«Doing nothing feels wrong»

Mum: Good evening, I would like to talk to you about a situation that I am currently facing and don't know what to do.

Counsellor: Good evening. We can try to find out together what the next step could be.

Mum: With pleasure. My son is 14 years old and has had a girlfriend for a few weeks. They have known each other for a long time and we really like the girl. Now this friend has written a letter to my son in which she tells him about severe violence at home. We are very upset at the moment. (The mum is crying.)

Counsellor : You have a lot going on in your life at the moment. Would you like us to give your turmoil some peace and attention - I have time - or would you prefer to continue the conversation about your son?

Mum: I would like to continue the conversation. I just don't know what to do.

I shouldn't even know about all this because the girl doesn't want anyone to know.

Mother

Counsellor: I hear about this young love between your son and his girlfriend and your joy about it. At the same time, the two of them, and you too, are confronted with a violent story that triggers a lot. I hear about your uncertainty about what to do with this information, about your concern and perhaps also about your regret for your son and his first love, which cannot begin without a carefree start.

Mum: Exactly, and the girl also told my son not to tell anyone about it. The first problem is that I'm not supposed to know any of this. That makes it even more difficult.

Overwhelmed with knowledge

Counsellor: This really is a dilemma you are facing. You see this friendship and the growing trust. Something special is developing. You recognise this and want to treat it with care. At the same time, you realise that this girl needs protection and you feel responsible to stand up for this protection.

Mum: Yes, it's actually really nice how much trust connects the two of them. But I also realise that this knowledge is too much for my son. That's why he showed me the letter. It wasn't easy for him and he's afraid that he's betraying her trust.

Counsellor: I am glad that he has taken this step. He feels that this information is too much for him and is confiding in you. Listening to you, I get the impression that doing nothing is not an option for you. Otherwise you would probably not call, but simply decide to do nothing. Where are your thoughts on this at the moment?

Mother: It really is like that. Doing nothing feels wrong. I'm aware of something that I can't look away from, but I also don't want to go behind their backs or jeopardise the friendship between my son and his girlfriend. Maybe she'll be happy if someone reacts. But it could also be that she reproaches my son or withdraws.

Your clear stance that you don't want to look the other way, but want to act, gives everyone involved support.

Counsellor

Counsellor: Your thoughts make sense to me, and I also see these uncertainties. Even though you are currently upset, you are managing to weigh things up and think ahead with a great deal of clarity and foresight. In my opinion, your uncertainty about the next step does not stem from the fact that you have not yet found «the right thing», but that there is no simple right and wrong in this situation.

I hear two things very clearly from you: Your knowledge requires action, because the girl must be given some form of protection. I also hear clarity on the point that you don't want to initiate something behind your son and his girlfriend's back.

Mum: Yes, that's true.

Meeting the Son with clarity

Counsellor: I find this clarity helpful and it gives the whole thing a framework. You have made this decision in your role as a mother. You take responsibility for taking action. Of course it would feel good if your son consented. But it would be too much for him to have to give his consent.

I therefore think it is important that you meet your son with this inner clarity: I have knowledge of something that I cannot look away from, I will not leave you alone! I will not betray you, I will share my steps with you. You don't have to put this into words, but you do have to orientate yourself inwardly, because this gives everyone involved stability.

Mum: That sounds right to me! I would like to meet them with this attitude. But what exactly should I do next?

Counsellor: One obvious option would be to make a risk report to the child and adult protection authority (Kesb). As transparency towards the young person is important to you, you could call the responsible Kesb as a first step and ask for advice on how to proceed with a risk report without mentioning specific names. You would then have more insight into what steps need to be taken and what consequences may result. With this knowledge, you could inform your son and his girlfriend. Another option is to involve the school social worker. In this case, the school would probably make a risk report.

Their role could be to strengthen the two.

Counsellor

Mum: I know the school social worker, so it would be more convenient for me to go this way. Is it also possible for my son and his girlfriend to go to the school social worker together? After all, they go to the same school. I've just realised that it would feel good to suggest this to both of them.

Counsellor: That is possible. In this case, your role could be to strengthen them and make it clear to them that it is important and right to discuss this situation with a professional and offer to support them in this step.

Mum: I'll try that and get back to you if I have any further questions. Thank you very much and see you again!

Counsellor: I wish you, your son and his girlfriend all the best!

This protocol is a highly abbreviated recording of a longer counselling session, reduced to the essentials. Our aim is to provide an insight into our work and to give readers food for thought on similar issues.

Yvonne Müller, Co-Head of the Parents' Emergency Call Centre