«We have to become crisis managers of our everyday family life»

Mrs Bürgi-Dollet, children are still physically punished in this country. Every fifth child gets a slap on the bum, every tenth gets a slap in the face. How can that be?

You refer to the latest survey by the University of Fribourg on the punitive behaviour of parents, which was commissioned by Child Protection Switzerland. It shows that almost 40 per cent of parents surveyed use physical violence - such as hitting, pushing or pulling hair - of which 6 per cent do so regularly. Over 20 per cent of the parents surveyed regularly use psychological violence.

What is psychological violence?

As soon as I emotionally violate a child's dignity, personality or integrity, we speak of psychological violence. This includes hurting the child with words, humiliating, insulting or verbally abusing them. Or threatening to hit them or deprive them of love. This form of violence has many faces and is sometimes difficult to recognise or notice.

Can you give us an example?

Anyone who repeatedly asks their child not to fidget at the table and then sees the full glass of water tip over often reacts angrily. Now, there is a difference between me scolding «You should be careful, now get a cloth and wipe up the water!» and «How can you be so stupid, you always do everything wrong!». The latter statement violates the child's personality and should be categorised as psychological violence.

It's not the good intentions that come up in the hustle and bustle, but the inherited patterns.

Physical violence is easier to recognise. But there is certainly a grey area here too.

As soon as I use my strength as an adult and want to inflict pain on the child and the child feels uncomfortable, we speak of physical violence. This can be severe forms such as spanking or lighter ones such as a slap in the face or a slap on the bum. But of course you are right, the context also plays a role.

If my small child runs into the street, I have no choice but to grab him firmly and pull him back. In this case, I use my physical superiority to protect my child and not because I am so overwhelmed that I don't know what else to do or want to hurt my child.

And yet 98 per cent of parents surveyed are in favour of a non-violent upbringing and want to enshrine the right to this in law - a remarkable discrepancy. Why is it so difficult to completely renounce violence in parenting?

First of all, there is still a section of the population that trivialises light corporal punishment. According to the motto: A slap on the bum never hurt anyone. Beyond that, however, the majority of parents want to avoid violence. There are several reasons why they do not always succeed in achieving this non-violence.

Violence is almost always a reaction to excessive demands.

Risk factors such as poverty, unemployment, loneliness, addiction or other mental illnesses can favour violence because they are very stressful. But regardless of this, it has to be said that being a parent is a demanding task. Children demand your full attention, especially in the early years, but also beyond that, in addition to the lack of sleep and all the other tasks that need to be done.

In other words, the balancing act between care, domestic and paid work.

That's right. Every mum and dad wants the best for their child and very few of them harm their child on purpose. When this constant stress is compounded by a difficult situation, perhaps a child who cries and refuses to play, this is the straw that breaks the camel's back. In other words, violence is almost always a reaction to excessive demands. It's like a pressure cooker: the pressure is constantly increasing and at some point it has to come out. This is not the right way, but it is understandable.

In addition, many mothers and fathers today want to raise their own children in a less authoritarian way than they themselves experienced. To what extent is this problematic?

Our brain is structured in such a way that in stressful situations it does what it does best, what we have learnt from an early age. This is a survival strategy. So it's not my good intentions that come to the fore in hectic everyday family life, but the patterns that my own parents passed on to me.

Getting out of this spiral is very difficult. It is also necessary to scrutinise your own upbringing. If this leads you to decide in favour of a different parenting style to that of your own parents, it can be difficult and requires a lot of willpower and personal commitment.

Especially as social expectations put you under additional pressure.

That's right. We should be a good mum and a good dad. We should encourage our children as much as possible, spend a lot of time with them, but also work, look after our partnership and ourselves. But the latter in particular is often neglected in everyday life.

Parents today seem to have problems finding their own attitude.

Parenting models such as needs-orientated parenting propagate an absolute focus on the child.

A loving attentiveness, yes, but without completely forgetting yourself. It's not just about respecting the child's boundaries, but also recognising your own and pointing out: «You want to play with me? I'd love to, but first I need 20 minutes to myself, I've had a busy day.» In these 20 minutes, I can recharge my batteries so that I have more resources for the child. If you only ever pull yourself together for the sake of the children, give and give some more, you will burn out and end up exploding more violently than if you had pulled the ripcord at an earlier point.

Where does this focus on the child come from, which did not exist in previous generations?

First of all, it is positive that children today are recognised and supported in their needs. Nobody wants to go back to the old authoritarian attitude. However, it seems that parents today have problems finding and defending their own stance. One reason for this is certainly the huge flood of information, which is unsettling. People no longer know what is valid.

One expert propagates a certain parenting style, which the next rejects. Of course, mums and dads should acquire developmental knowledge, but it's about finding a healthy middle ground that incorporates your own values and personality. And to always be reflective: What is important to me and what do I want? This inner attitude also makes parents more resistant to comments and expectations from outside: they are the experts for their child - not the neighbours.

You run the «Strong parents - strong children» courses for Child Protection Switzerland. In these courses, you teach parents how to practise non-violent parenting. What do you teach the participants?

