Letting go and giving children wings

Letting go. What such a small word can trigger in us. On the one hand, it reminds us of loss, pain and loneliness, but on the other, of liberation and relief. Because as painful as it can be to have to let go of someone or something, it can also be incredibly liberating to say goodbye to superfluous things, unhealthy relationships, bad habits or beliefs. In this ambivalence, letting go runs like a red thread through our lives - from the first detachment, birth, to the last breath, death.

Letting go is an emotional cocktail of pride, melancholy, sadness and relief.

For us parents, it is one of the greatest exercises. If you ask mums and dads what letting go means to them, the answers reflect a whole range of emotions: a balancing act of trust, relief, relinquishing control and saying goodbye.

The first major letting go undoubtedly takes place with the birth. The end of the breastfeeding relationship is a release from a symbiotic relationship. When the child starts to walk, lets go of our hand, expands its radius. When it prefers to go to Chindsgi without us, when it increasingly makes its own plans as a schoolchild, when a teenager with a problem prefers to go to friends rather than to us - these moments can be painful and touching at the same time.

A bittersweet emotional cocktail of pride, melancholy, sadness and relief. You can sense that the child is growing up and the urge to experience things for themselves grows with them. The bigger and more independent the child, the more a feeling of loss of control can arise, especially in developmental phases such as puberty.

A field of tension between holding on and letting go

All child development is designed for autonomy and our task as parents is to create space for this development. It is a tension between holding on and letting go, the balance between the famous roots and wings. We get involved in an incredibly close relationship with a little person who is completely dependent on us.

We want to have the child with us, protect it - and at the same time prepare it to no longer need us at some point. They should become independent, develop their own values and ideas and remain connected to us.

We are completely geared towards bonding right from the start, this is evolutionarily intended.

Nicola Schmidt, science journalist

At the same time, we need to regain the self-determination that we had to put on hold in the early years and re-experience our partnership. A daunting task, especially when you consider how expectation-laden parenthood is today and how lonely it can feel.

The role of hormones

In order to better understand this area of tension and the resulting contradiction, it helps to take a look at biology. First of all, the desire to intensively protect and care for our children is deeply rooted in us. Hormones play an extremely important role in this, and not just in the mother. «We are completely attuned to bonding right from the start, that's evolutionarily intended,» explains Nicola Schmidt, German author and science journalist.

The woman giving birth releases the hormones oxytocin and prolactin, which triggers caring behaviour. This also changes the hormone status of those close to her and thus their caring behaviour. «Testosterone decreases around babies, while oxytocin and prolactin levels increase in men who are close to a breastfeeding mother,» says Schmidt. Our babies are also extremely attuned to bonding from birth, as they are dependent on us «because they are born too early physiologically and are carriers».

An evolutionary long-term project

Adrian Jäggi, Professor of Human Biology at the Institute of Evolutionary Medicine at the University of Zurich, explains why we look after our offspring for longer than other species from an evolutionary perspective: «Human children are dependent on support for much longer than other species. When the young of the female great ape is weaned after five to eight years, it has to manage more or less on its own.» Many of the young animals then even migrate to another group.

«In humans, on the other hand, including societies such as hunter-gatherers, children are usually weaned earlier, but unlike apes, they are far from being able to feed themselves. They have to be fed by adults for almost 20 years,» says the biologist.

Of course, our children not only need food, but also benefit throughout their lives from the social and emotional support of their parents as well as the experience and knowledge gained from relationships outside the family. The bond that develops at the beginning must therefore last into young adulthood.

Autonomy requires commitment

That is one side - the basis of human growth, the safe harbour. According to the attachment theory of the renowned British child psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, children are programmed to form close bonds with their caregivers during the first years of life in order to ensure their survival. These are enormously important for the child's cognitive, social and emotional development as well as a prototype for their future relationships.

However, according to Bowlby, this attachment system interacts closely with the child's desire to explore its environment independently, i.e. its need for autonomy. Only when their need for attachment is sufficiently satisfied, i.e. the child is securely attached, can they go on a relaxed journey of discovery. In the course of its voyages of discovery, it therefore needs a safe harbour to return to again and again.

