Who is best at what?

As a child, I wanted to be like my cousin. She had great hair, a cool room, fashionable clothes and feminine curves. When I saw her, I was often overcome with an agonising jealousy. Why did I feel that way back then? And how do children and young people feel today when they compare themselves not only with cousins and neighbours' children, but with influencers all over the world?

Call to Katja Corcoran, Professor of Social Psychology at the University of Graz. She conducts research into social comparisons and clears up a misconception right at the start of our phone call: comparing ourselves with others is not harmful per se. By comparing ourselves, we get to know our environment and ourselves, she says. For children, this starts at the age of one or two.

We tend to compare ourselves with people who are slightly better than us.

Katja Corcoran, social psychologist

Develop a realistic self-image

According to Corcoran, whether social comparison motivates and inspires us or makes us envious and discouraged depends on how we see ourselves and what we believe we are capable of. But the environment - such as a competitive industry or class community - also plays a role.

Young people compare themselves particularly strongly because they do not yet have a solidified self-image. They are therefore even more dependent than adults on comparing themselves with others in order to develop a realistic self-image. Through comparisons, they find out what talents they have and what challenges are feasible for them.

Katja Corcoran says: «We tend to compare ourselves with people who are slightly better than us.» Probably because this motivates us and we want to emulate someone. On the other hand, we avoid comparing ourselves with people whose talent, looks, intellect or wealth are beyond our capabilities. This happens more or less unconsciously. But apparently this mechanism works less well on social media.

Stefanie Schmidt, Professor of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology at the University of Bern, confirms this. She says: «On social media, young people compare themselves with people who are very far removed from them. This often leads to a devaluation of their own person, because they don't see the similarities, but only the differences.»

The comparison on social media

Researchers agree that people who spend a lot of time on social media are more mentally stressed than others. The causality is unclear. Do people become depressed because of social media or are they on social media more often because they are not feeling well?

A study by the Leibniz Institute for Human Development in Frankfurt am Main has now shown that it is upward comparisons in social media that affect children and young people's self-esteem. Even if the researchers admit that further studies are needed to substantiate the results and better understand the correlations.

But you can also observe the effect on yourself: When I see on Instagram that people who studied with me are making great films, I'm happy, but I also ask myself why it's not me who is making these great films. This puts me in a bad mood - usually with a certain delay.

Fortunately, we get better at regulating our emotions as we get older, says Katja Corcoran. «Adults also feel envy, but they are better able to categorise this emotion and put it into perspective with rational arguments.» So I can make myself aware that making films also involves a lot of stress and work, and that I prefer my decelerated everyday life.

Girls are more susceptible

But rationalising your own feelings takes energy and not everyone succeeds equally well. Adolescents are more likely to fall into a negative spiral because their emotional regulation is not yet fully developed. It is also easier for adults to avoid social media, whereas children and young people spend part of their real social life on these channels.

Stefanie Schmidt finds it worrying that psychological stress has increased among young people in general, but especially among young women. In science, it is assumed that young women compare themselves more, including on social media, says the professor. For example, studies show that girls spend more time on social media than boys, who in turn spend more time gaming. This is presumably because social relationships are more important to girls.

Girls often rate themselves worse than they are. Boys are more realistic or overestimate themselves.

Philipp Bucher, lecturer in school and teaching development

But perhaps girls are also more likely to seek social comparison because their self-image is less precise than that of boys. At least that seems to be the case with school performance. «Girls often judge their performance to be worse than it actually is, whereas boys' judgements are more in line with reality or their own abilities are overestimated,» says Philipp Bucher, lecturer in school and teaching development at the FHNW University of Teacher Education, about social comparison at school.

In addition, girls tend to be praised by teachers for diligence and effort, while boys are labelled «gifted» for the same performance. This makes it difficult for girls to assess themselves reliably.

Unfortunately, social media is particularly poorly suited to developing a realistic self-image. Stefanie Schmidt advises talking to young people about the fact that people only ever present a favourable image of themselves on social media and never a realistic one. And, of course, it is also a good idea to limit the use of social media.

Sheet music - not a suitable instrument

I recently asked my cousin's son (yes, that's right: the same cousin) how he liked secondary school. He immediately corrected me by saying that he was going to secondary school and added in advance that he was stupid. And no, he didn't like it at school.

If a performance is graded and put in relation to the rest of the class, this is demotivating for all those who perform poorly in comparison. However, this does not mean that they are actually bad. Philipp Bucher says it would be more helpful if the teacher gave the pupils other benchmarks for comparison. For example: Have I improved within a certain period of time? What am I already good at? What can I still improve?

