What to do if the child is lying?

Sometimes the children come home from school and tell an exciting story; events that move them. Sometimes it's also a story that makes them sad, such as a fight or even a physical altercation with a friend. We parents reflexively show solidarity with them. A reaction that is absolutely normal, but may not be very helpful. Because: If you ask the other side, the dispute is described differently. So what is true? In most cases, it's not a question of children lying in unequal versions of such stories. Rather, not all children and adults perceive situations in the same way.

Flunking as a developmental step

Sometimes, however, children simply have a more flexible approach to the truth. As part of a scientific experiment, the psychologist and behavioural researcher Kang Lee invited children to take part in an experiment which, due to its special setting, really tempted them to cheat. The children were then asked whether they would have done so. It turned out that around a third of the two-year-olds had lied, half of the three-year-olds and 80 per cent of the four-year-olds. Of the even older children, practically none had told the truth. This leads to the conclusion that the little ones must have something to be able to lie, i.e. fibbing obviously goes hand in hand with the development of social skills.

Sometimes we also lie out of politeness. There are even situations in which we parents wish children weren't so honest.

Why people lie

There are different reasons that cause children and adults to be less than truthful. For example, children are afraid of the consequences - or they have already realised their mistake but don't know how they can do something else. Their only option is to deny it. Sometimes we also lie to please or do it out of politeness. There are even situations in which we parents wish children weren't so honest - or would at least keep quiet. Almost all mums and dads are familiar with moments when children loudly and clearly assess another person's appearance: «Mummy, why is that man so fat?» Or have you ever been in a situation where you felt compelled to compliment someone on their new hairstyle, for example, but didn't feel like it? The film «Liar Liar» by Tom Shadyac, starring Jim Carrey, is a humorous account of the complications you can get into when you can no longer lie. Because the main protagonist always promises more than he can deliver, his son's wish comes true: Dad can no longer lie - and promptly finds himself in a series of difficult and embarrassing situations.

Understanding the motives behind lies

Children of pre-school and, depending on their development, early school age sometimes tell fantastic stories that are mixed with real-life events. We adults don't usually realise straight away that there's a catch. It is only gradually that we realise that there is something wrong with the story. Such a situation could take place as follows, for example:

Enya comes to the kindergarten and tells the other children and the kindergarten teacher that she is moving with her parents. In the course of the story, she mentions that her parents are moving to Canada with her because her dad has a new job there. The nursery school teacher can't quite place Enya's story, especially as the girl only moved there two months ago. That's why she finds it hard to believe that her parents want to move again - especially when they have only just realised their dream of owning their own home.

What is behind this fictitious situation that could have happened? It is possible, for example, that Enya's parents have planned a holiday trip to Canada, combined with a business trip for her father. Or the girl has a great deal of imagination: after looking at a book about the animals in Canada with her godmother, she dreams of seeing them in the wild, and so one thing leads to another. Or Enya invents a story that she combines in some way with her wealth of experience in order to make herself important or to attract attention. Thinking about her story and possible interpretations raises questions that concern us all: Where does the fantasy end and the lie begin? And how should we adults deal with such situations?

It seems important to me that we try to understand children and their motives, regardless of the presumed motive. When we realise that children are spicing up an adventurous story with a dash of fantasy, we are entitled to ask ourselves whether we want to take the magic out of the situation and how much reality we want to impose on our offspring - regardless of the fact that the truth is of course very important for family and social coexistence.

«When you first realise that your two-year-old is lying to you, you have reason to celebrate,» says behavioural scientist Kang Lee.

Caught out by the scam - what now?

If, on the other hand, we expose a statement as a clear lie, we can remind children how important it is to tell the truth and work on this with them. Morality certainly plays a role here, but the values of living together, such as mutual trust, are even more important. However, the discussion with the child who has obviously lied should not be about guilt or punishment. Instead, we can think together about how trust can be restored in the given case. Very important: the child should know and feel that we like them despite their lie.

Lying is an extremely complex subject, and there are many shades of grey between fantasy, a bit of cheating and a downright lie. Fortunately, there is good and detailed literature on the subject - if you like, you can read up on it. As a general rule, if lies are taking up too much space in the relationship with the child, it is important to seek professional help, both as a parent and as a teacher. Sometimes, however, we can simply overlook an inconsistency with a smile when our protégés charm us or wrap us around their little finger. Or to quote the researcher Kang Lee: «The first time you realise that your two-year-old child is lying to you, you have reason to celebrate. Your child has signalled that it has taken the next step in its development.»