When the child gets into a conflict of loyalty

When parents separate, it is not uncommon for children to experience a conflict of loyalty, which both mum and dad worry about. «The conflict of loyalty is as much a part of parental separation as a fever is of the flu,» writes Liselotte Staub in her book «Separation with children - what now?».

Is parental custody therefore unfounded? After all, the flu passes after a few days or weeks. Unfortunately, it's not quite that simple.

What does loyalty actually mean in the context of family? Liselotte Staub describes it like this: the small child who is dependent on its parents must adapt to its parents in order to survive. According to Staub, the child is dependent on its parents offering it protection and satisfying its needs, which leads to the child bowing to the reality of its parents and all their values. According to the author, this is unproblematic in the context of the three-way relationship between father, mother and child(ren) because the child loves its parents and is attached to its mother and father.

If the parents separate and it becomes apparent that each parent is suddenly fighting for their own values or parenting principles, creating a hostile climate, the child feels torn between the mother and father. A conflict of loyalty arises in the child. This tension is exacerbated if the child is confronted with direct or indirect devaluations of the other parent or influences to sway them to their own side.

I often encounter this situation in my day-to-day counselling. «My daughter came to me last weekend and shouted at me that it was my fault that she could no longer go horse riding,» a father recently told me. He keeps hearing statements like this from Lara. He has often told his ex-wife that she shouldn't involve their daughter in issues that she can't understand. But it doesn't help.

The separation of parents inevitably shakes and unsettles a child.

Another example: When eight-year-old Tom comes back to his mum after his father's weekend, she says he is a changed man. «He screams around, swears at me and I need two to three days until he calms down again and we can go about our daily lives normally.»

The despair in the parents' words is clearly audible. Both parents emphasise that they never speak badly about the other in front of the child. «We want the best for our child.»

The separation of the parents inevitably shakes a child, as the broken three-way relationship leads to insecurity in the child. If the mother and father accept the child's bond and relationship with the other parent and are able to give their child a sense of security by honouring agreements, the initial conflict of loyalty fades like the aforementioned flu-like fever.

However, if the parents are involved in an ongoing battle for the child or are so emotionally hurt that they are out for revenge, the conflict of loyalty develops into a permanent symptom and can put a massive strain on the child's psyche.

Young children wonder who is looking out for them when their parents turn into fighting monsters.

In her book «Das Wohl des Kindes bei Trennung und Scheidung», author Liselotte Staub impressively describes how busy children are struggling for their own safety. Young children wonder who is looking out for them when their parents turn into fighting monsters. Older children want to find out which parent is right or wrong.

This becomes apparent when your child comes to you and confronts you with statements or questions that you realise must have come from the other parent, either because your child should not know anything about this topic or because they are not yet able to make sense of certain connections due to their age.

When a child cuts the relationship

If a child persists in its conflict of loyalty, it cannot cope well with its own developmental tasks. This child is always busy monitoring and controlling their parents' behaviour. It can react with withdrawal or aggression or sometimes even actively intervene. This constant state of mind causes the child to experience persistent stress, which is known to have a severe impact on their health.

The authors of the research project «Child Protection in Highly Contentious Parenthood» at the German Youth Institute in Munich state that children cut ties with the parent they are not living with and refuse to be involved due to the ongoing high psychological stress, even if they were emotionally connected to this parent before the separation. This can be seen as a coping strategy for children to feel safe with at least one parent.

Separated parents feel the need to tell the child their own «truth». In the end, the child no longer knows who to believe.

Based on the attitude of only wanting the best for the child, mothers and fathers should avoid chronicising the loyalty conflict at all costs in favour of healthy development. But what if each parent has the feeling that they are doing everything they can to prevent the child from falling into this conflict and the other behaves in exactly the opposite way?

When I ask in counselling sessions how parents react to their children's influenced statements or questions, it becomes clear how strong the need is to be right and to tell the child «the truth».

Like a heavy block

This reaction, as human as it may seem, is counterproductive. It usually forces the child to have this «truth» checked by the other parent. In doing so, the child is confronted with a different «truth», which it in turn has to verify. This pattern means that each parent initially feels subjectively relieved because they have presented their view of things. For the child, however, these «truths» feel like a heavy block that they can no longer get rid of. In the end, the child is of the opinion that the parents are lying and no longer knows who to believe.

The solution is to first step out of the reaction pattern and dispense with justifications in terms of one's own «truth». Truth is experienced subjectively. The other parent has a completely different perception of a situation and therefore constructs a different «truth» of their own. How should the child position itself between different truths? If you ask yourself this question, the child's turmoil becomes clearly perceptible.

Emotional support for the child

In a second step, leave the factual level of justification and focus on the child's emotional level. Instead of countering in Lara's example: «Lara, that's not true. I pay your mum enough maintenance every month!», her father could say: «Lara, I hear you can't go riding at the moment, which I'm very sorry about. You're sad, aren't you?» Lara is not sad. She's angry about it and is still shouting. «Okay, you're angry, I can hear that very clearly and I can understand you. What do we do with your anger now? How are you going to let it out? Should I help you with that? For example, you could punch this pillow hard. Come on, I'll join you!»

This is the third step. Accompanying the child's emotions until they have passed. This accompaniment makes the child feel recognised and taken seriously, even if riding is not yet a reality. Here the father can tell Lara that he will talk to her mother and see how her hobby could become possible again.

Parents often don't pay attention to their indirect communication. A child also hears or senses devaluations or accusations when mum swears at dad with her girlfriend or dad gets upset about the letter from the divorce lawyer.