Andrea Furer, 41, project manager at a foundation and teacher, lives with her husband Thomas, 42, a police officer, and their four children Fjonn, 3, Yuna and Yoën, 12, and Joa, 16, in Hindelbank, Bern.
When I think back on my childhood, I have many fond memories. My parents raised my brother and me in a loving way. They gave us a lot of love and made us feel that they were there for us in every situation. We also grew up to be open-minded and close to nature. I am very grateful to my parents for these values and I want to pass them on to my children.
My parents were never ill themselves and did not show me that it is okay to be weak sometimes.
But when I had children of my own, I realised that not everything was rosy. My father was very performance-oriented, especially when it came to sport. I trained a lot in handball, and by the age of 15 I was already playing in the National League A and in the national team. If I ever had a stomach ache or a headache, no one stopped me from going to training.
My parents were never ill themselves and did not teach me that it is okay to be weak sometimes. In competitive sports, you are expected to constantly improve, and to do so, you have to push yourself beyond your limits. My parents did not actively put pressure on me, but they always praised me for my sporting and academic achievements.
Self-esteem based on performance
My father was very proud of me and talked about my talent everywhere. As a result, I based my self-esteem on my achievements. Later, I had to learn to recognise and accept my limitations. That was a huge turning point. As a mother, I realised that you also influence your children in subtle ways, without saying anything.
I want my children to understand that it is acceptable to listen to themselves and their bodies, and that they are valuable regardless of their achievements.
My children are also very athletic – my husband and I have passed that on to them. But if they want to skip training because they are exhausted, I say, «It's okay to be tired. It's good that you recognise that.»
They should realise that it is okay to listen to themselves and their bodies, and that they are valuable regardless of their achievements. It is possible to rephrase your beliefs! But it is not easy. It takes a lot of effort for me to behave differently than I used to. And I don't always succeed. However, I find it much more important to deal with your negative conditioning in a conscious and mindful way.
