«We can only control our own behaviour»

The most important facts in brief

• We cannot control others, only ourselves and our actions.
• Distinguish between your needs and the needs of your child.
• Formulate goals that you can achieve yourself.
• Think about what you would like to try instead of the unwanted behaviour, rather than resolving to stop doing something.

Mum: «I don't even know if I'm in the right place. I should actually be happy and content. My husband is a loving and committed father, I have two healthy children, we live in a house with a garden, but I'm so desperate.»

Counsellor: «Parents can call us about exactly the issue they are facing and want to talk about. I hear about your despair. It's good that you're calling. Would you like to tell me how old your children are?»

Mum: «My daughter is four years old and my son will soon be two. When I saw the two of them sleeping so sweetly in their pyjamas in bed earlier, I felt terribly guilty. It's so bad the way I'm behaving. I know my daughter is only four years old, but she's so stubborn, the days with her are just exhausting and I'm really annoyed. It starts in the morning when she gets up, at breakfast, when she gets dressed, when she brushes her teeth - every step has the potential to escalate. She gets frustrated much more quickly than other children. This constant dissatisfaction drives me crazy.»

Counsellor: «What you're saying sounds very stressful. Every day there are countless moments when you need a lot of patience, flexibility and nerves and your plans are thrown out of kilter. I can well understand why you find this challenging and at times overwhelming. I also have the impression that your expectation of yourself to be happy and content is an additional burden. Does your husband know how you feel?»

Mum: «I've never told anyone as clearly as I just did. When I'm alone with the children, I get incredibly angry. I can't tell anyone, neither friends nor family.»

Counsellor: «You have just managed to put this into words very openly and courageously. How does that feel?»

Mum: «Somehow I feel better now. It feels relieving, but now I still don't know what I can do differently. I don't want to do this anymore.»

Counsellor: «I'm imagining a four-year-old, unhappy girl who refuses to get dressed or come to the breakfast table, and I see a mother in front of me who, tired and under time pressure, is trying to get her toddlers, dressed as appropriately as possible for the weather, out of the house at a time determined from outside. How do you imagine this mother would ideally behave?»

Mum: «It's good to hear that. This mum somehow manages to stay calm and composed and get her children out of the house without threatening or shouting.»

Counsellor: «The way you describe it, this mother is managing several things at the same time, namely supporting her children, doing things they don't really want to do and coping with her own stress. At the beginning of our conversation, you said that you realise that your daughter is only four years old. This part of you realises that your daughter is at an age when the desire for autonomy is part of healthy development, that she is flooded with strong feelings and does not yet have strategies to regulate them, and that she needs you to help her learn how to do this. You would like to support her in this. However, this knowledge is not always available to you. Another part of you feels provoked and ignored and anger arises. In these moments of stress, your emotions seem stronger than your knowledge and determine your actions.»

Mum: «Yes, exactly, you could say that.»

Counsellor: "I would like to look at these two parts individually, because this distinction can bring clarity as to who needs what at what moment. In this telephone conversation, we could focus on your daughter and ask how you can give her support and help her to deal with her dissatisfaction and frustration. However, it seems to me that questions along the lines of: What happens to you when the pressure mounts? What effect do your expectations have on yourself? What can help you to feel less at the mercy of others? How does that sound to you and what appeals to you to go into more depth in this telephone conversation?

Mum: «This distinction helps and makes it clearer. Until now, unfortunately, I've mainly known what doesn't help. Yelling and threatening makes everything worse. I would like to start with the question of how I can feel less at the mercy of others. I think that's the worst thing for me.»

When I'm alone with the children, I get incredibly angry. I can't tell anyone about it.

Counsellor: «An exciting topic. Have there ever been stressful moments when you felt less at the mercy of others?»

Mum: «Yes, if I prepare myself inwardly for the fact that it's going to be stressful, I usually manage better. I'm then more in touch with myself and feel like I can make my own decisions and not just react.»

Counsellor: «I think that's an important observation! The feeling of «I have a choice about how I behave» has a major influence on our well-being. By preparing yourself inwardly, you come closer to this. I've noticed something else that I think is important. Instead of focusing primarily on your daughter and expecting her to stop or cooperate, you focus on yourself and how you want to behave in this challenging situation. In doing so, you are aiming for a goal that you can achieve yourself. If we manage to internalise the fact that we cannot control our counterpart, our expectations shift. Ultimately, we can only control ourselves and our actions. Can you think of something you could try instead of shouting at someone?»

Mum: «I could try to imagine something nice at that moment.»

Counsellor: «I like this idea, because inner images can have a powerful effect in moments like these.»

Mum: «A meadow of flowers in the wind comes to mind. I'd like to try it out and discuss how I can support my daughter another time. Can I call you again?»

Consultant: «Absolutely! I look forward to hearing from you again.»