The power of acceptance

A special needs teacher who works with a young person as a learning coach tells me: «I just can't get any further. No matter how much we practise, he can't remember the word pictures!» Time is running out: he will finish his apprenticeship in five months - after that he will hardly have the opportunity to work on his disastrous spelling. She hopes that I'll pull some idea out of my hat so that this boy and spelling can make friends after all.

When we accept reality as it is and stop fighting it, the way is often cleared for a solution on a different level.

«Suppose you assume that you can't change his spelling anyway - what would you work on then?» This question puzzles her for a moment. She had already thought about it - but that would be like giving up on him, giving up. But as soon as she says the sentence, she realises that it's not true - and is bursting with new ideas.

She would use the coaching to show him how he can deal with the weakness: for example, composing emails using voice input or using the AI correctly in everyday life. And they would have time to discuss his strengths and wishes for the future.

Acceptance releases energy

Every now and then, something in the lives of our children and young people does not correspond to our expectations. Perhaps they are too sensitive, quiet, wild, defiant, dreamy, shy, loud or unfocussed. Or we think they are not interested enough in sport, school or other children. As parents, we worry, see problems coming for the child and take action.

Sometimes something good comes out of it. Sometimes, however, the fronts only harden. The parents fight more and more, the child puts up a fight, feels misunderstood or not understood at all. And sometimes this constant battle takes more energy over time than the actual problem.

It's amazing how quickly feelings like envy disappear when we give them a little space.

In these situations, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a different perspective: What if it is not the situation itself that is the problem - but our resistance to what is? If we accept reality as it is and stop fighting it, the way is often cleared for a solution on a different, sometimes deeper level.

Try it out. Think about something that keeps bothering you as a mum or dad and ask yourself: «What would I do if I knew that my child would never change in this respect? What would he or she need from me to get through life well?»

Acceptance reconciles us with ourselves and the world

I recently saw a programme about inclusion. A teenager with Down's syndrome was learning with other children in the class and was asked by the reporter whether it didn't bother her that the others were ahead of her in the subject. She looked confidently into the camera and said that of course she knew that the others were much faster, but that she belonged and was allowed to learn at her own pace.

People who have a high level of self-esteem often do not derive this from the fact that they have many strengths and hardly any weaknesses or see themselves as something special. Rather, they have reconciled themselves with themselves and can accept themselves as they are.

Only as long as we believe we have to keep up with others in all areas or conform to certain standards do comparisons generate envy and stress. However, this reconciliation is only possible if we allow and accept unpleasant feelings.

Try it out: How do you feel when you simply admit to yourself that something is not quite the way you want it to be and that you have the right to be a little sad, envious or angry about it? You could say to yourself: «Yes, family XY has a nicer house, can afford a more expensive holiday, they simply have more money than we do.» Now resist the urge to counter with a «But we ...» and fight your feelings. Instead, allow them for a moment: «Yes, that makes me quite envious sometimes.»

It's amazing how quickly feelings disappear when we give them a little space. Acceptance in this form means facing yourself, your feelings and your weaknesses with honesty. It is a form of honesty that allows us to be true to ourselves, to affirm even difficult things and to come to terms with reality.

We can also meet worries with acceptance

Being a parent almost inevitably means worrying: Is my child developing «correctly»? Am I missing something important? Will it cope later? These worries show how much we love our child. We can deal with them in much the same way as described in the previous section.

When you realise that you are overwhelmed by anger, stress or worries: Pause for a moment. Don't act, instead say: «Okay, you're worried right now and feel under a lot of pressure.»

Acceptance means pausing. Take a close look and first find the thread that can be loosened.

Don't try to push the feeling away, but stay with it for a moment. Realise what you are worried about. For example: «If he doesn't finally learn to make a little more effort, I think his professional life will be bleak » or «If she keeps this cheeky behaviour, she'll always be a pain in the arse later on».

If you like, you can now pay attention to your body for a moment. How does this worry feel? Is it a feeling of tightness? Pressure on your chest? Tension in your shoulders or a knot in your stomach? It's not about relaxing immediately. Just try to be curious about what happens when you focus your attention on it for a moment and consciously notice your sensations.

Tips for head types

If you are more of a head person: Now take a step back from yourself and your worries. Look at them like a person of science: «Is that really the case? Do young people who do little for school automatically become adults who don't get anywhere at work?» or «Is it really so wrong to be cheeky as a girl, or was I simply discouraged from doing so by my parents because it didn't fit in with their image?».

And how do you want to deal with this worry? React from the gut and get angry? Listen to your child more and get to know their point of view? Develop more confidence that your child will go their own way? Ask yourself what is good about this characteristic and how you can accompany your child so that it comes to fruition?

Some problems in our children's lives are like a tangled ball of wool. They cannot be untangled by frantic pulling and tugging. The more we tug, the tighter the knots become.
Acceptance means pausing. Take a close look. Perhaps leave a few knots as they are - and first find the thread that can be untangled.