The aggressive child

It happens again and again with Phillippe, 16. Often all it takes is a remark, a look. «Then I can feel the heat rising inside me,» says the tenth-grader. «It simmers until it explodes.» Then Phillippe strikes. Usually against a door or a wall. Sometimes he also hits other teenagers. Phillippe is not an isolated case. In 2014, around 16 per cent of participants in a study on violence conducted by the University of Zurich and ETH Zurich stated that they had been victims of violence.

Aggression is a reaction to the fact that a boundary has been crossed.

The Federal Council report «Youth and Violence» from 2015 concludes that almost one in three people in the canton of Zurich has been a victim of violence in a period of one and a half years - and one in five has used violence during this period. Why is that? How much aggression is normal? What should parents put up with and when should they intervene? And how?

Why do children become aggressive?

If you start looking for the causes of what makes children like Phillippe aggressive, it quickly becomes clear: it's not genes or upbringing or the media - it's a combination of everything. «Genes per se cannot predetermine behaviour,» writes German brain researcher Gerhard Roth in one of his works. The decisive factor is the interplay with life circumstances.

It is striking that many children who are quick to react aggressively are also very sensitive. «I'm different to others,» says Phillippe about himself. «I can get really excited about things that my colleagues just shrug their shoulders at.»

The most obvious trigger for aggression is physical pain: if you are hit, you hit back. However, according to neuroscientist Joachim Bauer, «if the aggression caused by the pain cannot be directed against the cause of the pain itself, it is often directed against any random conspecifics who happen to be present». If a child is attacked by an older child against whom it cannot defend itself, its aggression is not directed against the aggressor, but possibly against a smaller child - this can happen in a different place and at a different time. This quickly creates the impression that the child hitting is aggressive «out of the blue».

However, the brain's pain centres react not only to physical pain, but also to psychological pain. The American brain researcher Naomi Eisenberger found that social rejection, exclusion, contempt or injustice are perceived in the same way as physical pain. The contemptuous look that Phillippe receives or the unfair remark triggers the same reaction in him as a blow to the body.

Is aggression a cry for help?

Psychological boundary violations are everywhere: at school, in leisure time, in the playground. And in the family. It has particularly devastating consequences there. «Children who don't have a reliable bond with their caregivers and for whom no one ever has time, live in a state of marginalisation,» says Joachim Bauer. Aggressive behaviour in children is always an appeal - in the case of a chronically aggressive child, the message to turn to him, to spend time with him. His father, says Phillippe, would rather spend his time playing games on the computer than with him.

What role does violence play in the media?

Our brain not only reacts to our own experience of physical and emotional pain, it also reacts when we observe it being inflicted on others. This applies not only to real life, but also to virtual life. «Parents often have no idea what their children are up to online,» says Monika C., a teacher for 15 years, «what videos they watch, what games they play.»

However, Bern-based psychologist and family therapist Christine Harzheim points out: «At the same time, children hardly have any freedom anymore. They are under the constant supervision of parents, teachers, educators and club coaches.» This means that adolescents can rarely express feelings such as anger, frustration or sadness unobserved, and aggression builds up. And young people in particular seek their freedom elsewhere, for example in the virtual world - where they then let out all their pent-up feelings unfiltered.

Parental insecurity can be a cause of aggression

«Parents today are also extremely insecure,» says Christine Harzheim. «Even the attacks of a defiant 3-year-old are experienced as personal attacks.» And some parents already have the feeling that holding a child who is lashing out is violence, says Britta Went from Elternnotruf. Israeli psychology professor and author Haim Omer also sees parental insecurity as a possible reason for children's aggression. «There are hardly any universal rules in parenting anymore. Traditional authority, which is based on distance and obedience, is no longer acceptable today.»

Omer counters this with the so-called «new authority», which emphasises closeness and parental presence. Strong, consistent but loving parents ensure that children feel safe at home. Children's aggression in particular is very often linked to insecurity. «In addition to a lot of parental closeness and affection, a clear attitude and boundaries are essential to give the child security,» says Haim Omer. «A lack of personal boundaries with adults is very unsettling for a child,» confirms family therapist Harzheim. «If they feel stronger than their parents, who is supposed to protect them?»

Once, Phillippe says, he beat up his whole room. His dad? «He was screaming.» His mum? «Cried.» Phillippe would never touch his parents, not even verbally: «The family is sacrosanct.»

