Last summer at the swimming pool. A conversation with my four-year-old. «Can I have an ice cream?» – «You already had one at home at lunchtime.» – «Oh please, Elias's having one too.» – «But you said you wanted to eat your ice cream at home today.» – «If I don't get an ice cream, I'll get angry.» – «I can understand that you'd like another ice cream. But I'm still not buying you one.» – «Then I'll just take the money myself.» – «No, the money belongs to me.» – «You're a silly mum.»
Mum looks disappointed. Her son changes his tactics and comes over for a cuddle. «You're the best mum in the world.» A brief lull. «Can we go and buy an ice cream now?»
Children are highly skilled at negotiating from a very young age. «Even before they can speak, they show physical resistance when they don't understand something or have a different opinion,» says Sebastian Engelmann, an educational scientist at the Karlsruhe University of Education.
They turn away when you put a nappy on them. They cry when they're put to bed on their own. Later, the questions start, especially one: Why? Why do you have to put a jacket on when it's raining? Why brush your teeth? Why work? Why put your mobile away after half an hour? And why can't you eat as much ice cream as you like?
A boomerang effect
«Children are unfamiliar with the world into which they are born. And even we adults often find that we don't have a good answer as to why we do things the way we do, or why we forbid certain things,» says Sebastian Engelmann.
Historically speaking, people didn't really engage in much discussion with children in the past either. The balance of power was clear: adults were in charge, and children obeyed because of the authority dynamic – not because the adults had better arguments.
For parents, it's a delicate balancing act to take their child seriously whilst staying true to their own values.
Birgit Ertl, educationalist
«The way we interact with children has changed over time. We take them seriously as conversation partners and know that this helps to boost their self-esteem and self-confidence,» says Sebastian Engelmann.
What's more, many parents today explain to their children why they do this or that in a particular way. «Children naturally pick this up. So, in a way, they also learn to argue using reasoning from adults,» says educationalist Birgit Ertl, who runs a practice in Stuttgart focusing on humanity in education and relationships.
Living up to our responsibilities
Nevertheless, discussions with most children are considerably more challenging than those with many adults. «Children haven't yet learnt where their boundaries lie,» says Sebastian Engelmann. What's more, it takes years for them to learn to put themselves in the other person's shoes and take their perspective and arguments into account – a crucial factor in ensuring that both parties feel taken seriously during a negotiation.
This can sometimes make parents feel that their arguments simply aren't getting through to their child – yet the child is probably hearing them, but is not yet able to weigh them up properly against their own point of view. This, in turn, gives children a strong belief that they will succeed in getting their way. One often gets the impression that a «no» is just the start of the real haggling.
«For parents, it's a balancing act: taking their child seriously whilst also fulfilling their responsibilities as parents and staying true to their own values,» says Birgit Ertl.
If there isn't enough time or space for a detailed discussion, it is always perfectly acceptable to postpone it until another time. «This gives parents the chance to reconsider their position,» says Birgit Ertl. And some issues resolve themselves in this way, because by the evening the child no longer cares so much about understanding why they didn't get a second ice cream.
Practise reasoning logically
«I've noticed that many parents these days try to explain everything as far as possible using rational arguments. But it's also perfectly fine to sometimes just do things the way you do them based on your instincts and experience,» says Birgit Ertl.
This allows you to signal to the child that, whilst you understand their wish, you are not going to change your own stance. «Part of children's social learning involves not only being able to express their own opinions, but also being able to cope when things turn out differently anyway,» emphasises Birgit Ertl.
Adults can learn a lot from children when it comes to negotiation: acting without fear, remaining flexible, and relying on emotions.
By the time they start school at the latest – and often as early as nursery – children are expected to be able to engage in a sensible exchange of views. «But they can only do that if you practise it with them at home,» says Sebastian Engelmann.
This is hugely challenging for parents. «At the same time, however, it also shows that children are genuinely interested in our views; otherwise, they wouldn't even engage in conversation in the first place,» says Sebastian Engelmann.
From one strategy to the next
There is another benefit that parents can gain from these discussions. «We can learn a great deal from the way children negotiate,» says Ulrike Knauer, who works as a trainer in negotiation psychology, amongst other things. «Unlike many adults, children aren't afraid at all of making mistakes when negotiating . So they simply try things out.»
They throw themselves on the floor, sit on your lap, or first help out with the housework, lobby you («But Mummy said it was OK, Daddy»), or call their siblings for help. If one strategy doesn't work, they can easily switch to the next one.
«Adults, on the other hand, are often very set in their ways and, particularly in stressful situations, are only able to employ a single strategy,» says Ulrike Knauer. As a result, in salary negotiations they tend to rely solely on applying pressure, making concessions, evading the issue, or adopting a collaborative approach – rather than adapting their strategy depending on how the conversation unfolds.
What's more, adults tend to rely very pragmatically on figures, data and facts. «Children, on the other hand, throw all their emotions into it,» says Ulrike Knauer. And ultimately, she argues, this is precisely the decisive factor in successful negotiation: maintaining a positive and personal rapport.
After all, children know full well who's in charge in the end – and they negotiate directly with the person who makes the decisions. Given that in most cases this is the parents, they can take this as a compliment.
