When children argue all the time

Living together or cooperating with other people is not possible without conflict. The only thing we can choose is how we behave when these arise.

Some people have grown up in families where all conflicts were swept under the carpet, so they lack the practice to work on them. Others come from families where there were constant fights and conflicts that made them unhappy because they were never resolved. As parents, these people are often inclined to suppress conflict in their family because it is a source of unhappiness for them.

Conflict arises when two people have opposing or sometimes simply different needs or desires: And because not all people are the same, we experience conflict every day. We are also often in conflict with ourselves; one part of us wants one thing and another part wants something else.

Swallowed grief leads to frustration

Sometimes our needs are so different that we can't agree on anything. Then only sadness can restore our inner balance and thus our inner peace. Not getting what we want most is, in a way, a sad defeat. It may be a need that is not particularly important, in which case the grief is only perceived as a minor disappointment, or the need may be so vital that the grief feels overwhelming.

As children, many of us didn't have the opportunity to process our grief. The adults interrupted us with their «Now you have to be nice (sociable, sensible, big)!», «Stop being like that!» or «Leave me alone with this nonsense!».

Children were born with a willingness to engage in conflict, but without language as their most important negotiating tool.

We had to swallow our sorrow and remain in frustration. We subordinated ourselves, and after seven to eight years of training we were able to wear a sensible, loving, sociable or adult mask and our parents could congratulate themselves on the fact that we had become so harmonious (and not annoying).

Children are born with a willingness to engage in conflict, but without language as their most important negotiation tool. Just as in early childhood development the development of gross motor skills comes at the beginning and the development of fine motor skills at the end, children also begin to express frustrations and conflicts with their arms and legs, so to speak.

Conflicts: Children imitate their parents

When it comes to dealing with conflicts using language, children learn almost exclusively by example, i.e. from their parents, whom they imitate. Children learn from the way we do things. When the children are five or six years old, they act the way we do, and because none of us are perfect, the children aren't either.

Even if younger children often use their arms and legs when they are in conflict, most of us can learn something from the naturalness with which they express their needs.

Children are the mirror in which we see ourselves most clearly.

Many marriages and relationships between children and adults would be much better off if all parties used the basic phrases in personal language: «I want», «I don't want», «I can stand it», «I can't stand it», «I want to have», «I don't want to have».

At the same time, children of this age have retained the ability to add the right tone of voice to words. They shout when they are frustrated, cry when they are sad, swear when they are angry. Many adults have lost this valuable quality - to the great detriment of their quality of life.

The children can learn from our example. What do father and mother do when they are in conflict with each other? How do they act when they are in conflict with us? They can learn from us how to use language to deal with conflicts.

Be a mediator, not a judge

And children are, as always, the mirror in which we see ourselves most clearly, they are a source of inspiration to observe and improve our own functioning. As adults, we can teach children to read, write and do maths. We can teach them not to jaywalk. But when it comes to the really important things in life, it is often the children who can teach us the most, even though they are «condemned» to imitate us.

It is relatively easy to give instructions on how to intervene in a conflict. The approach should be personal and considered, and you should refrain from criticising or taking sides.

The cause of a persistently high level of conflict is rarely found in the children.

Firstly, think about why you want to intervene in the children's conflict. Is it because you hate conflict and confuse a lack of conflict with harmony and happiness? Then wait a moment! Or is it because the conflict is too destructive, too dogged? Wait a little and then say: «Stop!», «Stop!» and call it out fervently.

No half-hearted remarks in the style of:

• «Won't you stop now? I can't stand it any more» (moaning)
• «You're also quite impossible - both of you. Can't you hear what they're saying?» (accusingly)
• «No, so now you have to be considerate of the fact that he's still the little one!» (criticising)
• «What's wrong with you and why can't you play together calmly and in peace?» (powerless)

Once the conflict has stopped, you can help the children to find the right words behind «bastard», «idiot» and so on.

Start by asking both parties the following question: «What is it that you would like to have?» Listen carefully to the answers and do not judge them. Check whether the children have each heard the other's answer and ask them to repeat the result of each other's answers if necessary.

Ask the initiator to investigate whether what he wants to get is possible. If it is not possible, ask him to express his reaction to it. The same applies if it is possible to get what he wants.

Don't get too involved in conflicts

Avoid thanking the children for their help. Always remember that the adult is merely a mediator and not a judge. After this process, the adult's job is over. In some families, there are very frequent conflicts between children; it seems as if even the smallest incident gives rise to an argument. Then it pays to call the family together and have a thorough discussion about what is simmering in the family.

The cause of a persistently high level of conflict is rarely found in the children. As parents, we are often possessed by an irrepressible urge to make ourselves useful in order to educate. Often all the activity is more for our sake than for the sake of the children.

If you can't stand it when the children have conflicts, try to leave the scene. Close the door, go into another room, go for a walk! In many cases, the less we interfere, the faster and better the children learn.