What role do grandparents play in parenting?

Mr Guyer, what memories do you have of your grandparents?

Two very different ones: My maternal grandparents, who lived in Welschland, always had a very uncomplicated atmosphere, like an extended family with lots of cousins. There was a relaxed atmosphere and there was always something going on. My father's watchmaking family in the Töss Valley, on the other hand, prioritised order and precision. For me as a child, it was exciting to find my way in both worlds.

What was the relationship like between your grandparents and your parents? Do you remember any conflict situations?

Yes - primarily between my mother and my paternal grandmother. Her ideas on how to bring up children, including how to dress, did not coincide with my mother's views.

How did she deal with it?

She looked for support from my father, and when she didn't receive it, there were sometimes arguments between my mother and grandmother. She made me and my siblings understand that we shouldn't take our grandmother's somewhat outdated ideas so seriously.

Today, parents come to you when they have difficulties with their grandparents. What are the most common reasons why someone then seeks your help?

I can give you a few examples: Young parents come to us with the problem that their parents or parents-in-law are interfering too much in their children's upbringing or in their partnership. The grandparents want to decide which playgroup or leisure activities are best for their grandchildren. Or the parents are bothered by the fact that the grandparents spoil their grandchildren too much, especially in material terms, «buying» them, so to speak.

Most parents then seek help because this conflict also affects their relationship. The daughter-in-law or son-in-law wants more loyalty from their partner, while their partner may not be able to set themselves apart or assert themselves enough towards their own parents.

Some parents fall back into the parenting patterns they suffered from as a child.

Do conflicts between grandparents and parents often stem from the fact that they contradict each other when it comes to authorising and forbidding?

In this context, I notice that the relationship between those seeking advice and their parents is often perceived and described as very friendly. Their own mother is practically their best friend, and now she is suddenly doing things with the grandchildren that they themselves or, above all, their partner do not approve of. It may well be that the grandparents allow the grandchildren to do something that the parents object to.

However, it is then difficult for the daughter to assert herself against her own mother because she is ambivalent: on the one hand, she feels the need to distance herself, but also feels the desire for confirmation and support from her own mother. That's why I always prick up my ears when people say that their relationship with their own parents is very friendly.

This means that the generational divide is less pronounced today.

Clearly, yes. But it is important for the independence of parents, also in their role as carers. So the process of detachment is - of necessity - often only set in motion late, when you have children of your own.

How do you help when a couple suffers from the dominance of their parents or parents-in-law - especially when it comes to bringing up their children?

First of all, I would like to emphasise that it is an illusion to assume that the relationship between the couple and their parents or parents-in-law has to be conflict-free. Tensions between the generations are nothing out of the ordinary - and it is a great challenge to always find out together what is right for both of them.

In my counselling work in such situations, it is always crucial to strengthen the parents. After all, they are responsible for their children and should also decide how they want to bring them up. The more aware they are of this, the more clearly they can represent their ideas to the outside world, to their own parents or parents-in-law. Of course, it is important that the couple look for solutions together and pull in the same direction.

When you become a mum or dad, your relationship with your parents also changes. On the one hand, this can mean that you feel a great appreciation for everything your parents have gone through with you and done for you. Or it can also mean that you realise what you don't want to do with your own child the way you experienced it yourself.

Yes - and parents usually experience an either-or situation, rarely both. On the one hand, it would be nice to feel this aforementioned appreciation, but also to realise what you would like to do differently as a mother or father, in your own way. However, some parents, especially in stressful situations, fall back into the same parenting patterns that they themselves suffered from as a child. In this case, it certainly makes sense to take a closer look and work through these past experiences.

Grandparents are often more relaxed with their grandchildren than they were with their own children.

After parents and nursery school teachers, grandma and grandad are the most important carers for children under the age of six. What makes the relationship between grandchildren and grandparents so special?

Grandparents don't usually have to be with their children every day. They can do things with their grandchildren, but can «hand them over» again after a certain time - without having the same responsibility as a mother or father. I speak from my own experience, as I have four grandchildren myself.

Grandchildren often give their grandparents the feeling of staying young, of being needed, of leading a meaningful life.

That's right. Personally, I'm always amazed at how interested my grandchildren are in my parents and grandparents, in other words in my family history. And it's nice that I can pass on things that I like and that are important to me. For example, I am and have always been very fond of travelling on the water: as a rower, sailor, in a canoe. And I am now passing these activities on to my grandchildren.

And what can grandparents learn from their grandchildren?

A lot! I find the curiosity that grandchildren bring with them very inspiring. I also find it remarkable nowadays how even young children deal with new technologies and how quickly they pick it all up. As a grandparent, you are often more relaxed when dealing with grandchildren than you perhaps were with your own children. Many are now less stressed, especially if they were very busy at work as parents and couldn't spend as much time with their children.

How does the grandparent-child relationship differ from the parent-child relationship?

One major difference is that the main responsibility and competence for parenting lies with the parents. Education is a matter for parents. Grandparents are an important addition and enrichment. They look after the grandchildren, but they do not bring them up. Conflicts arise where grandparents have a significant influence on the upbringing of their grandchildren. I sometimes recommend that the couple come to counselling together with the grandparents.

A phrase often heard from children is: «Grandparents have more sweets, more television, more attention.» Is it really so bad when grandparents spoil their grandchildren?

Certainly not to a healthy extent. I like to remember how we were allowed to go to bed with our grandmother when we were on holiday with her and she would feed us colourful sweets. My parents didn't do that. To stay with the example, it's different when children are overweight and their grandparents keep giving them lots of sweets against their parents' wishes. That is certainly problematic.

Have you ever experienced the need for a time-out, i.e. a stop or break in contact between grandparents and grandchildren?

Rarely. But if the grandparents' dominance becomes so overwhelming that conflicts between the parents increase, it may make sense to advise a break in the relationship during which there is no contact with the grandparents.

Grandparents look after more than half of the children of pre-school age who are looked after by others. Parents are therefore also dependent on this support. But what happens when the children are older and the grandparents are no longer as «needed»?

I often notice that far too little is said about this in advance. As parents, you are often very dependent on this grandparental help for a certain period of time, but when the grandchildren are more independent, the grandparents sometimes almost have the feeling that they are superfluous and no longer play a major role. This is not easy for either side, and I therefore recommend talking about such impending changes in good time and clarifying how the relationship between the grandparents and grandchildren could be organised in the future.

How could the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren change as the children get older?

If the grandparents are able to adapt to the changing needs of the growing grandchildren, a trusting relationship with new qualities can emerge: For example, grandchildren can then discuss topics with their grandparents that they don't necessarily want to talk about with their parents, such as lovesickness or bad grades.

Young people often find it easier to confide in their grandparents rather than their parents.

Sometimes grandparents are also helpful when it comes to helping with schoolwork. Ideally, a relationship can also grow by becoming increasingly reciprocal; for example, when the grandchild takes on tasks around the house or in the garden that have become burdensome for the grandparents.

Grandparents are often confidants of their grandchildren. How do you deal with it as a grandparent when a grandchild confides a secret or problem that the child's parents don't know about?

It certainly depends on the content of the secret: If it is something very serious that has great significance in the child's life, it may be appropriate to look together with the grandchild at whether you would like to involve the parents after all. Some children, and especially teenagers, actually find it easier to confide in their grandpa or grandma because the relationship with them is less close and therefore less prone to conflict than with their own parents. And that is often worth a lot.