bodies.

Additional stress

Although affirmations have not yet been well researched, the following picture tends to emerge: positive affirmations such as «I can do it!» seem to have positive effects, especially if someone is already rather optimistic in advance and has a high level of self-efficacy.

However, there is evidence that they can make people with self-doubt even more insecure. They almost desperately suggest to themselves «I can achieve anything!» or «I am lovable» and get into an inner conflict: the statement doesn't match their self-image, it feels like they are lying to themselves, which increases their stress levels.

At the same time, the frequent recitation of affirmations leads you to think more about the relevant area. If you keep saying «I love my body» to yourself, you will become increasingly preoccupied with your appearance. If we are unhappy with it, we will almost automatically think about many aspects that bother us.

Time for a self-experiment

Perhaps you would like to try it out for yourself? Read the following affirmations and see what happens: «I am up to almost any challenge.» - «I am lovable.» - «I love my body.» Pay attention to the following: How much would you have agreed with this statement beforehand? And how does it feel to read the affirmation?

You will probably notice that the sooner you can affirm the statement internally, the more positive the effect. You read the affirmation, feel confirmed and are perhaps grateful for a moment that this is the case.

We could connect with our values and ask ourselves what is really important to us in our lives.

But what if you perceive yourself differently? Then the statement will probably not help you to change your point of view. Instead, you will feel an inner resistance and you will think of examples and experiences that contradict this.

Some proponents of positive affirmations assume that this is a question of time: if the positive affirmations were recited over weeks and months, the doubts would disappear over time and the affirmations would seep into the subconscious. Unfortunately, I was unable to find a study on such long-term experiments. However, there are many other ways to help children and adolescents develop more helpful beliefs that, according to science, actually lead to positive effects.

More acceptance can help

In the cognitive restructuring therapy method, people scrutinise their thoughts: «Is this thought good for me? Is it even true? And suppose what I fear were to actually happen: How bad would that really be?»

In this way, a young person can realise that the sentence «I can't do it anyway!» is just as wrong as the positive affirmation «I can definitely do it!». She could formulate a realistic but helpful sentence such as: «If I study for the exam today, it is more likely that I will pass it.» At the same time, she could realise that failure is not the end of the world: «If I don't make it, I'll be disappointed. But my parents and friends would comfort me.»

Methods that help us to face our own worries and feelings with more self-compassion and acceptance have also proven to be helpful. Instead of reciting the positive affirmation «I have a beautiful body», we could realise that almost nobody is one hundred percent satisfied with their appearance.

We could connect with our values and ask ourselves what is really important to us in our lives. Perhaps we come to the conclusion: «Yes, there are a few things that bother me about my body. And everyone in my circle of friends feels the same way. No matter what I do, I will never be completely satisfied. And there are so many things that are more important to me than a perfect body.»

Last but not least, gratitude exercises can also help us to adopt a more positive outlook. Instead of convincing ourselves that everything is perfect, we realise that there are many beautiful and valuable things in our lives that we can enjoy. The more we see and appreciate these aspects, the easier it is for us to cope when things are not quite as we would like them to be.