When fathers are present, everyone wins

My best friend - an enthusiastic, busy lawyer in a large commercial law firm - told me two years ago: «You can't work part-time as a partner in a law firm.» When he told me a year later that his wife was pregnant, I immediately wanted to know how they would organise themselves as parents. With surprising matter-of-factness, he said: «I've reduced my workload to 80 per cent. I'll continue to work 100 per cent until the baby arrives so that I can stay at home for three months after my maternity leave.»

A few months later, he is sitting opposite me at the living room table with his little son. Giving bottles, changing nappies, soothing - my boyfriend can do it all and seems balanced and deeply relaxed. I was very happy about this - for his son and for him.

The role of an assistant is unattractive for us fathers. If anything, we want to do it properly.

It is still not a matter of course that men are present as fathers and can grow into this role. You quickly feel left behind professionally, encounter obstacles such as uncomprehending superiors or, depending on the environment, are ridiculed by colleagues.

Many men also lack a role model: they themselves may have known their father as the breadwinner of the family, who took time for the children on Sundays but knew little of their everyday joys, worries and hardships.

Even parenting guides often only devote one chapter to fathers, usually explaining how they can best relieve their partner. However, this role as an assistant or labourer is completely unattractive for us men.

If anything, we want to do it right and take full responsibility. It is important to us that our partner recognises that we do many things differently, but just as well.

The child learns: You can rely on dad

The latter is not a matter of course. There is still a persistent belief that the mother is the more important attachment figure, who is naturally and throughout her life more closely connected to the child, is better able to perceive its needs and reacts more sensitively to them. This conviction gives rise to the unwritten rule in many families that the mother is in demand in situations that are particularly relevant to bonding.

Recently, a mum wrote in a Facebook group that her employer only gives her ten days off a year to be there for her child when she is ill - and how impossible she finds this. In response to my comment that her husband could also stay at home for another ten days, I received some bitter comments, many of them along the lines of: «If the child is ill, the mum wants it!» That may be true: If the mum has always been there for the sick child, it will want her too. If dad suddenly stays at home, he may have a hard time on the first day. But it is precisely these moments in which the bond is strengthened, in which the child and father can learn something new.

Enduring difficult moments together with the child creates a completely different closeness, familiarity and bonding security.

The child realises: I can rely on dad, he's there when I'm not feeling well, he'll drop everything and look after me. The father learns: I can put up with my initial insecurity, calm my child down on my own, find out what to do. It gets easier every time and maybe the second time round the child is already happy when dad stays at home.

It's wonderful when fathers play with their children, roam through the woods, tussle, romp and have a serious word or two. But enduring the difficult moments together with the child, spending the night in hospital with them, accompanying them to the dentist when they are afraid to stay at home when they are ill, creates a completely different closeness, familiarity and security of attachment.

We fathers sometimes have to conquer this space for ourselves by confronting our own insecurities, the comments of our partner and well-intentioned offers of help from our own mother and mother-in-law with sufficient self-confidence and saying: «Now I'll take over - the child and I will do it!»

Shortly before I became a father, I spoke to my former boss and mentor about the fact that I wanted to take a career break. He looked at me and said: «Fabian, you're doing exactly the right thing. Everyone is replaceable at work, no matter how good they are. There's only one father for the children.» I was all the more impressed by this sentence because it came from a professor who has worked a lot, enjoyed it and been successful all his life.

Since having children, I have found this thought to be a relief. It prevents me from taking work too seriously and gives me the necessary distance. Things can be left undone, opportunities can pass by unused, tasks can take more time than previously thought or someone can be dissatisfied.

Please don't be so helpless, dear fathers!

Of course, it is a privilege not to have to work 100 per cent to ensure the survival of the family. However, many men are financially secure, naturally demand a pay rise and confidently take on exciting projects. But as soon as they have to ask for an afternoon off in the interests of their family or children, or postpone an appointment to attend important events, they give in: «It's just not possible», «I have to go to this meeting», «I'd be down with the boss».

We men would do well to put these objections through their paces. Is it really the case that we have so little room for manoeuvre in our company? Are we really immediately dismissed or passed over for promotion when people realise that we have a family?

Or are we primarily afraid of being seen as an unmanly henpecked husband if we make demands for «more family time» or ask for the meeting to be scheduled earlier with the argument «I have to pick up my child from daycare»?

This is where we as fathers can become braver. You might really get an eye roll from the team - but how much does that matter when your child is happy when you pick them up from daycare or you spend your hard-won afternoon off with the children at the lake instead of in the office?

Sometimes it helps to broaden your perspective a little. I'd like to suggest a little exercise for this: Try to find five adjectives that describe your relationship with your father from your childhood to your teenage years. Next, think about how your child/children would answer this question at the moment and how close this comes to what you would like.