When a secure bond is missing

A child, let's call him Robin, falls over on his bike. Crying, Robin rubs his knee and looks down at his trousers, which are torn from the fall. The parents take the crying child in their arms and comfort him. He quickly calms down and feels encouraged to try cycling again.

Protection and comfort are particularly effective when they come from people with whom the child has a close relationship. And they are very important in situations like the one described above - not only in the situation itself, but for the child's entire development. Attachment refers to a close relationship characterised by strong feelings between a child and its parents or other adults close to it. It helps the infant and toddler to receive protection and be cared for safely.

An infant can form attachments to various adults - not just the parents.

An infant can form attachments to several adults. Attachment figures are usually the parents, who take intensive care of the child in the first years of life, but grandparents or other adults such as foster parents can also become attachment figures. If the infant is afraid, it seeks protection and security through closeness via eye or body contact.

The attachment figure is the safe haven that the child seeks out in case of fear or threat. After being reassured by this experienced closeness, the child can explore the world again from there. The development of an attachment is decisively influenced by the sensitivity of the attachment figure - whether they react sensitively to the child's expressions and needs.

The ability to be sensitive helps to learn which reaction to which signal from the child is ideal. These signals differ from child to child - whether it's the feeling of hunger, the need for physical contact, sleep or the desire to play together.

How does Robin feel the secure bond?

In the example of Robin's fall on his bike, sensitive behaviour could look something like this: The attachment figure observes their child and notices their facial expressions. She deduces from the laughter and beaming before the fall that Robin is proud and feels good and competent when cycling. Then Robin falls over and cries. The rubbing on his knee probably indicates pain, perhaps also frustration. The attachment figure quickly goes to the fallen child, takes him in her arms and comforts him. She names the situation and how Robin might feel and gives the child words for what has happened.

Robin feels understood by the other person. The attachment figure's calm and benevolent voice and comforting reassure the child. Robin realises that a fall and the associated pain will be absorbed and feels supported. The encouragement to carry on supports the child to continue exploring the world, even after a mishap. Robin feels competent again.

Are my feelings threatening?

However, a child also learns from the attachment figure's behaviour to perceive their own feelings, to name them and to associate them with the fall. Through many such experiences, the child learns to predict what the parent's behaviour will be in a certain situation. A child who has such or similar relationship experiences will develop a secure attachment. As a result, they will turn to their parents for help and security in times of grief and stress. Children and parents constantly draw conclusions about each other's feelings and inner world from each other's facial expressions.

When exploring the world, the child repeatedly makes eye contact and reads the attachment figure's face to see whether it is safe or in danger, and thus seeks support from them. The sensitive attachment figure can correctly read and name the child's feelings. They help the child to find their way in the world.

If the child is reprimanded in a situation that was not caused intentionally, it feels left alone.

A less sensitive attachment figure reacts to Robin's fall from his bike and other situations by scolding and reprimanding him. As a result, the child experiences the attachment figure as an additional burden. The child is unable to seek protection in such situations in order to calm down. There are various reasons for the attachment figure's behaviour: either they are very stressed by the fall, are unable to read the child's needs adequately or perhaps have difficulty distinguishing between their own feelings and those of the child.

Her reproving behaviour in a situation that the child did not intentionally cause triggers feelings of guilt and abandonment in the child. If such experiences with the attachment figure are repeated over months and years, the child develops an insecure attachment. It does not learn to name unpleasant feelings and also does not learn that pain passes and that a fall on a bike does not have to be bad.

Unpredictable behaviour leads to insecure attachment

The child feels lonely and experiences pain, sadness and frustration as threatening because no one gives them security and thus conveys that falls are also part of life. This is because they should not prevent them from discovering the world and experiencing new things. As already mentioned, the sensitivity of the attachment figure is crucial for the development of a secure attachment. However, it should also be said that a crying infant who cannot be soothed for hours can also overwhelm an otherwise sensitive mother.

There are also other factors that lead to an insecure attachment. If the parents' behaviour is unpredictable, a child cannot deal with its own feelings and needs, but is constantly busy assessing the parents' behaviour. This hinders their development and they lack the security of a harbour from which they can explore the world.

Children who have experienced neglect, abuse or maltreatment can also develop an insecure attachment style. They experience the world as a danger and are often anxious. Insecurely attached children often feel bad and develop feelings of guilt, as a result of which they withdraw into themselves.

In kindergarten and school groups, they are more easily overwhelmed and stressed and have more difficulty making friends. They often seem lost in thought and absent-minded in everyday life or behave aggressively. At kindergarten and school age, they are more likely to suffer from attention deficit disorder.

Learning to get help

Emotional problems such as depression or anxiety can also occur. Secure attachments shape the child's behaviour and therefore also later relationships. At kindergarten and school age, securely attached children can socialise more easily with other children and build and maintain friendships. They can seek help from the teacher if necessary because they have learnt that adults will help and support them.

Good bonding experiences allow the child to face new challenges and try out new things. These experiences are important for age-appropriate development. They allow children to devote their full attention and concentration to what is required and show creativity in their play. This makes them more popular with other children and teachers and they receive good feedback about themselves, their feelings and their behaviour. In this way, they develop a healthy self-esteem. A secure attachment is like a harbour that the child can seek out when they are afraid or threatened - and from which they can sail out on calm seas and discover the world.