What to do if the friendship ends unilaterally?
Elisabeth's daughter wants to invite her Chindsgi friend to her birthday party, but she is no longer interested in a friendship. Should the parents resort to white lies or tell the truth? Our team of experts knows what to do.
One question - three opinions
Our daughter had a friend at nursery school. This friendship was very close on both sides. When she started school, they parted ways, partly because we parents couldn't keep in touch. Our daughter continues to talk about her «best friend». Now she has asked us to invite her to her 6th birthday party. The mother's answer was sobering: «We asked our daughter, but unfortunately it's no longer suitable for her.» Should we tell our child the truth or spare her the pain with a white lie?
Elisabeth, 43, Münchenbuchsee BE
That's what our team of experts says:
Children's friendships are less stable and exclusive than is often thought. Children often become friends who - to put it simply - are available and can be played with. These circumstances can change, and so can friendships. Perhaps it's also a good thing if this friend doesn't turn up. Because the familiarity you remember is probably no longer the same. Therefore, simply leave out the «more». Leave your daughter the memory of the beautiful friendship. Missing the old friend will fade when new friendships develop. With children who are there.
Lie. My best colleague cancelled my friendship when I was 13 and it was still hard to bear as a teenager. Children your daughter's age usually find it difficult to categorise decisions of this magnitude. Protect your daughter: take the blame or give organisational reasons. You have to put up with your daughter's disappointment, but don't allow her self-esteem to be damaged. You also run the risk of ruining all subsequent birthdays: Your daughter will always be reminded of the hurt. That doesn't have to be the case, not even for the sake of truth.
You don't have to tell «the truth» or lie to your child; it's enough if you tell your daughter that her friend unfortunately can't come to her birthday party. Children's friendships can sometimes be very stable over a long period of time, sometimes very fleeting - and like all relationships, sometimes one-sided. You don't have to tell the little ones this fact, they realise it themselves over time. Sometimes painfully, but often quite casually, as they realise that their own interest in someone is not necessarily eternal.
The team of experts:
- Annette Cina, 51, works at the Institute for Family Research and Counselling at the University of Freiburg. In her own practice, the psychologist, psychotherapist and mother of three counsels young people and adults. Her research focuses on the prevention of child behavioural disorders, couple conflicts, parenting and stress.
- Andrea Jansen, 44, is the founder of the parenting platform Mal-ehrlich.ch. The journalist, entrepreneur and foundation board member was previously a television presenter and producer at SRF. Andrea Jansen has three children aged 7, 9 and 11. She lives with her family in Hawaii and Zurich.
- Peter Schneider, 66, is a psychoanalyst, columnist and satirist. He used to be a professor of educational and developmental psychology at the University of Bremen and is still a private lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Zurich. Father and husband of an adult son and an adult wife from and in his first marriage.
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