What to do if your own child chokes another?

Max is 6 years old and has a fight with a seven-year-old boy during the break. He choked him violently. The teacher gave him a warning and punished him. He comes home dejected and tells his mum what happened. Below is an excerpt from the dialogue between Max and his mother, who tries to slow down the conversation.

The mother describes her observation:

Mum: Max, you choked your friend, that's not on. Are you frustrated because you want the ball?
Max: Yes, he never gives it away. He always takes it away from me. He never lets me play with it.
Mum: So Max, would you be happy if you got the ball?
Max: No. I want to play ball with the other children.

The mother asks about feelings and needs:

Mum: Are you sad because you want to play with the other children but they won't let you?
Max: Yes.

The mother shares her feelings and her request with Max:

Mum: I'm worried about the safety and happiness of all the children in the playground. Please tell me what you need so that you can play on this playground and other children don't get hurt.
Max: I don't know.

The mother checks Max's willingness to think about a different strategy:

Mum: Max, would you like to think about what you could do to play along instead of strangling others?
Max: I don't know.

Mum: Are you sad because the talking didn't work?

The mother realises that Max is not ready yet:

Mum: If I want something, I change my words and say, for example: I see you have the yellow ball, can I play with you? Do you want to try using different words?
Max: I told him to give me the ball and he still didn't do it.

The mother realises that her message has not yet reached Max and addresses his frustration:

Mum: I can see that you are still very frustrated because you wanted the ball and didn't get it.

Max: Yes, and I talked, but he still didn't give it to me.
Mum: How did you say that?
Max: Give me the ball!
Mum: Maybe you could try using other words and ask him for the ball? Are you prepared to look for other words?
Max: They would never give me the ball anyway, no matter how I ask for it.

The mother realises that she has been deeply offended:

Mum: Are you sad because the talking didn't work?
Max: Yes, they never listen to me, not a single one of them.
Mum: That makes you very sad. Do you want people to listen to you, but you don't know how to get them to listen?
Max: Yes, Dad doesn't listen to me either.
Mum: You really want people to listen to you.
Max: Yes.

At this point, the mother has Max in the «yes» for the first time. Now the two are in contact. Max feels understood by her and listens to her.

Mum: I'm glad you're confiding your feelings in me. I understand how hopeless you are because people don't give you what you want.
Max: Yes.

Mum: And if it doesn't work, then we'll try something else.

The mother is now clarifying her readiness for the new strategy once again:

Mum: Do you want to try out how the children react when you say «please» instead of «I want»?
Max: Yes.
Mum: If you say «Give me the ball!», it might annoy the children. How about: «Would you be willing to give me the ball?» Max is still unsure.

The mother goes one step further and also paves the way for failure:

Mum: Let's try that. When you've tried it with the other children, come back and tell me. And if it doesn't work, then we'll try something else. Would you be willing to join us?
Max: All right.
Mum: All right. And would you be willing to try this instead of the choking?
Max: All right.