These phrases are not helpful for perfectionist children
Everything could be so relaxed: the child studies hard, brings home good grades, is reliable. But behind this façade, there is often immense inner pressure, accompanied by the fear of not being good enough, of making mistakes or of not meeting the expectations of parents and teachers. Perfectionist children usually achieve a lot – and yet constantly doubt themselves.
When parents notice how much pressure their child is putting on themselves, they often want to reassure, comfort and put things into perspective. However, some well-intentioned phrases can have exactly the opposite effect. Let's look at four messages that often put perfectionist children and young people under even more pressure than they help them – and what has a strengthening effect instead.
For perfectionist children, grades are a reflection of their self-worth. They believe: «I am only lovable if I am good.»
1. Sentence: «There's no reason to worry so much!»
This statement comes quickly – and is well-intentioned. After all, objectively speaking, everything is fine! The child has prepared thoroughly for their test, their grades are good, they can do anything! But a perfectionist child feels very differently. They are caught in a whirlpool of self-doubt, fear of failure and the feeling of not being good enough.
If you trivialise a child's inner reality from the outside, they will quickly feel misunderstood and alone. They will learn: «You're exaggerating – your feelings are not justified.» In doing so, we adults unintentionally reinforce their feelings of inferiority: «I'm not good enough! I can't even think and feel properly!»
To empower perfectionist children, we need to give them the opportunity to realise for themselves that their fear of mistakes and bad grades is disproportionate. Parents can do this by asking questions such as: «This test is really bothering you, isn't it? Would you like to tell me what's on your mind?»
Many pupils benefit from transforming their perfectionist worries and fears into a character. In our novel «You can do it, Merle!», the perfectionist duck Merle discovers her «Tyrannicus»: the harsh and judgemental inner voice that always kicks in when she has to perform. By first drawing the gloomy figure and writing down its statements, she gains more distance from it.
If we want to help perfectionist children, we must learn to listen to them: What does a grade mean to you? And what happens if you do poorly?
You can also ask your child: «What exactly does this harsh inner voice say? What might it look like and what might its name be?» In a second step, you can check together: «Is what this inner critic says really true? And are these statements good for me?»
2. Sentence: «Oh, come on, it's just a note!»
A coaching client who suffers from exam anxiety said: «I hate the phrase «Oh come on, it's just a grade!» What will be left of me if even my grades are no longer worth anything?»
For perfectionist children, grades are not simply snapshots of their performance. They are much more than that – they are a reflection of their self-worth. They believe: «I am only lovable if I am good.» Especially when a child has worked hard for an exam, sacrificing hobbies, free time orsleep, then there is an immense price behind that grade. Then they want to at least feel that all this hard work has been worthwhile.
If we want to help perfectionist children, we must learn to listen to them: «What does a grade mean to you? And what happens if you do poorly? Who would be disappointed? Do you think that you won't be able to achieve a certain goal because of this – and is that really the case? Are you worried about how we, your parents, or your teachers will react? About feeling less valuable?»
Only when we understand the fears behind a potentially poor grade can we examine them and, if necessary, put them into perspective. If our child is disappointed with a grade, we can be there for them: «You put so much effort into this and gave up so much to study for this test... You would have liked a different result...»
3. Sentence: «You can do it!»
What is meant as encouragement can put immense pressure on perfectionist children. Because: «What if I don't succeed this time? What if my winning streak ends?» The phrase «You can do it» then feels like an unspoken expectation that failure is not an option.
Instead, we can convey to our child: «We are here for you – even if things don't work out. No mark in the world will change how much we love you.» This way, our child learns that their performance does not determine how much love and affection they receive.
Perfectionist children need reassurance above all else: «I'm okay, even if I make mistakes sometimes.»
4. Sentence: «Hey, great! I knew you could do it!»
Many parents of perfectionist children experience the same situation time and time again: their child comes home discouraged after a test and is convinced that they have done badly. Shortly afterwards, however, they receive a good mark.
«Just believe in yourself!» you want to shout to the child. But they cannot believe in themselves. They dismiss their good performance as coincidence or luck, as the result of a supposedly easy test or the teacher's kind correction. They ignore their own contribution to their success.
However, excessively praising a child for their good grades in order to build their self-confidence usually backfires. This is because such praise can fuel conditional self-esteem – the feeling that you are only valuable if you perform well.
What alternative do we have? Give the child space to reflect for themselves – without immediately classifying or evaluating their performance! We can ask questions such as: «How did it go for you? Are you satisfied? What did you do well? What did you contribute to your success?»
Conclusion: Listen instead of judging
Perfectionist children need reassurance above all else: «I'm okay, even if I make mistakes sometimes.» If we convey this feeling to them, if we listen instead of judging, if we stand by their side – even in times of doubt and disappointment – then we help them to be a little gentler with themselves. And over time, it may become a little easier for them to come to terms with their own imperfections.
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