The art of saying no without hurting or offending

Saying no is like setting limits - there are no limits that are right or appropriate per se. It is not possible to draw up a list of the conditions and ages under which a no would automatically be justified. Two things can be said with certainty:

• The first response that a newborn child needs to hear, see and feel is a huge yes that comes from the bottom of their heart. A «Yes, you are welcome». A «Yes, I will be there for you». During the first year of a child's life, parents must give them a constant yes. A yes to hunger, thirst and the need for contact. A yes to colic, middle ear infections and sleeping difficulties. A «Yes, we open our hearts to you and offer you a safe place in them for all time».
• When the child is around eighteen months old, it's time to say no sometimes. Not only in the interests of the child's well-being and development, but also in terms of the quality of our relationship and our own needs.

Children are born with great wisdom, but without experience. Children are born as competent, fully-fledged human beings, but they initially lack two important skills: they are not able to take care of themselves in a comprehensive sense before we have done so for ten to twelve years. And they are unable to take responsibility for the necessary quality of their relationship with adults. They can signal when something is wrong with this relationship, but they cannot change the relationship.

Satisfy basic needs

The fact that they cannot take care of themselves is shown by the fact that they do not recognise the difference between their current wishes and their actual needs. The most important task of parents is to ensure that their children's basic needs for food, warmth, security and social contact are met. The second most important task is to teach children the difference between momentary desires and basic needs. Not by giving them long-winded lectures about it, but by enabling their children to have certain experiences.

The most important of these experiences is that the world doesn't end if you don't always get what you want straight away. Many such experiences form an important life lesson that is part of what is also known as social competence and is the opposite of self-centredness.

The right time to say no is when we have to say yes to ourselves.

Parents in our rich part of the world are faced with the challenge of having to rely on their own feelings, attitudes and values to justify a «no». Earlier generations could limit themselves to referring to a universal code of what «one» did or did not do or what was more or less «proper». But even back then, parents repeated their «no» ten to twenty times before exclaiming in an angry voice: «I said no and that's that!»

A no is valuable feedback for the child

The same applies to our children as to other people: the right time to say no is when we have to say yes to ourselves. When we have to maintain our own boundaries and values and it is not possible to say yes wholeheartedly. Such a no has the extraordinary quality of having «warmth» - instead of a rejection, it is a personal response that says: This is who I am. In long-term relationships with children, partners, friends and relatives, such feedback is invaluable. The others know who they are dealing with and we also get to know ourselves better and better.

Some mums and dads have developed the unfortunate habit of saying yes even when they actually mean no - to avoid conflict or to compensate for their guilty conscience about not spending enough time and energy on their children. They either say yes straight away or they teach their children that they only have to be persistent enough for their parents to change their minds.

Will my child reject me if I say no?

This habit is easy to explain but difficult to excuse, as it harms the personal and social development of children. It also comes at the expense of the parents' personal integrity and self-esteem and contributes to establishing a culture in the family in which people lie to or manipulate each other for the sake of peace and quiet.

This is particularly dangerous for the children, as they need a minimum of contact with their parents, but instead only get what they feel like doing. If the parents base their partnership on the same principles, it will not last long. Some will now be wondering about the conflicts that result from parents saying no repeatedly. Won't our children become sad and possibly reject us?

A constant parental yes for the wrong reasons hinders healthy development

The answer to the first question is that conflict is an integral part of every equal relationship and harms neither children nor parents. The answer to the second question is that parenting is not about being popular at all times. Parenting is not about how children judge their parents in different situations, but about the long-term relationship they build with themselves and others. And believe me: children who are always told yes for the wrong reasons end up hating themselves and are unable to build constructive relationships with other people.

Conflicts are part of every equal relationship and do not harm children or parents.

It is a healthy and natural reaction for children to feel frustrated and sad when they don't get what they want. Parents should allow them this reaction instead of trying to play it down or compensate for it. Children who are deprived of the opportunity to be frustrated or sad find it difficult to develop their innate capacity for empathy and social skills. We cannot «spoil» our children by giving them too much of what they need. So-called spoilt children are children who get too little of what they need but lots of what they want, which all too often buys their parents peace of mind.

So it's about saying no in order to be able to say yes to yourself - to your own feelings, boundaries and values, to your own physical and financial possibilities. And it's about saying no with a clear conscience. We also have to learn to do the same in relation to other people with whom we have important relationships. For many of us, this is a long mutual learning process. It encourages our partners to be true to themselves, and it teaches our children to take personal responsibility with a clear conscience when they go out into the big wide world.