When children threaten and attack their parents - Parent Battering

This is not the case for all families. Around 20 per cent of calls received by the Parent Helpline come from parents who feel threatened by their own children. This phenomenon is known as «parent battering».
«We estimate that one parent in every ten families in this country has been attacked by a child at least once,» says Britta Went from the Parent Helpline. This ranges from the 14-year-old who regularly calls his mother a «bitch» to the 16-year-old who pushes his mum around to the 17-year-old who attacks his father with his fists during an argument. However, these figures are not reliable. «The number of unreported cases is high, as most parents feel very ashamed in such situations,» says Britta Went.

According to the 2015 Federal Council report «Youth and Violence», the number of violent young people is generally on the decline. Criminologist Manuel Eisner from the University of Zurich and sociologist Denis Ribaud from ETH Zurich surveyed young people in the canton of Zurich between 1999 and 2014 about their experiences as victims and perpetrators. One of their conclusions: fewer young people are victims of violence, but the victims suffer more violent offences on average.

Expressed in figures: if someone was bullied once a year a few years ago, they may experience it two or three times today. In 2007, 27.6 per cent of 12 to 19-year-olds stated that they had been the victim of violence, compared to 16.3 per cent in 2014. Despite the decline, the figures are relatively high, for example in the case of bullying. In the most recent survey, a good 40 per cent stated that they had been laughed at or insulted at least once.

Cyberbullying only appeared in the survey in 2014. 32.9 per cent have already received threatening messages, 29.3 per cent have been victims of threatening messages sent to third parties. What is particularly striking is that the types of perpetrator and victim in cyberbullying are the same as in «normal» bullying.

Are boys more aggressive than girls?

The number of children and young people committing offences is also falling. According to the juvenile conviction statistics (JUSUS), there were 250 convictions per 100,000 minors in 2009, compared to just 150 in 2013. One reason for this could be that the preventative measures taken by schools, police and authorities are taking effect. On the other hand, it could be because young people now know that they will be brought before the juvenile prosecutor's office relatively quickly and what sanctions they face, as the Zurich chief juvenile prosecutor's office surmised in an SRF report.

Christine Harzheim deals with young offenders between the ages of 12 and 17 in her role as a specialised judge at the juvenile court in Bern. «Every offence has a logic, a biographical history and doesn't happen because of a weak character,» she says. «For example, low self-esteem or loneliness and even isolation often play a role.» The majority of offenders are boys. According to Joachim Bauer, the male sex hormone testosterone (which is also found in smaller quantities in women) influences the neurobiological aggression apparatus: men with high testosterone levels show aggression more frequently.

Boys tend to direct their aggression outwards, girls very often against themselves.

School social worker Christian Zbinden

However, the differences are not only biological, but also socially determined. «Boys also have a lot of superheroes in the media who fight as role models, while female heroines are rarely aggressive,» says school social worker Christian Zbinden. Yet girls are no more peaceful than boys, says Christine Harzheim. «They are just as verbally brutal.» Social worker Zbinden counsels roughly the same number of boys as girls. «Boys tend to direct their aggression outwards, girls very often against themselves. So of the young people who tell me about self-harm and suicidal thoughts, the vast majority are girls.»

Is aggression a question of culture?

The cultural background hardly seems to play a role in aggressive children. There are significantly more cases with a migration background than others, neither at the parents' helpline nor at the juvenile court. Primary school teacher Monika C. has had different experiences in her work: «Many of the «problem children» have a migration background, there's no denying that,» she says, but also relativises: «The problem is not the children themselves, but that we teachers often don't have the resources and training to deal with them.» It is understandable that children from war zones in particular show aggression. Britta Went from Elternnotruf agrees: «It's a question of biography, not culture.»

How much aggression is too much?

However, expressing aggression is not bad per se. «Anyone who cannot react to physical or emotional pain with a communicatively appropriate form of aggression will become ill,» says neurobiologist Bauer. It's okay to shout or hit a punching bag. The limits are where you hurt yourself or others physically or emotionally. However, if you always «eat everything up», the components of the aggression apparatus remain neurobiologically «loaded», which can lead to anxiety disorders or depressive illnesses, for example.
The question that every mum and dad asks themselves is: What is normal? How much child aggression should we allow? Social worker Christian Zbinden believes that interventions are often made too early, especially with younger children: «The child learns that violence gets them attention and uses it again and again. They should experience violence as a failure.» A small scuffle can simply be consciously observed and allowed to run its course as long as it is still fair. Zbinden: «And if you intervene, you shouldn't just tell the children to stop, but explain to them what exactly was not okay. For example, if someone has really hit them or you realise that someone is totally inferior.»