The concept of attachment is over-interpreted and exploration is discussed far too little.

Margrit Stamm, educational scientist

The fact that parents want to protect their children can therefore be deduced from evolutionary biology. The same goes for children's desire for autonomy. And there have always been mothers and fathers who found it more difficult than others to gradually let go. However, today's generation of parents has a reputation for finding it particularly difficult to let their children become independent. And indeed, compared to previous generations, we tend to worry more about our children.

We often intervene prematurely, take care of things and solve problems for the child, even though they have long been able to do it themselves. We see dangers where objectively there are none. Nicola Schmidt attributes this overprotection to the prevailing time pressure on parents today. «Due to the constant stress, we are always in danger mode, see risks everywhere and want to protect our child,» she says.

Parents are under pressure

Margrit Stamm, educational scientist and professor emeritus of educational psychology at the University of Fribourg, has also observed that children are overprotected. She notes that today's parents, at least those in the middle class, are much less able to let go than in the past. This is evident even in the lecture theatre: «In recent years, I've seen more and more parents of students sitting at university information events, asking questions and taking notes for their children. 25 seems to be the new 18. That's a worrying development,» she says.

Stamm believes that one of the causes of overprotective behaviour is the social pressure of expectations to do everything right when raising children. In this respect, a culture of fear has developed in recent decades - «a competition-orientated culture that pushes parents, but especially mothers, to be perfect and to want to have perfect children».

This urge to optimise is reflected in social media and drives mothers in particular into a spiral of perfection. This is one of the main reasons why parents today are less able to let go. However, instead of pillorying parents, Margrit Stamm argues in favour of questioning social expectations that make it difficult for them to cut the cord with their children.

The professor also refers to the development of parenting styles towards needs- and relationship-orientated approaches. Although this change is to be welcomed, on the one hand it places additional focus on the parents - on the other hand, the common misconception that needs-orientated parenting means fulfilling every single need of the child creates additional pressure.

Strong roots, clipped wings

German paediatrician and author Herbert Renz-Polster agrees with this argument. He also regrets that the misunderstood and incorrectly disseminated concept of needs-orientated parenting is causing what he calls the wing space to be forgotten.

«We have gradually conquered the root space, but the wing space has become smaller,» said the paediatrician in an interview for this magazine. «We are clearly out of balance here.» According to Renz-Polster, we should realise that as parents, we have a dual role and are not only supportive, but also enabling.

Parents should develop a sense of how much responsibility they can give the child.

Margrit Stamm believes that John Bowlby's attachment theory has been misunderstood in this respect: «According to Bowlby, attachment and exploration are equally important. They are in balance with each other, interdependent, complementary and self-regulating,» says the educationalist. The child seeks closeness and protection on the one hand, but also exploration on the other.

Letting go is important so that both sides can develop. However, modern parenting approaches focus too much on attachment and the need for autonomy is often neglected.

«The concept of attachment is over-interpreted and understood as constant closeness and protection, but exploration is discussed far too little.» This one-sidedness has contributed to the fact that over-attachment makes it difficult for the child to develop tendencies towards autonomy at an early age. «Then the control and fear for the child are overpowering.»

The individual level

Of course, it would be too one-sided to ignore the personal level alongside the social one. According to psychotherapist Joëlle Gut, we all have imprints and character traits that determine how well or badly we can let go. For example, our need for closeness can have an influence, as can our ability to deal with change or whether we are more emotionally or intellectually driven.

According to Joëlle Gut, who often encounters the topic in practice, it is also important to scrutinise your own patterns: Do I define myself by being used? How self-determined or externally determined is my life? Do I have other priorities such as friendships or hobbies? How strongly are social ideals anchored in me? According to Gut, factors such as the quality of your own relationship can also lead to children serving as so-called emotional placeholders for your partner - which can make it even more difficult to let go.

If parents don't let go, children can't develop properly.

Joëlle Gut, psychotherapist

But doesn't it also depend on the child's personality how well we as parents can let go? According to experts, this seems to play a rather subordinate role in normal development. It is true that every child is unique and sometimes needs more, sometimes less closeness. They also develop at their own pace within certain phases - but their goal is always to move forwards.

