When children dig into old wounds

The other day in one of our seminars: «Sometimes I can't help myself. The children push my buttons and bang! It throws me off track again,» a mother told me. «Then I overreact, become rude, shout around, get snotty, threaten, punish, sulk, am suddenly so hurt, so desperate and helpless, I could cry. Later I feel sorry and ashamed, I wanted to do things differently. Why can't I manage that?» she asks the group. Many other participants nod.

Beliefs are deeply rooted convictions about ourselves, the world and our relationships.

Do you know this? Yes? Then let's explore together why it can sometimes be so difficult to react calmly. Let's start with this: of course we're all only human. The day has been long, so has the to-do list, you're tired, you've been pulling yourself together all day and then the moment comes - the bickering siblings at the dinner table, the refusal to go to bed - that breaks the camel's back. Social psychologists call this phenomenon «ego depletion», the exhaustion of our willpower after many strenuous tasks.

When do you get emotional?

There are also situations in which it is not just everyday exhaustion that causes us to lose our nerve, but wounds from our own childhood. «The emotional states of our childhood and adolescence are like dormant tormentors that certain stimuli or situations awaken and we are then helplessly at their mercy,» writes psychotherapist Gitta Jacob in her book «Raus aus Schema F» (Get out of Scheme F).

Think about the moments when you react excessively emotionally, when your buttons are pushed: What do they have in common? And what thoughts go through your head at that moment?

«I am not being heard»

One mother realised that she always loses her nerve when she feels like she is being ignored by her children. Last time, she was sitting in the living room with her 14-year-old daughter and wanted to have a chat with her. However, she was constantly typing on her mobile phone and barely looked up from the screen.

«My husband is able to look past it and says she's just going through puberty and it's normal that she doesn't talk so much, but I can't see it that way: I sit there and feel so stupid, I'm suddenly deeply hurt, sad and lonely, even though our other children are in the same room. And then I don't say a word to my daughter all day, perhaps also to let her feel what it's like. Totally immature, I know,» she says.

When asked about her thoughts, she pauses: «There's the thought: I'm not being heard! What you want doesn't count! You're not important! You're a burden!»

Positive and negative beliefs

On closer inspection, it becomes clear that these beliefs are ingrained from an early age. Beliefs are deeply rooted convictions about ourselves, the world and our relationships that we develop in the course of our childhood.

If our basic needs for attachment, security, recognition and appreciation, for self-determination and self-efficacy and for carefree moments in childhood are given sufficient attention, we are more likely to form positive beliefs, for example «I can be who I am», «I am welcome», «I am good enough».

If, on the other hand, basic needs are violated, negative beliefs tend to take root in us, such as «I'm a burden», «Nobody takes me seriously», «Nobody sees me», «I don't get enough».

These beliefs stick with us unconsciously into adulthood - they influence our thoughts, feelings and actions. The mother in the example above realised that although she had a very good relationship with her parents in her own childhood, they were extremely busy at work.

Feelings back with a vengeance

In everyday life with her four siblings, she was rarely seen and often ignored. At night, she was often afraid in the big house and called for her parents, but no one came. And today, as an adult, when she has the impression that she is ignored, all the old feelings come back with a vengeance: the loneliness, the sadness, the fear, the shame. She feels this way not only with her children, but also in professional meetings.

We can realise that we often react to our previous life story.

For one father, it's the children's dissatisfaction that triggers him: «I take extra time at the weekend, plan a trip and want everyone to have fun. And in the morning, the children don't get going, they grimace in the car and the little one is nagging.» Then he gets angry. He gets loud, accuses the children of being ungrateful and expects them to pull themselves together. If the little ones don't give in immediately, he feels powerless and would prefer to leave them where they are.

What the search for clues brings us

A look back at his own biography reveals that, as a child, he always had the impression that he wasn't getting enough. He experienced his own parents as demanding, strict and distant. He often felt inferior to his classmates because the family could only afford so much.

The admonishing words of his parents still resonate with him: «Nothing is given to you in life!» or «Be grateful for what you have. Others are much worse off!». Now he offers his children so much that he himself had to miss out on, and yet he doesn't seem to be able to «satisfy them», then as now he «doesn't seem to be enough».

It often hurts people when they realise how they had to be for their own parents in order to be accepted, which of their own needs were violated or disregarded and which beliefs have become ingrained. However, this can also lead us down a productive path: We can realise that we are often reacting to our previous life story - and not to the current outside world.

And we can develop more compassion and care for ourselves for those moments that affect us more deeply than others. Sometimes a book is enough, for example Stefanie Stahl's «Das Kind in dir muss Heimat finden» or Gitta Jacob's «Raus aus Schema F». Sometimes it requires the support of a specialist.