«My child can do anything with their grandparents!»
For most families, childhood also means spending time with grandma and nonno! After all, according to the Federal Statistical Office, 40 per cent of grandparents look after their grandchildren at least once a week until they are teenagers, a further 18 per cent do so at least once a month and 14 per cent mainly during the holidays.
But it's not just the parents who are relieved of time and financial burdens - there are also many advantages for the grandchild-grandparent team. For example, a study by the Max Planck Institute shows that senior citizens who look after their grandchildren live longer.
According to various studies, an active, positive relationship with the grandchild also appears to be associated with better mental health, higher self-esteem and fewer depressive symptoms in old age - as long as the care is voluntary and does not get out of hand.
The grandchildren also benefit from regular contact and a close emotional bond with their grandparents: they develop more resilience and social skills, are more emotionally stable, show fewer behavioural problems and depressive symptoms and perform better at school.
The child's development will hardly suffer if he or she eats a lot more sweets or watches a lot more television on Grandma's Day than at home.
So everything is fine? Not at all! In addition to all these positive aspects, the triangle between grandparents, parents and (grand)children also harbours potential for conflict. According to various surveys, the most frequent disputes revolve around the topics of discipline, nutrition and media use. Many parents are particularly annoyed that the child is allowed to do everything at the grandparents' house.
If you are familiar with this frustration, I would like to recommend the following self-check:
1. «Is what I'm angry about actually affecting my child's development?»
We are responsible for the safety of our children and must react when others endanger them: For example, if grandparents intimidate, belittle, shame, physically or emotionally hurt the child. If they allow them to watch programmes that are not age-appropriate. If they influence the child to give them kisses or hide things from their parents. It is then important to talk to the grandparents, express your own concerns and points of view and, if necessary, organise the contact differently in order to protect the child.
On the other hand, our child's development will hardly suffer if he or she eats gummy bears and ice cream on Grandma's Day in addition to the chocolate bar or watches much more television than at home.
2. «What (other) opportunities do I give grandparents to spoil their grandchildren?»
Many parents today are very closely involved with their children, catering to them and their needs, organising their leisure activities and meal planning around them. As a result, it often feels to grandparents as if the grandparent highlights they remember from their own childhood, such as cooking their favourite meal, going on great outings, playing something nice or chatting quietly with their grandchildren, are nothing special any more.
Perhaps this perspective will help us to be a little gentler and more forgiving when some grandparents then resort to pampering programmes that are left to them: more sweets, extra media time, gifts. Physically impaired grandparents in particular, who can only do so much, often see this as their only opportunity to give their grandchildren «something special».
3. «What is this really about?»
Often, parental frustration also reflects a life issue that doesn't really belong in the grandparent-grandchild relationship. Let's take a look at various examples:
Fear of losing the bond
Time and again, I observe how much mothers in particular sacrifice themselves for their children and how much it hurts them to be written off when grandma or grandpa are around. Jealousy starts to grow. Instead of admitting to yourself that it simply stresses you out not to be able to be such a constant playmate for your own child in everyday life, you accuse grandma and grandpa of revolving too much around your grandchild with their entertainment and pampering programme. In this situation, you can realise that the relationship with the grandparents is complementary and not competitive and that you yourself gain more time and freedom as a result.
I see many grandfathers who envy their sons' presence and close relationship with their children - and regret not having taken more care of their offspring in the past.
Tearing open old wounds
I recently got talking to a grandad who was carrying his one-and-a-half-year-old grandson to sleep in a baby carrier on a walk. He smiled and told me how new this was for him - he had never done this with his own children. Watching this can be painful for some parents. How much they would have wished for this as a child! The question quickly arises: «Why didn't my parents do this with me?»
How can you deal with this feeling? An important step is to give yourself permission to mourn what you missed as a child. At the same time, we can make an effort to better understand what shaped our own parents' parenting behaviour back then. And who is to say that they didn't feel the same way we do? I see many grandfathers around me who envy their (in-law) sons for their presence and close relationship with their children - and in retrospect regret not having taken more care of their offspring in the past.
In addition, a conscious decision to be generous can help here: «I wish my child the very best and would like him to be cared for by his grandparents in this way. If I allow myself to do this, it can also be beneficial to see how much my parents have developed.»
4 «Is that really a sign of a lack of respect for me and my boundaries?»
Many parents find it a thorn in their side when grandparents are more relaxed about the rules. How much they would like to have support - especially when it comes to issues that make them feel insecure and that they struggle with as parents, such as media time or nutrition. Other behaviour is quickly seen as a personal attack or even an overstepping of boundaries. We can ask ourselves: is this really the case? Or do we simply find it difficult to concede to grandparents that they are not service providers, but have a mind of their own and are allowed to handle certain things differently as long as they do not jeopardise our child?
In any case, I hope that my own children, if they make me a grandmother one day, will turn a blind eye here and there - in the knowledge that I mean well.
