«I don't want my grandma to kiss me»

«Why don't you ask Sarah?»

I don't like it when my grandma kisses me every time I go to her house. She says she loves me and I really like her too. But I still don't want that. I can't tell her that because she would probably be sad.
Fiona, 9

Dear Fiona
I really like how empathetic you are towards your grandma. You don't want to hurt her feelings. That's extremely noble of you.

At the same time, you feel that something inside you is reluctant to let her kiss you. I had a godmother who did the same thing to me. I had to take a running start every time to let her kiss me. And I didn't like it either - just like you. But I loved my godmother anyway - just like you love your grandma.

It used to be customary for children to give their relatives a kiss: to say hello, to say goodbye and, of course, to say thank you for a gift. It was expected of children. It was also completely normal for adults, even strangers, to touch small children on the face. This still happens from time to time today, but I don't think it's really okay. You don't walk down the street and when you see an adult, you go up and pat them on the head, do you?

Everyone has a different need for closeness and physical contact. And this need should always be respected. This means that if you don't like kisses, you can say so - and with a clear conscience! Because you're not taking anything away from your grandma. She can still see you and spend time with you. Maybe just ask her if you can give her a quick hug or squeeze instead of a kiss. Tell her that you're already big now and would rather not be kissed.

Recognising needs

You can learn something very important for your whole life from this. It's about realising what is good for you and what is not. It's called recognising your needs.

The second step is about being able to communicate your needs. It's no good if only you know what you need and what you don't need. The other people around you should also know. There is no guarantee that your needs can be met in every case, but if those around you know about them, the chances are much higher.

You are welcome to explain to your parents that it is extremely important that a child's «no» is respected.

And as a third step, you can learn how to realise your needs yourself. This is also the most difficult point. Especially as a child, you unfortunately don't always have the opportunity to decide whether and what you can do for yourself or what you would rather do without. However, it's worth trying again and again, especially if these are really important needs.

Let's come back to your grandma's kisses: it's quite possible that your parents won't be happy if you stop accepting kisses from grandma from now on. But then you're welcome to explain to them that as a child you learn to say no to such - actually small - things. And that it is extremely important that a child's no is respected.

Saying no can be vital

Did you know that many children say no at the dinner table because they are already full and don't want to finish their plate? Their need for food is literally satiated. They realise that their stomach is full and they no longer have an appetite. Unfortunately, however, there are many parents who do not accept this no.

You want your child to learn to eat their plate empty. Of course, there is an important message behind this: You shouldn't throw food away. However, the approach should be that the child learns to scoop as much onto their plate as they can eat. This doesn't always work and sometimes there is still leftover food. That's not so bad.

Every child who experiences that their «no» is respected learns to protect themselves from major dangers by saying «no». For example, saying no to going with strangers can be vital. It is a no to risks.

A «no, thank you» to a kiss from your grandma is only a no to a kiss and not a no to your grandma. She will certainly understand that.