Bucher also emphasises that it has far-reaching consequences if a child perceives themselves as incapable - or «stupid», as my cousin's son says - at school. Perhaps this person will underestimate their intellectual abilities for the rest of their life and have little confidence in themselves.

Conversely, those who are comparatively good develop a positive self-concept, which further favours good performance and good grades. This increases the chances of a successful career and a high salary, which in turn has a positive effect on life expectancy.

A diverse environment helps

Many educators take a critical view of the constant assessment of children and young people. First and foremost the university lecturer and secondary school teacher Philippe Wampfler, who argues in his book «A school without grades» that grades hinder motivation to learn. Wampfler says: «Learning is human and learning is easy.» But learning is also a dynamic and complex process that cannot simply be reduced to a grade, according to the educationalist. One could also ask: Why should pupils be encouraged to compare themselves on the basis of a number that only inadequately reflects their competences?

Wampfler's arguments make sense. But won't there always be children who perform worse or even miserably compared to their peers? And won't these children realise, even without grades, that the person sitting next to them understands the tasks while they don't?

Youth psychologist Stefanie Schmidt says: «The more diverse the environment, the more likely there is to be a realistic and constructive comparison.» If there are different people with different talents, interests and preferences in a village, a neighbourhood, a class or at a school, then there is the greatest chance that I will find someone with whom I don't have to shy away from comparison.

It can be helpful here if parents and teachers encourage the children to take part in different school and social activities so that they come into contact with different people and topics. In this way, self-esteem is spread across different areas and becomes more stable.

Parents pass on the pressure

Pupils today have perfectionist expectations, says Stefanie Schmidt, referring to a British meta-study that shows that the pressure to perform has risen continuously over the last thirty years among learners in the USA, Canada and the UK. In the perception of young people, it is their parents who have high expectations. A study by Pro Juventute on children's and young people's perception of stress shows a similar result.

Mothers and fathers are obviously putting more pressure on their children today. However, parents are not a group that is detached from society, but rather reflect the development of society as a whole towards self-optimisation and perfectionism.

Parents also have unrealistically high expectations of themselves. They want to accompany their children lovingly, but also set them boundaries, encourage them but not overburden them, while also pursuing their own careers and having as fulfilling a social and relationship life as possible. And of course, parents are constantly comparing themselves and their children! After all, they want to learn from each other, but there is always a bit of worry involved: Is their own child healthy, social, skilful, intelligent and happy enough?

What a child really needs to be happy in life

Stefanie Schmidt says that parents always want the best for their child. But sometimes this desire for ideal conditions and the great interest in the child's development can be problematic, because the child's development is increasingly dictated. As soon as something doesn't conform to the norm, it becomes stressful for parents and child.

We should accept our children as they are instead of forcing them into a framework that they don't fit into.

Parents should try to value and accept their children for who they are, especially during puberty. Schmidt says that the prevailing idea in our society is that professional success leads to a happy life. That's why she understands parents' anxiety when their child doesn't do well at school. It helps if parents and teachers understand that it is more conducive to a child's happiness in life if they are accepted and supported in their individual abilities and characteristics than if they are forced into a framework in which they do not fit.

We want to feel good

Children and young people who are valued for their individual characteristics develop better self-confidence and can benefit from social comparison. Social comparison also serves to enhance self-esteem. People sometimes believe that many things are easier for others. However, there is also the opposite tendency to overestimate one's own abilities and character traits in comparison with others. The «above average effect» was last demonstrated in a Turkish study in 2023. 80 per cent of respondents believed they were more intelligent than the average.

How does that fit together? Katja Corcoran says that people want to feel good about themselves, which is why it is quite natural to focus on your strengths and, if need be, to embellish. Comparisons help us to do this. For example, if someone is unfriendly to the cashier in the supermarket and I then behave in a more friendly way, comparing myself to this person confirms that I am a good person.

Comparisons provide orientation

Social comparison is also an important driver of social and personal development. If I feel envy, I may be dealing with a social injustice or a repressed longing. Maybe I want to change something in my life, or maybe I need a change in society. In any case, there is great potential for realisation in this feeling.

Young people often find themselves in new situations: a new class, a new school, new friends, an apprenticeship, university, their first job, a stay abroad. «We compare ourselves more in new situations,» says Katja Corcoran. In order to orientate ourselves in a new environment, we automatically absorb all the comparative information available to us: How do the others behave? How do they dress? What are the social codes? What do we need to know and be able to do?

So you could also say that anyone who compares themselves a lot probably has a dynamic, exciting and instructive life. Part of such a life is also feeling bad sometimes. After all, we don't want to deprive our children of the most important lesson in life: that it's okay to fail. That we can have and show our weaknesses. And that negative feelings such as anger, sadness and envy are also justified and tell us something about ourselves and our environment.