Media use: Negotiating effectively with children

Parenting is often a matter of negotiation. Actually, when I think about it, it always is. We want to parent with as little coercion as possible and establish rules for living together in such a way that the children have to do as little as possible and that most things happen by mutual agreement. This is a commendable and certainly appropriate approach. It teaches children that they cannot just make demands, but must also offer something in return.

However, parents should be aware of a few things before entering into negotiations with their children, for example, regarding the type and duration of use of digital devices such as mobile phones, game consoles or PCs.

Parents need to know what is negotiable.

Firstly, children are arguably the world's best negotiators. Authors of numerous specialist books have long recognised this. Children are often uncompromising and tough in their demands (ideally asking for everything at once), shamelessly exploit advantages and do not shy away from stretching the truth a little («I'm always allowed to have my mobile phone in bed all night at Grandpa's »).

At the same time, they don't take negotiations particularly personally. A heated argument is often forgotten after half an hour and they are back cuddling with mummy. This often makes it difficult for parents to gain the upper hand in negotiations.

Negotiate on equal terms

This brings us straight to the second important point: parents need to know what is negotiable. So you shouldn't even bother discussing how long mobile phones can stay switched on in bed if that's completely out of the question. Children and teenagers only take offers to negotiate seriously if they stand to gain something from them.

Penalties are often part of the agreements made. It is very tempting to link a penalty to a particularly beloved activity: «If you don't take out the rubbish, you can't use your mobile phone.»

Through effective negotiation, children learn to make realistic demands and to argue their case.

However, children do not understand the connection between rubbish and mobile phones, so they perceive this punishment as unfair. What's more, forbidden fruit is often the sweetest. If, on the other hand, the agreed online time is exceeded, there is nothing wrong with restricting mobile phone use.

Negotiations should be conducted on an equal footing and with an open mind. This teaches children to make realistic demands and back up their ideas with arguments. This, in turn, requires parents to listen and be willing to accept good arguments. Therefore, make sure you are well prepared before entering into negotiations.