Verbal violence - when words hurt a child's soul

The path to Franz Ziegler leads past the kindergarten and the village school. Children shouting, then silence again. I quickly cross the village road and find myself in front of a snow-white house with cows and sheep grazing behind it. «You've got it nice here!» I say as the door opens. Franz Ziegler smiles: «Isn't it? The sun has been shining in Zäziwil for months.»

Mr Ziegler, a mother, totally stressed out, says in anger to her little daughter: «Sometimes I'd like to sell you!»

I'd say the mother hit her daughter.

Beaten?

Yes, with words. Verbal violence is the most typical form of psychological violence. That's why we also talk about verbal abuse.

How do you generally define psychological or emotional violence against children?

This is a very complex and broad topic. Psychological violence can range from a simple subordinate clause such as «Don't you ever realise that?» to verbal suicide: «I wish you were dead.» The most important characteristic of psychological violence is that parents make their child feel inferior or worthless, whether by threatening, blackmailing, ridiculing, humiliating, isolating, ignoring or constantly blaming.

Not talking to the child is a form of blackmail.

A five-year-old doesn't want to tidy his room, his mum talks to him, nothing happens. At some point, she says nothing at all. Even when the child asks insecurely, «Mum, what's wrong?», she remains stubbornly silent. Can we speak of psychological violence in this case?

In any case. The moment I start to undermine the development of his self-confidence and trust in others, we are talking about psychological violence. To stop talking to the child or to tell them that I only love you when your room is tidy and only then will I socialise with you again is a form of blackmail.

And what if the mother only withdraws so as not to lose her temper in the end?

That is a different situation. There is a difference between a mother taking a timeout of ten minutes and declaring it as such so that she can then talk to her child more calmly again, and her persistently remaining silent and boycotting any attempt by the child to get in touch with her again.

Let's take another example. A 13-year-old repeatedly comes home with poor grades and wants to go horse riding with her friends in the afternoon. «First of all, learn to do your maths properly, you can't be as stupid as you are,» says her father, ruining her leisure plans. What is he doing to his daughter with that sentence?

It exposes them, humiliates them and undermines the development of healthy self-confidence and self-esteem. A major problem with psychological violence is the things a child hears over and over again. A child cannot gain a healthy trust in themselves and others under these circumstances. That is clear. It constantly hears: You are nothing and you will become nothing.

So it depends on the frequency of these statements or actions?

No, the first time is already violence. The same applies to a slap in the face, i.e. physical violence. And if we want to make a fundamental change to the extent of violence against children, we have to accept this fact. It is not the possible consequences that are decisive, but the act itself. The act itself is an expression of violence and is therefore condemnable.

What are the possible consequences of psychological violence?

These can be very diverse and include, for example, the whole spectrum of mental disorders, aggressive or depressive behaviour, drug or alcohol abuse. A child who has been kept down for years cannot develop healthy self-confidence. This in turn leads to relationship problems and social problems.

Or the child's cognitive development is impaired because it does not have a clear head for intellectual performance. It develops massive school problems. And it is clear that if you inflict violence on a child, it learns one thing first and foremost: violence. The child imitates the parents. A learning process is set in motion.

If you inflict violence on a child, it learns one thing first and foremost: violence.

What do these children do with their own children later on?

There are those who consciously or unconsciously look back on their own childhood and pass on what they themselves experienced. And there are others who do the exact opposite out of conviction. They say, I will never bring up my children the way I was brought up myself! There are many variations in between.

Is every child who suffers psychological harm affected to the same extent?

Vulnerability varies greatly from child to child. And so does the quality of resilience, the mental and physical ability to withstand things. There are children who are exposed to the worst psychological terror for ten or twelve years and still develop incredible self-assertion and self-confidence. These are children for whom you can put a boulder in their path and they get round it, others you put a pebble in their path and they stumble over it.

You're talking about extreme cases. Nevertheless, life with children can be very demanding and sometimes push you to your limits. It's incredibly easy to slip out an ill-considered remark in a stressful situation.

Absolutely. Unfortunately, we don't know how often this happens. There are no meaningful surveys or studies. It is very difficult to define where psychological violence begins and where it ends. But one thing is clear: psychological violence is the most common form of violence, as it is implied in physical and sexual violence and can also occur on its own.

You have been working with children and young people for over a quarter of a century. You have certainly come across a number of cases of psychological violence.

Yes, very many and also different ones. But this type of parental behaviour can often be observed in divorce situations, especially in the case of combative divorces. Or in families in which one or both parents are mentally ill. In both situations, the parents are so preoccupied with themselves that they are not open to the concerns and needs of the children.

