«Sometimes the thought drives me mad.»

Father: Good afternoon. Hm, where should I start? Are you familiar with legal issues surrounding separations and such?

Advisor: Yes. We simply make sure that we know where our responsibility ends and that you are better off consulting a solicitor or barrister. Would you like to tell us about it?

Father: Gladly. I have been separated from my ex for three years. At first, I tried to reach an amicable agreement on visiting rights. We also went through mediation and initially wanted shared custody. But when it came to signing the agreement, she suddenly changed her mind.

Advisor: Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that. How is it arranged now?

Father: Quite traditional. She has custody and I have visiting rights every other weekend . The separation agreement states that the children can stay with me more often by mutual agreement. That worked well as long as she had a partner and was happy to have some free time. As soon as she was single again, she clung to the children and hardly wanted to let them go.

My ex says the children don't want to come to me anymore. But I know that's not true.

Father

Counsellor: Hmm, I imagine these changes are challenging – for everyone involved. How old are your children?

Father: Yes, it's really exhausting. The children are now five and eight. She has a new partner who has moved in with her, and now it's the other way round: she's pretending to be the perfect family with him and sees me as a disruptive factor. I haven't seen the children for almost two months now.

Counsellor: That's a long time. How did that come about?

Father: First, she extended the holidays. Then the older one was ill, so neither of them came. And now she says the children don't want to come to me anymore. But I know that's not true. When they're here, we have a great time, and at the end of the weekend they don't want to go back.

Counsellor: Do I understand correctly that you are not married and that there is a Kesb order regarding custody and visiting rights?

Father: Exactly. I think it would have been better to get married – then I would probably have different rights as a father.

Counsellor: That shouldn't make any difference. Only the jurisdiction is different: in the case of married parents, the court has jurisdiction; in the case of unmarried parents, it is the Kesb or, in some cantons, the family court. Is there a guardianship?

Father: No, my ex didn't want that. It would have been fine with me. As I said, first we tried mediation, then she broke it off and got herself a tough solicitor. I then had to find a solicitor who was considered tough. They negotiated everything between themselves. My solicitor said that was a normal arrangement, as the mother had mainly been at home before the separation. I would have liked to have taken on more childcare, but my ex didn't want to work. Today, I think I should have insisted more.

I imagine that you feel powerless because there is nothing you can do at the moment.

Advisor

Advisor: This is a topic we hear about time and time again. It seems as though fathers are being disadvantaged, even though the focus is often simply on continuity for the children.

Father: Yes, I understand that. But it's not always the case that mothers do it better. For example, I'm more patient than my ex and do more with the children. She's often tired and lets the children sit at the computer. That should also be taken into account.

Counsellor: What have you done in the last two months to get the visiting rights working again?

Father: A lot, really a lot! First, I tried to talk to her – until she blocked me everywhere. Then I turned to the Kesb. They said it was still too early, that I should be patient, that things would sort themselves out. Out of desperation, I even contacted the police. But they said they weren't responsible for enforcing visiting rights – that it would do the children more harm than good. I agree, but I don't feel like I'm being taken seriously.

I am afraid that my children will become estranged from me and prefer my new partner to me.

Father

Counsellor: I can understand that. I imagine you feel powerless because there is nothing you can do at the moment.

Father: Yes, exactly. I'm afraid that my children will become estranged from me and prefer my new partner to me. Sometimes the thought drives me crazy.

Counsellor: I understand. I suggest that we first discuss the legal aspects and then find ways for you to overcome your powerlessness.

Father: Gladly, that makes sense.

Counsellor: Ideally, you should go to parenting counselling together to clarify what is not working and how the weekend visits can be resumed – perhaps with supervised visits at first.

Father: I don't think it's necessary, but I would still do it if it meant I could see my children again. I'll try.

Counsellor: I think it's great that you're trying. If that doesn't work, the Kesb would be responsible for further steps. A children's solicitor can also be involved in the ongoing proceedings. Parents or children can apply for such representation – with the sole aim of representing the interests of the children.

Father: I didn't know that. Good to know that this option exists.

Counsellor: Please be patient – things don't happen overnight. How can you take good care of yourself in the meantime? Do you have people you can talk to or activities that help you stop your thoughts from going round and round in circles?

Father: Yes, I have. Now that I know what I can do, I have a new perspective and, with it, hope. Thank you very much. One last question: do you believe me?

Counsellor: What you are saying sounds plausible to me. I get the impression that you care deeply about your children's well-being. Does that answer your question?

Father: Yes, that's good for me.

Advisor: All the best for the next steps. You can contact us again at any time.

This protocol is a greatly abridged record of a lengthy consultation, reduced to the essentials. Our aim is to provide insight into our work and to give readers food for thought on similar issues.

Yvonne Müller, Co-Director of Elternnotruf (Parents' Helpline)