It is important that parents or school provide a framework within which the child can move, says Christine Harzheim. «Not every cheeky word has to have consequences, but anyone who breaks the mould has to expect them.» It is then important to criticise the behaviour, not the child itself.
It's not always easy to separate the person and their feelings from their actions. Christine Harzheim knows this from her work at the juvenile court. Especially when it comes to serious offences such as murder or sexual assault. Incidentally, the latter are the only offences committed by young people that have doubled in the last 20 years.

Sexual assaults by other young people

According to a 2009 UBS-Optimus survey of ninth-graders, almost one in three has experienced sexual assault in one form or another, most of them by other young people. «When it comes to serious assaults, something has almost always gone seriously wrong in the perpetrator's biography and he or she has experienced violence or neglect themselves,» says Christine Harzheim. «That's no excuse and the offence must be punished. But the perpetrator is not simply evil. And the history and environment should also play a role in the judgement.
also play a role in the judgement.»
Britta Went advises all those affected to ask for help sooner rather than later so that it doesn't come to that. «There are signs that it will escalate at some point very early on,» says psychologist Haim Omer. «Anyone who is unable to defuse the situation should definitely confide in someone.»
Phillippe says that he was already shouting and hitting as a toddler. It is difficult to get rid of this old pattern. «I've just always done it that way.» He has been seeing school social worker Christian Zbinden regularly for two years. «He listens to me without judging me. That's good.» Phillippe knows that he can't get through life forever. He still finds it difficult to think of alternatives. But at some point, he knows he has to be ready. Maybe then his big dream of becoming a martial arts trainer will come true. «For that,» says Phillippe, «I still have a lot to learn.» With this realisation, the 16-year-old has already taken an important step.

The principle of non-violent resistance

The idea of non-violent resistance (GLW) comes from peace policy: groups that were defeated or critical of violence developed non-violent methods to counter aggression. Psychologists such as Haim Omer adapted the principle to the family.

The concept is based on the renunciation of all verbal or physical violence and all actions that insult or humiliate the aggressive child. The child should experience the parents as determined and present again.

The most important steps:

Create awareness

The programme first helps parents to become aware that they are in a violent situation and that they can confront it without violence. «Just like violent parents, parents affected by violence also see themselves in a weaker position than the child,» says Haim Omer. «Just knowing that you can defend yourself can make a big difference.»

Preventing escalation

Parents who repeatedly allow themselves to be drawn into arguments with their children tend to argue, preach, threaten, apologise and justify - and allow themselves to be drawn into something until the situation escalates. Three things can help to prevent this:

1. Warten, bis sich die Wogen geglättet haben: Auf Provokationen nicht sofort reagieren, sondern später das Gespräch suchen. 
2. Das Kind kann ich nicht kontrollieren – aber mich selbst. Wenn jeder versucht, den anderen zu dominieren, führt das zu einer Gewaltspirale. Wem es gelingt, sich selbst zu kontrollieren, verhindert eine Eskalation. 
3. Es geht um Widerstand, nicht um Sieg. Man muss das aggressive Kind nicht besiegen, aber ihm klarmachen, dass man sich nicht alles gefallen lässt. Das geht auch durch Schweigen. 

Tell the child what you are planning to do

If the parents are aware of the situation and at least occasionally manage to prevent escalation, the next step follows: they announce to the child - verbally or in writing - that they are no longer prepared to put up with the situation. Because they are also not prepared to lose the child.

Look for supporters

«If you keep aggression a secret, you become an accomplice to it,» says Haim Omer. Confiding in someone is therefore essential. Supporters can be family members or friends, for example, but always someone the child respects.

Sit-in: Sitting and waiting as a sign of resistance

If a violent situation has occurred, the parents turn to the supporting persons, who in turn tell the child that they have heard about it and do not approve of their behaviour. The so-called «sit-in» has also proven to be effective: You sit in the child's room - possibly with (telephone) support - and silently await a suggestion as to how they would like to resolve the situation. This is particularly important for parents, who see themselves as strong, unyielding but non-violent.

Show reconciliation

This is not about apologising for actions or behaviour, but about showing unconditional affection and accepting responsibility. Small steps such as sincere praise or a joint activity improve the mood. It is almost impossible to prevent scars from remaining.