One thing is clear: psychological violence is the most common form of violence.

They lack sensitivity towards the children or they instrumentalise the children for their own interests. Children are then often forced into an adult role and have to look after one parent - physically and psychologically.

Can you give us an example?

A 12-year-old boy, integrated and active, suddenly withdraws, stays away from his beloved football club training sessions, develops physical symptoms such as inflammation and pain without any medically recognisable causes, and no longer meets up with his friends in his free time. As it turns out, his mother is mentally ill and has tied her son to her. He has to take on the role of carer and nurturer and thus loses the opportunity to still be a child.

Another boy contacts us by email and writes that he can no longer cope at home. His mother shouts at him «all evening» at least once a week, accusing him of being bad and ungrateful. She wakes him up at night and continually violates his privacy.

In which cases must the authorities intervene?

Whenever the child's welfare is at risk and the parents are unable or unwilling to change their behaviour or the dangerous situation.

Do you have a specific example?

I remember a 15-year-old girl who turned to social services herself because she could no longer cope at home. Her mother, who was separated from her father, said things to her like: «If you weren't alive anymore, we wouldn't have a problem.» The teenager was blamed for the breakdown in her parents' relationship.

These can be parents like you and me who reach their limits in stressful situations.

It was obvious that she needed help and support. Someone who could offer the teenager an environment that helped her to process the injuries and build up her self-confidence and self-esteem. Her parents were never able or willing to build a relationship with their child.

What happened to her?

The authorities have decided that the girl should be placed in a supervised residential group. All parties involved have agreed to this.

How do you recognise a case of psychological violence?

Above all, we rely on the statements of parents and children. «My mum says that she would rather I had never been born.» There are parents who say such things in front of witnesses without a second thought. Studies have shown that there is less communication in abusive families and that when there is communication, it is often negative.

More imagination in dealing with children would do many people good.

And in an environment where insults and swear words are standard in communication, insults are also more likely to be uttered outside of one's own four walls.

You were just talking about typical abusive families ...

... Unfortunately, it's not that simple. Families are just as diverse as the forms and manifestations of psychological violence. They can be parents with a poor educational background, mothers or fathers with a mental illness or an addiction problem. But they can also be parents like you and me, who sometimes reach their limits in situations of stress and excessive demands.

A child is not an object, but a subject with rights and a right to integrity.

Who make a statement out of disappointment and then think: «Oh no, you don't really want to say something like that!» Just like it can happen in communication between adults. But then you can't just ignore it because the other person is a child.

Can you take back what you have said, apologise?

Yes, absolutely. «Sorry, I'm sorry. I've just said something totally rash again.» But then leave it at that. These things happen to almost every mum or dad. Nobody is immune to them.

And what can parents do to prevent this from happening in the first place?

If you realise that things are escalating: take a step back, take a timeout, think and see what you can do differently to bring the situation to a good end. There are very few situations in which you have to take immediate action. However, it is not uncommon for parents to insist on their parenting patterns. And these are centuries-old, uncreative patterns.

More imagination in dealing with children would do many families good. In addition, you should always ask yourself: Do I really want to be treated the way I am treating my child? A child is not an object, but a subject with rights and a right to integrity.

Personally, I always find it helpful to say to my partner in extremely stressful situations with the children: «Please do this, I'm about to explode.» He is perhaps more relaxed at that moment and can deal with the conflict situation more calmly. But what do parents do who don't have this option because they are single parents, for example?

An old postulate of mine is neighbourly help. Why do we close ourselves off to the outside world when it comes to parenting issues? Why do we find it so difficult to talk about parenting problems? It is so important that a mother can ring her neighbour's doorbell and ask if she can take the children off her hands for an hour.

Parents should make use of the formal network, consisting of advice centres, courses and so on, as well as the informal network: their own parents, siblings, friends, neighbours. But first you have to raise awareness that accepting help is not a sign of weakness, but of strength.

To come back to the beginning of our conversation: The girl who was to be sold is now an adult. She remembers the scene well, but she doesn't doubt for a second that her mother loved her then and still loves her today.

Yes, that's the good news. Just because you hurt your child psychologically doesn't necessarily lead to problems and disorders. If they feel that, okay, now my mum has lost her temper, but basically they know that she loves me more than anything, then they can develop a basic trust that enables them to cope well with such things. However, if scenes like this happen again and again, at some point this will no longer be possible.