Parents often come to us with their problems and want us to give them a recipe. But if I want to make lasting changes in my family, it takes time and patience. Firstly, I have to do other work: What values do I hold? What are my parenting goals? How can I communicate non-violently with my children and my partner? In the course of this self-examination, parents often realise that the supposed problem isn't really that big: «Aha, actually, order at home isn't that important to me.»

And the list of problems is not that long.

Exactly. That alone takes a lot of pressure off. The aim of these courses is for mums and dads to get to know their values and themselves better and to feel competent to resolve their conflicts in the family. To this end, they develop a kind of «toolbox» during the course.

Let's look at an example from everyday family life. Let's say your eight-year-old daughter has arranged to meet a friend. She is looking forward to this meeting, but keeps putting off going until she says she doesn't feel like it any more. This behaviour triggers the father. He wants his daughter to keep the appointment. He is uncomfortable that the other family has to wait. How should he react?

It would be good if the father knows his daughter so well that he knows in advance that this situation could become difficult. After all, it's usually recurring themes that put a strain on family life. This way, he can prepare his daughter for the start early enough: «Hey, you've made an appointment with Mia today, you have to get ready in fifteen minutes.» When the time comes and the child doesn't want to go, the father should explain what it's all about: «Listen, that's your friend, she's waiting, now it's important that you go too.»

And if the child still doesn't want to?

Then it's probably time to hand over responsibility to the daughter: she has organised the meeting - it's her business. She must therefore call her colleague and defend her decision. This procedure requires a certain emotional commitment from the parents, because the child will protest: «Of course not!» Then the father can say: «But look, I didn't make the deal with Mia, you did, and now you have to act.»

If I know my emotions, I can fulfil my needs.

As a parent, you have to ask yourself the question: What is important to me to teach my child? Do I want them to go no matter what or do I want them to learn to take responsibility for their decisions and actions? That way, as a parent, I can act in accordance with my values and beliefs. It's good if it's right for both sides in the end, which isn't feasible in every situation. But that's different from forcing the child and using physical or psychological violence.

This is certainly possible for a play date. What about other appointments, such as a visit to the dentist? You shouldn't cancel it every time.

Of course not. That is a different case - and difficult, especially if the upcoming visit to the dentist is associated with fear. As parents, you should first recognise and accept your child's emotions. Then you should try to be creative. In most cases, pressure is useless. The question is: How can I give my child the confidence to go there without fear? In any case, it is helpful to talk to them about it early on, to watch a book with younger children and a video on the subject with slightly older ones. Because the difficult thing for children is not knowing what is coming, what will happen to them. This triggers fear and aversion. The information gives the child some security and the situation becomes predictable.

That sounds understandable and logical - but also very time-consuming. However, everyday life with children is sometimes difficult to plan and unpredictable.

You're right! What helps is not to schedule everyday life too tightly, i.e. to set priorities. What do we really want to do, what do we really have to do? And where do we set ourselves apart and say no to a request? Once we are in this negative spiral, it is difficult to stop it. However, if you take the time to allow children to anticipate and help shape things, everyday situations become more attractive. Because everyone has the feeling of being heard. You also get to know your child and their needs: «Oh, these are situations that my child finds difficult. How can I help him?» The good thing is that most parents feel the same way and you learn over the years.

You should take responsibility for your feelings and not be afraid of those of your children.

You say that emotions play a major role when it comes to violence in parenting. On the one hand, the emotions of the children, but also those of the parents.

It takes many years before children are able to regulate their emotions, and young children need the support of their parents for a long time to regulate their emotions. Many mothers and fathers are overwhelmed by their children's sometimes very strong tantrums. They often have difficulties regulating their strong feelings themselves. The emotions are contagious and parents find it difficult to accept the strength of these feelings without feeling attacked themselves.

Many mothers and fathers have learnt in their own childhood that they are not allowed to have these feelings: «Stop shouting, don't act like that, it's not so bad!» Anger and sadness have negative connotations and are not allowed. And that's why parents are overwhelmed when their children react in this way. They weren't allowed to do it themselves. So how are they supposed to deal with it now? No one has shown them how.

And so you react with violence. So what to do?

If we adults deal more with our own emotions and needs, we have a better chance of reacting more calmly in everyday life. If I don't recognise my feelings, I fall into an escalation spiral from which I find it difficult to find my way out. But if I know my emotions, I can fulfil my needs. That makes me mentally strong. We need to become crisis managers of our everyday family life.

Admitting that you need help is a sign of strength.

How does that work?

By being attentive: Ah, okay, I know this situation, now it's here, how can I behave now? Last time I shouted, I don't want that. This time I'm leaving the room and communicating this to my child: «Look, I need five minutes now, but I'll be back.» You should take responsibility for your feelings and not be afraid of your children's feelings. As an adult, I am always responsible.

How can I recognise that things are not going well in my everyday family life and that we should fundamentally change something?

When I notice that I often don't feel well and am constantly overwhelmed. There can be many signs of this: Tiredness, isolation, lack of motivation, constant arguments in the family, perhaps violence, even psychological violence. It's important to be honest with yourself and react early. You may also have to let go of your image of a happy, well-functioning family and admit to yourself that you need help. Admitting this to yourself and asking for support, perhaps even attending a parenting course, is a sign of strength.