Communication with the child is more important than the child's personality. It is therefore crucial to pay attention to the child's signals in everyday life. Perhaps a seven-year-old will one day express the wish to spend a week's holiday alone with their grandparents, or a ten-year-old might want to go to a holiday camp with her friends. These wishes need to be taken seriously. And it is important to encourage independence. Parents should develop a sense of what is next in the child's development and how much responsibility they can give them.

Clinging is not good for anyone

Children want security and experiences of autonomy - an interplay of closeness and distance that changes constantly as they grow up. The urge for autonomy is never more apparent than during puberty, when the relationship with parents is completely transformed. The child, the adolescent, increasingly turns away, and although we know that this is normal and important, it can make us sad or frighten us.

«The young people learn which behaviours and attitudes they adopt from their parents and which they don't,» says Joëlle Gut. It's also about enabling them to develop their independence and fulfil obligations on their own. «If parents don't let go,» she says, «young people can't learn to solve these developmental tasks.»

The better parents can detach themselves, the better it is for them to find their identity.

Pasqualina Perrig-Chiello, psychologist

Pasqualina Perrig-Chiello, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Bern, takes a similar view. In addition, children could develop fears or become more radically detached as a result of their parents clinging, as it would otherwise be almost impossible. Clinging also has consequences for parents, at the latest when the children move out.

«The better we can let go, the better it is for our identity,» says Perrig-Chiello, who has long researched the developmental psychology of the lifespan. According to the psychologist, parents who are able to let go have the confidence that the child will be able to stand on its own two feet and find its place professionally, in a partnership and socially after moving out. «This in turn gives the child security and confidence.» In terms of partnership, those who have not yet defined themselves unilaterally through their role as parents, but also as a couple and as individuals, also have the better cards.

Parents who are unable to let go, on the other hand, fare worse: «Then they remain in their role and miss out on their own individuation,» says Perrig-Chiello. This can go so far that they become dependent on the child and try to maintain this state by all means, «with love, pampering and, if necessary, threats».

Letting go can be learnt

Ideally, we would therefore do well to accompany our children as carefully as possible on their path to independence, to give them freedom and to be proud when they dare to take a new step in their own independence. We always give them a secure base and a place to come back to. Of course, none of this happens in one fell swoop.

«The first time putting on shoes alone, the first time sleeping somewhere else, the first school trip. The first time alone on the bus to a friend's house, travelling alone on the train. We have to gradually prepare children to master life on their own,» says Nicola Schmidt. At best, we will reclaim our old freedoms bit by bit.

But what do we do in moments when we still struggle with letting go? Then it helps to start by scrutinising ourselves. Margrit Stamm advises us to take two steps back and reflect: Who am I and what has led to my behaviour? To what extent am I projecting my own wishes and experiences onto the child? What do I need to be able to let go?

Saying no to perfection

As far as society's demands on parents are concerned, these cannot be changed overnight. Change takes time and leisure, and parents rarely have either. But simply becoming aware of this can help to take the pressure off and lean back a little.

According to Margrit Stamm, one key to breaking out of the demand for perfection, which makes it fundamentally difficult for us to let go, lies in internalising Good Enough Parenting.

Children owe us nothing, not even gratitude.

The term refers to the approach of the British paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, who discovered back in the 1950s that parents who try to raise their child «perfectly» ultimately do less to promote their child's development than those who are loving, but also deal calmly with their own mistakes and are aware of their mistakes: We do it well, and good is good enough.

In practice, this also means breaking down our rigid parental role bit by bit, opening up the family to a village and insisting that children are not a private matter, but are everyone's business. Refusing to be compared with others, especially on social media, and, last but not least, questioning rigid maternal ideals that insist that the mother is the only proper and self-sacrificing carer for the child.

In order to be able to let go, the realisation can ultimately also help: Children owe us nothing, not even gratitude. We cannot demand that they stay with us, nor are they responsible for making us feel good and needed. What it ultimately comes down to is the quality of the interpersonal relationship. That's why we should encourage them as much as possible and give them courage, confidence and trust along the way.