What makes children strong in everyday life

By self-confidence, we mean an assessment of our own competence. We have a healthy level of self-confidence when we have confidence in ourselves, do not give up immediately when faced with difficulties, pursue our own goals and take on challenges.

The term goes back to the American psychologist and philosopher William James, who wrote as early as 1890 that our self-confidence grows when we achieve success. Today, psychologists usually speak of self-efficacy, by which they mean the conviction that we can make a difference through our own actions.

A child's self-confidence develops when it is allowed to experience things again and again in everyday life:

• I can do something! I have strengths and talents.
• I make progress when I make an effort and practise.
• I can solve problems independently.
• I can deal with failures and setbacks.
• I can face my worries and fears and overcome them.
• Others take up my ideas and let me inspire them.

Here are six tips on how parents can strengthen their child in everyday life and how the child can develop healthy self-confidence.

Tip 1: Use problems to strengthen your child

Children encounter problems again and again in the course of their lives. As parents, we often feel pressurised into providing an immediate solution for our child. In doing so, we overlook the fact that every problem is also an opportunity for the child to grow and develop important problem-solving skills.

By helping only as much as necessary and involving the child more and more in the development of a solution, we guide them to overcome difficulties themselves. As parents, we can be there for our child when they talk about problems, listen to them, guide them to think about possible solutions by asking questions, and enquire with interest about what has worked and what has not. At the same time, we adults can be inspired to reflect by such situations: What could my child learn from this? How could we grow as a family in the face of this obstacle?

The confidence to be able to cope with failure in the future does not come from never having to overcome difficulties.

If the problems are too big, we should intervene. But in the case of minor conflicts and difficulties, it is more helpful for the child if we signal to them that we have confidence in them rather than trying to remove every stone from their path.

The confidence to be able to cope with failures, setbacks and problems in the future does not come from never having to overcome difficulties. It comes when we have learnt that we can get up again when we fall down, find solutions when we think, and have people in the background who are there for us, support us and have confidence in us.

Tip 2: Show your child that it pays to be persistent

In order to learn to solve difficult tasks and engage with something new, we need a good dose of frustration tolerance. The more a child thinks they have to understand and be able to do everything immediately, the more difficult it will be for them to persevere with something.

For US psychologist Carol Dweck, it is helpful if children develop a dynamic rather than a static self-concept. People with a dynamic self-concept assume that they can develop and learn. They think: «I can't do that yet» and set to work with perseverance and interest. People with a static self-concept, on the other hand, think: «I can do this - and I can't do that.»

Children benefit from adults who see progress and are happy about it with the child.

Research shows that the self-concept acts like a self-fulfilling prophecy: Those who believe that talent and intelligence are the most important factors quickly give up when mistakes and failures occur. Those who believe that they can learn and develop a lot remain persistent, are more likely to overcome setbacks and are less afraid of challenges.

As parents and kindergarten teachers, we can promote a dynamic self-image in children by repeatedly emphasising the connection between practice and success. Children benefit from adults who see progress (even small progress, depending on the child), are happy about it with the child and make them realise that skills develop over time and that their own efforts pay off.

Tip 3: Tell your child about your own difficulties

We can also help children to be more persistent by offering ourselves as a model. It is helpful if children can experience time and again in everyday life that not everything is easy for their parents either.

If parents remain patient and persistent when faced with difficulties and say to themselves: «OK, relax, you've made a mistake somewhere, read the instructions again carefully», the children watching them will realise that it sometimes takes a little patience to find a solution.

Children with high self-esteem like themselves and treat themselves with love.

In this sense, it is also helpful if we tell children from time to time about our own difficulties and how we stand up to them. In 1965, Canadian sociology professor Morris Rosenberg defined self-esteem as an attitude or stance we take towards ourselves. According to his definition, a person with high self-esteem feels «good enough»; they believe that they are valuable as a person and can accept themselves with their positive and negative facets - without admiring themselves or expecting others to do so.

Self-esteem is therefore not centred on competence, but on the acceptance of one's own personality. Children with high self-esteem like themselves and treat themselves with love.

In order to develop this attitude, we need experiences with other people that make us feel lovable. Your child's self-esteem will be strengthened if, for example, they are allowed to experience this:

• I have parents who listen to me, take time for me and understand me.
• I have friends who like me and accept me for who I am.
• We have a kindergarten teacher who is interested in us and takes us seriously.
• I feel integrated and welcome in my family.
• My parents catch me when I stumble. They also like me when I can't do something or don't fulfil their expectations.
• My environment recognises my strengths, positive qualities and likeable sides and acknowledges my weaknesses.

We develop a high level of self-esteem when we can experience that we are part of a community that accepts, understands and respects us and in which we feel safe.

Tip 4: I like spending time with you

As parents, we do a lot for our children. Sometimes, however, in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, we miss out on the most important thing: spending quality time together.
Whenever we spend time with our children and give them the feeling that we are enjoying being with them, laughing together, experiencing something, romping and wrestling and listening to each other, we not only strengthen our relationship with the child, but also their self-esteem.

Tip 5: Let your child help you

Our self-esteem grows when we give something back to a community and are allowed to take on responsibility. Let your child help you cook, ask them to run a small errand or look after a younger sibling for a moment.

If the task is challenging and your child feels that their help is really taking the pressure off you, they will realise that they are needed - a wonderful feeling.

Tip 6: We accept you for who you are

«Don't make such a fuss!», «There's no need to be afraid of that», «It's no big deal»: we adults quickly succumb to the temptation to deny children their feelings. We often even want to help them.

Children are better able to recognise and deal with their feelings if we allow them to do so. To do this, it is usually enough for us to name the feeling («this is really upsetting you right now») and trust that the child can deal with their frustration or sadness.